Taking Self-Esteem Classes at Age 26

I like myself. There I said it. However, my domestic violence counselor sent me to “self esteem classes.” My counselor keeps insisting that I need them. At first I thought she might be on to something. I have been acting pretty insecure lately.  I was dating a guy who has consistently blown me off  (like twice in one week). I think that is a reason to be insecure. Here I was thinking he liked me. Would you blow off someone you liked? Even if he was legitimately busy it still sucked being blown off by someone you were looking forward to seeing.

A few days ago I went to self-esteem class and they gave me a bunch of pamphlets. One of them was about people who feel empty  inside and try to fill that void via romantic relationships. Ummm….I have never felt that way.  Ever. The pamphlet said this is the fundamental fuel for sex addicts and why people like Arnold Schwarzenegger act the way they do; why some people who seem to have it all never feel like they have enough. The pamplet said that people with this issue are looking to take love and validation from  other people when in reality, to truly love is to be in the position of giving and doing things for other people.


Well I already know that I don’t fit into this category. I have been taking care of sick relatives for a few years, volunteering at farms and animal shelters and never once have I done it for profit or to get something out of it. Why would I? In fact I even wrote about my mental process of getting through rape and put it on here, and that actually helped people and myself heal as well. I guess I could write a strong thesis arguing against the idea that I am trying to fill some void inside of me through relationships.

That is not how I end up in relationships, I swear. It’s more like this. I am minding my own business and then some guy shows up. I try to ignore him and move on with my life but he becomes intriguing and persistent. Then I suddenly am interested in dating him or want a relationship because I can’t bare the thought of not having this new person in my life, though I previously swore off of dating. It is especially difficult to keep on moving when the guy appears nice and respectful. Why would I ignore the opportunity to go out with someone nice and respectful? And what if they are nice, and respectful, and cute? Forget it. I’m done.

I had been listening to the advice of others, what to do, what not to do. Too many voices got in my head- like the voices of those who told me I need self-esteem classes. I said to my counselor, I will take these classes, but I like myself. I like myself more than I ever did in my entire life. Don’t forget. It has only been a year and a half since I went to talk to a rape counselor- seriously- not long at all. Only been a year and a half since I started blogging about it- it was so fresh and raw- I felt so naked back then.  I have processed my trauma so much so and dealt with my issues so head on that I am not really phased when talking about it. You want to hear about what happened? Pull up a chair! Honestly, it’s as if I’m talking about something that happened to someone else. I no longer feel violated- unless I really dwell on things- then I can make myself feel any way good or bad, you know?

Still, my counselor insisted that I don’t like myself. I found myself crying the other day. I am neurotic and worry way too much about everything- to the point of driving everyone around me crazy. I know how annoying this can be- as I have a friend who is the same way and it’s very annoying.  I would never tell her to change but people have been telling me to change for a while now. My last boyfriend for example, encouraged me to get medicated for my anxiety. Yes, this was the same guy who almost murdered me. Why did he want me to be medicated? So his life would be easier of course. My family too encouraged me to take anxiety medication. At the time it was very difficult. I had terrible germaphobia and a variety of obsessive compulsive thoughts and behaviors.

So the other night when I found myself crying- it was because I was dwelling on the thought how much do I have to change? For some reason I blamed myself for the guy blowing me off- like I did something to cause it. How much do I have to change? I don’t want these guys to think I am too intense or whatever.

I originally was writing this article to say the following: that at 26 years old it’s extremely embarrassing to admit that I need self esteem classes, that there were many things that happened to me as a child and since then that made my value plummet,  that more people probably need self-esteem classes- many of them probably older than me and few of them would admit it let alone sign up for them, but then another thought occurred to me. What the fuck? I like myself! I think I’ve had a pretty exciting and awesome life thus far. There’s so much more stuff I want to do and will do. What’s not to like?

Then I started to wonder why then, if I don’t have self-esteem issues, are people telling me to take self-esteem classes? Well I am insecure about certain things but usually with a good reason. I was insecure about the guy for example- because to me, nothing says I like you like canceling on someone at the last minute, right? Wrong. I was confused about where I stand. He says one thing and does the other. So ya, I was insecure about whether or not he was interested in me anymore. I blamed myself thinking maybe I did something that made him not want to talk to me as much anymore- he was so into me in the beginning- I thought that maybe it’s because I act crazy. Well then I thought about it- I didn’t really act crazy. I worry that I do, but don’t really act anything out of the ordinary.

Then there’s this other thing- maybe this is me. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am intense. I can make myself worry to the point of neurosis even paranoia at times. These traits are only part of who I am. In the third paragraph I mentioned some positive traits- I’m helpful, caring, etc. Now all my good traits aren’t good, they’re great (in my opinion), and nobody is perfect- of course with such positive traits I would have to have some really negative ones too wouldn’t I? It is nature. It is balance. So how much do I have to change? I wondered. How much do I have to change to not push away a man (or this is what I perceived myself to be doing which in retrospect I was not. It is the nature of an abuse victim to perpetually blame themselves for everything, which is what I was doing). The answer to how much I have to change is not one bit! I spent the last year and a half in counseling for rape and addiction and everything and I am doing fabulous in comparison to the small child living inside of a twenty-something year old woman who was crying in her bedroom every night calling help lines talking about how she was raped ten years ago. Nope. That’s not me anymore- everything is out in the open.  In fact, I kind of find my neuroticness amusing- it makes for good articles and stories.  Think about it- Monk, Woody Allen, Jack Nicholson’s character in As Good as it Gets. Those are some of the most neurotic characters in film and tv and people love them!

So I was worried my neuroticness would push potential men folk away- well might as well let everything hang out now because it seems my personality is here to stay and you know what? That’s okay with me. You know why? Because I like myself the way I am and I am not going to change for anyone. You know why? Because I don’t want to! Fuck self-esteem classes- I don’t need them! I realized after thinking about it and realizing that no one’s perfect that I don’t want to change me. Infact I can’t change me. I tried. I tried to do some version of a Hayley- light- like low fat or something- think Snackwells cookies (and we all know how delicious those are).

I refuse to be turned into some sort of diabetic cookie! I think diets are horrible- I quit dieting years ago and will not start now. I am going to be Hayley. Not Hayley-light. Not Hayley-ultra light. Not low-fat Hayley. No, I am and will continue to be 100% pure Hayley (not from concentrate). If a guy isn’t going to date me because of my bad qualities and completely disregard my great qualities then he can keep it moving. Oh, and I think I will also leave the self-esteem classes for people who actually need them- I guess they were good for something- just going to one class forced me to access and acknowledge my own!

5 Comments

Filed under Growth, Healing, relationships, Uncategorized

5 Responses to Taking Self-Esteem Classes at Age 26

  1. Paul Roese

    i like you too Hayley! NEVER FORGET there are Worse things than being in a relationship with someone especially someone who you don’t care about and who doesn’t care about you! the loneliest times i have ever experienced were when i was in an unhappy relationship. we all have our good and bad points and so now even though i try and put my best foot forward when i meet people i don’t try to be someone i am not. i am passionate about a lot of things, politics, art, music, religion and i am not going to pretend otherwise. they may as well know what they see is what they get. i not going to pretend to be anything other than what i am . it was one of the few things i admired about Pat Buchannan when he ran for president. he refused to hire any pollsters or spin people saying folks knew where he stood on issues and the could vote for him or not. i doubt any politician does that now. i enjoy our time together though it would be nice to have over adult beverages and a longer duration. if women can’t see what i may have to offer or guys can’t see what you have to offer than it’s their loss and we are better off without em’ if you ever doubt this just be with a couple who start fighting then when you get home you go WHEW! just kick back and enjoy your own company or your pals on the internet.

    To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
    e. e. cummings

    • Hayley Rose

      Thanks Paul! hahaha- You are right though- being in an unhappy relationship is the pits- I would rather be alone as well. Might as well be yourself- like you said- and if only all politicians represented themselves accurately before an election took place…Yes I agree I enjoy your comments and am glad you always stop by- now you make another great point- watch a couple fighting- yikes! The internet Blogosphere is often more fun than relationships- I remember in my last one, I often thought to myself I’d rather be home on my computer than hanging out with him right now, lol

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  3. Connie

    I have been upset almost everyday since being raped two years ago. It was not the first the time. And there was another incident last year. but this one in particular just replays every day. I was 22. He was 50. I thought that he was my friend. I feel so stupid because obviously with the age difference he was never my “friend”. I also feel stupid because I had spent time with him talking about my family and personal things and I did not realise he was only waiting for the opportunity to attack me. He doesn’t even think that he attacked me. He says that I chose to hang out with him and I was all over him and I just can’t remember but I wanted to be with him. But I know that I would never do that and I was passed out when he sex with me. But I continued to be in contact with him for a month afterwards. And there were 2 other times. And now I am neurotic. And I have tried so many times over the past 2.5 years to get him to apologise. And I always say things to his friends. I am neurotic. I am going to wind up in jail or a mental institution for harassing him. I don’t understand why it is still taking over my life or how to not be upset about what happened.

    • Hayley Rose

      I am sorry that this happened to you. It is very difficult for anyone to go through and I understand the feeling of thinking about and replaying a trauma over and over again in your head every day. It sounds like he is trying to control you by telling you how to think, when clearly, you already know what to think, what’s right and what’s wrong. Be strong, don’t let him infiltrate what you know and tell you what you wanted. You know what you wanted. Of course a rapist is going to try to convince you that they aren’t a rapist, heck even outsiders who have no idea what happened will blame the victim (before they blame the rapist). I would call a local rape crisis center or a rape crisis center hotline and see what advice they give you, especially if this is keeping you up at night. Even if you don’t do anything such as press charges, just talking about it will help a great deal.

      24-hour hotline 1-800-870-5905

      http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/