Confronting My Rapist

It takes a strong person to confront their rapist. Sometimes it is unavoidable. In cases of rape between family members or close family friends, you will undoubtedly see this person again. Other times people are forced to confront their rapists in the court of law in order to get the justice they seek. The majority of rapes go unreported ( 95% of sexual assault victims do not report the crime to the proper authorities).

I was so young when I was raped I thought I would be the one who got in trouble if I reported it. So I didn’t get the courage to speak up for a decade. By that time, any physical evidence that was left had faded. I spoke to police and counselors about reporting it but they told me it wouldn’t be an easy case to prove with only circumstantial evidence. Since there were two rapists involved, I thought maybe it was possible that one would rat the other out to save their own butts. It was a possibility, but nothing was for certain.

My family encouraged me not to report it because of the fragile state I was in. They were afraid I couldn’t handle the long drawn out court procedures. I was struggling with my day to day life as it was.

It happened over a decade ago, I was watching a game with two of my guy friends. I didn’t like sports, I was there for the beer. The last thing I remember before passing out was the pattern of the ceiling tiles. They ceiling was white. The grooves in each tile looked like a paper asian fan. It was odd that I blacked out like this, only having two drinks.

I hear when they were done with me they left me on my front lawn, like garbage. The next morning I was beyond hung over. I still felt drunk. My pants were on backwards and I was sore and sticky as if I’d had sex. Had I had sex? I was too young to be familiar enough with that feeling. Slowly I began to put things together. The next time I saw one of the guys he asked me if I remembered anything from that night, “You were so drunk!” he laughed, “Do you even remember anything?”

“No,” I replied.

“Nothing at all?”

“No.”

“Wow, you were wasted.”

In retrospect it is clear that he was checking my memory in order to get a peace of mind to cover his own ass. I still began to piece things together and remember other parts of the night. He and the other guy stopped hanging out with me shortly after. I felt pretty bad and confused as to why they had dropped off the planet, but now I know why. I didn’t see them again for years. A boyfriend I had heard them bragging about having sex with me at a party. My boyfriend at the time even heard them bragging that they had sex with me at a party and saying how big of a slut I was.

I ran into one of them at a house party, he shied away from me and avoided me. The other came into a bar, not knowing I worked there, and did the same. It was no secret what happened that night. I was really angry and felt completely violated.

I didn’t hear from them again until one day I got a Facebook request. It was from the more conniving of the two, the one who’d asked me all those questions. Quickly I hit the “deny” button. Not a day later he resent the request, as if I had made some mistake by discounting it the first time. Again I hit the “deny” button.

I didin’t hear from him again.

At the same time my Healing After Sexual Assault series went into publication, he showed up in my life again. He again tried to add me on Facebook. This time I stared at the request, should I say something? Should I message him, “I know what you and (other person) did!” ? I stared at the screen. Was he trying to get some sort of validation from me, that in his mind if I accepted his friend request it proved to him that he wasn’t a bad guy or a rapist? I hit the “deny” button.

Over a year passed, and then a few days ago, he had the nerve to send me a request again. This time I was beyond pissed. Quickly I took my keyboard and wrote back to him,

“Are you joking? I know what you and (other person) did to me! Get lost!” There were a few expletives in there that I didn’t add, but you get the gist.

Confronting him doesn’t change my life.  Because of what he did and the pain he caused, I need to come with a disclaimer. I still have to explain my  life story to everybody I meet if they have intentions of checking out my writing. If I don’t forewarn them, they will almost always ask me about it later, citing they had no idea. It still bothers me. It’s never an easy thing to talk about.

If anything, I scared him. I hope I did. Maybe now he knows he didn’t get away with it completely. Though it is unlikely that he and his friend will ever go to jail for raping me. Like other rapists who think they got away with something because they never served time or appeared in court, I know that in the end, there is one judge that he will not be able to charm or lie his way past.

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8 Responses to Confronting My Rapist

  1. i am sorry for the trials you have had to go through because of the incident. i just despise the perps who commit this crime. i will say it never ceases to amaze me how carless girls/women can be at times. there is no way a crime against a person can be justified but ya have to have the sense God gave geese. i was involved in putting on concerts years back and several times would find girls passed out at the end of the night. a guy would have to have some serious proof that it was his girlfriend, cousin, whatever or i wasn’t letting him drive off with a passed out girl. if i had to drop her at the police station that’s what i would have done but someone else might have not been as strict. my point is the girl deserves nothing more than a hang over but she was putting herself at risk for much worse getting that wasted. obviously you didn’t really know the guys you were hanging with or you would not have put yourself in that position. hopefully karma will come back to bite them in the ass but that’s still cold comfort. remember Living Well is the Best Revenge.

    • michelle

      Rapists are monsters and will stop at nothing. It is never a woman’s fault for “putting herself in that position” or “being careless”, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Also, by the sound of the above story, the two guys probably put drugs in her drink. And guess what… it is not even .00000001% her fault for hanging out with them & not knowing they were psycho rapists. Congratulations for trying to help some women at your concerts but you really need to work on your perspective on the whole situation.

    • Ed

      Paul, you are obviously a decent human being, good on you for making sure those girls were ok. The problem I have is with your comment, “my point is the girl deserves nothing more than a hang over but she was putting herself at risk for much worse getting that wasted”. No one gets that wasted on two beers, it is obvious Hayley was drugged, and that could just as easily been done to a person drinking cola.

  2. SassyDandelion

    I was raped on November 7, 2010; I was also drugged and don’t remember much of what happened. I just told my husband on Monday. We’ve just contacted the police; I give my statement and file the report tomorrow. My best friend, who was with me that night, is still friends with at least two of the men who did this to me. I hate her now. I found your story when I needed to read it the most. Thank you for speaking out. You give strength to those of us who are still struggling to be heard.

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