Why Do Smart Women Date Abusive Men? Now on HuffPost

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Why do smart women date abusive men? I was asked this question countless times as I found myself stuck in an abusive relationship that began to spiral even more out of control. He didn’t seem abusive in the beginning, but the longer we were together, the more his abusive behavior began to seep out. It started off with frigidity and verbal abuse but it soon became evident that the man I was dating was very spiteful and would go for the jugular in the most minor of disagreements. Even after all these warning signs, I still didn’t believe anyone when they told me that one day it would escalate to physical violence. I will never forget that day, the day I almost became a statistic — another homicide victim resulting from domestic abuse.

Certain family members continuously asked me why someone like myself, a person with a seemingly high IQ, would allow themselves to be treated this way? How could a smart person end up in this situation? Every time I was asked this question, I cringed. The inference that I was stupid or ignorant because of my poor relationship choices did not help make my already out-of-control situation any better.

Anyone who is familiar with the dynamics of an abusive relationship knows that falling prey to one has nothing to do with a person’s intelligence or even their socio-economic status; rather their vulnerability.

Vulnerability leaves a person wide open to falling prey to an abuser. When I fell prey to my abuser, I was at a very mentally and emotionally weakened state because of all things I’d been through. In addition, I had just been dumped by a guy after confiding in him that I’d been raped. I had never felt lower. This vulnerability allowed for easy manipulation and I was inevitably sucked into a relationship by a man who made himself out to be my Knight in Shining Armor. In retrospect, there were many things I could’ve done differently to prevent this situation.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Read the rest of this article at The Huffington Post

6 Comments

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6 Responses to Why Do Smart Women Date Abusive Men? Now on HuffPost

  1. On the television once:
    It was said that women see aggression from a man as a form of strength, which means he is capable of protecting them. Thus, even if he is abusive, they still see that as strength, and they value that.

    Do I agree with that statement? NO!
    But I have no idea how or why anyone would stay with someone who abuses them? To rephrase, I have no idea why anyone could ever LOVE someone that abuses them. If anyone ever abused me even one time, I would be GONE in a nanosecond.

  2. t

    I asked the question to myself everyday while I was in my abusive relationship “why am I staying??”. Prior to the relationship I was strong and independent after moving in with him I felt like he had put a ball and chain around my neck. It took years to leave for good….during marriage counseling I said all the key words that I was in a abusive relationship without even knowing it….the counselor never asked deep questions…how could she not know I was an a abusive relationship he met all the sociopathic traits, of course I had no idea that 1 out of 25 people met this discription. Finally when I left I went to another counselor who within 30 mins of hearing my story about my relationship she said I was with a sociopath and gave me the book “women who love sociopath” by sandra brown, reading the book was my defining moment…I was done with the relationship I had my answer I would never go back.

    All the detailed answers as to why abusive women do not leave their abusive men are in the book….they are gaslighting us, brainwashing (literally) us, the abuser create chaos so we do not focus on the crazy relationship but rather the task they have created, trance us, hypnosis us,and suggestability, aggressive bonding in return we end up with anxiety caused by cognitive dissonance change from all his abuse, manipulate, project their self on to us etc.

    For me I found that part of my recovery was to take a hormone salva test (my doctor used zrt.com labs) it tested my cortosil levels which were through the roof. I was given dr wilson’s adrenal vitamins which lead me to read his book “adrenal fatigue the 21st century stress syndrome”. I also take melatonin a natural supplement to sleep (our body produces this hormone naturally) vs sleeping pills.

    Its a slow recovery….I am re-programing my brain back to who I was before meeting him.

    I also know now that every abused women is targeted by the abuser for me it is sad that we are are not give the correct terms like sociopath and narrassist and a list of their traits but rather the term “abusive men” is used.

    • Hayley Rose

      So glad you escaped before it was too late. It might take a while to regain your confidence but even the long process it may be is better than being with someone like that.

  3. reena

    I am in love with a guy whom i met on net…?
    Dear ,i am under so much of depression .plz dear help me… i really want to get out of this stuff now.I knew a guy whom i met in yahoo chat to talk to each other but as friends only…then after few months he told me he wants to see me on cam..and i agreed ,after seeing me on cam,,,he started looking at me like i was an alien or a beast…he then started ignoring me,,started shouting at me ,,,and stopped replying to my messages..Wenever after dat he saw me online he usually signs out.then he stopped chatting with me for 7 months.After 7 months ,one day he saw me online and messaged me so i replied to him after 3 days…Then we started to chat again.But this time i saw a new person in him who didn’t care, having no feelings ever for me…then after his come back we shared our phone number..BUT,he didn’t called me.I called him…so after his comeback ,in two months he proposed me ,and i said yes to him.When i was so ill during those days when he proposed me he never cares by asking ‘how i am”?.I called him again by asking ,how he is and he hardly responds to my phone call.I loved him so much ,may be much more than my life.Then on one day while chatting i saw his msgs n webcam chat with other girl when he had started ignoring me.After seeing those msgs i asked for break up, but he cried like a kid on phnoe and said to me, dont leave me…Then i was willing to stay in thy realtionship again with him..With time he never cares , he was so busy with other girls on webcam n while asking abut this ,he said they r just frndz..As time goes on i caught him so many times with different girls..Then after 3 m,onths of relationship on phn n on net ,we both finally broke. but we r frnds again n wenever he saw me online he opens his cam n msgs me ..im busy with other girls baby.And wen we broke up ,he told me we both belongs to different relgions,,our marriage is not possible ,wen i said same thing to him, he dat time said , thr iz no religion other than humanity.During broke up he said ,i dont have a girlfriend and i am not dat kinda guy who cries for a girl and wat wud u think ,those girls i used to chat on cam or on phn i never used to met them in real..so is u.He is enjoying his new real date with his facebook frnd who belongs to thy same relgion n locality.He never said to me dat i am his girlfrnd ,never ever.Then wat i,a piece of ****. i blew many proposals forb him ,waited wen he left ,and he did thid thing to me.I had tole him once ,i he ever wants to break up n finds other girl,,tell me directly,,and he said no way.and now we NOT gud frnds ,he used to put his id on invisible mode and i used to put my id on buzy mode.I loved him ,datz y ppl get cheated.he has my pics in his cell n he has not deleted them yet.wat was dat,wat kinda love is this…FOR me it was a nightmare and for him i was a headache who used to call her 3 times and sometimes even 22 times a day ,and he hardly calls back.Hardly picks up my pphn ,hardly replied to my sms BUT I LOVED HIM ,may b love him still. Wenever he cheated me ,n then wenever I called him ,I used to cry a lot over phone ,he used to said comeon lets talk then u might start crying??? I love d him n gave me this inreturn?? Is thr any way to have him back in my life …i love him so much ..n knows dat too dat i can’t live without him dat becoz of mt possesiveness towars him….plz tell me what to do???i beg u dear plz help me……

    • Hayley Rose

      This is something a lot of us have gone through. You are not unique in the pain that you are feeling. Nothing is wrong with you. He is “crazy-making” in which he does things to incite your erratic behavior (such as calling 22 times in one day). You wouldn’t have done that if he’d just picked up the phone or acknowledged that he was busy with a short text.Come on. A text takes 2 seconds. So there is no reason he couldn’t have responded and there is no doubt in my mind that he was looking right at the phone while you were calling and he was smiling and laughing to himself because he enjoyed making you “jump.” You didn’t blow it- you didn’t blow anything. I really doubt being ignored and made to feel fat and ugly and cheated on is the idea of your perfect relationship. I could be wrong…but I’m usually pretty accurate. No one says to themselves, one day I dream of having a husband that will abuse me by calling me fat and ignoring me to talk to strange women on his web cam when all I do is serve and take care of him. No one sets out to find that.

      You just need to take a step back from the situation and look at it from a different perspective. There are literally BILLIONS of other men in the world. That alone should give you peace of mind. In no way is he the only one. I hope you will continue reading and visiting my blog. Write me anytime. And here is the phone number to the domestic violence hotline. They can help break it down for you (what you are actually experiencing/ the cycle of abuse etc). It is a free hotline and it is open 24/ 7

      The number to the hotline: 1-800-799-7233

      Take care of YOU first

      Hayley

  4. reena

    As I have told u my part of thy story which is written above ,now want to tell u more. Few days before I called him becoz I want to get out of this stuff now. So ,this time he picked up my phone n I told him why he has put me in permanently offline mode n he said no .,but he had done dat .after few minutes of talk he discoonected thy phone and put his phone off. I called him again on the next day becoz I really want to clear things now and now this time he said each n every thing to me so clearly.he said to me dat he never loved me ,he said dat he is a guy he can flirt with any girl ,can b with on webcam with any girl,can say I love u to any girl and I hav to right to tell him wat to do n wat not and he said me he doesn’t care whether I wud b with guys on webcam or do anything with any guy ,he doesn’t care at all. I told him then dat he shud clear me these things from the beginning ,he said dat its all my fault I I think it is a love …I’m a fool ,he said.i told him dat ok ..im happy to know dat u r kinda sex worker which he felt bad n said very bad to me also and said I have done wrong dat I kissed him on phn lolzzits all my fault and said he can do anything with any girl..lolzz..and be happy and gudbyee and wen I said goodbye to him he said who cares .watever bye bye I am busy ..go do whatever I want to..was dat meaning of love??????i left my state for him ..go through hurdles to meet him once in my life but he said he never wanted to meet me …I am really a big fool

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