Abusive Relationships: Leave Before You Leave in a Bodybag

I think Adele’s video, “Set Fire to the Rain,” is a great example of a typical abusive relationship. It is actually difficult for me to watch, but I like this song… It does a very good job depicting the typical dynamics, the physical abuse, the screaming, punching, pushing, but what’s even more important is that it depicts the “making up.” The “making up” part of an abusive relationship is by far the sickest facet of the entire dynamic. In fact it is so painful to be without this person, the very person who causes the pain because, consequently, they’re also the only one who can make it go away- now that’s what I call a dilemna. Try putting up with this awful cycle for months and even years and tell me how your health is faring- non-existent I would say. If they don’t kill you,there’s a good chance you will kill yourself on purpose or by accident. 1 in every 5 female murder victims in the US are first victims of domestic violence.

Don’t let the fists flying in this video trick you. Domestic violence and abuse doesn’t start out this way, not always, not usually. It’s more subtle. For example, you want to go out with a friend and your partner pulls something like, “Oh but I really wanted to do something with you tonight. I just love spending time with you.” Sweet, right? Wrong. Then there are the subtle suggestions, “You’re not going to wear that out are you? You look so much better in this,” (then they hold up some mud colored shroud that covers all your best physical assets).

Then what happens? You’ve come to depend on them for something- money maybe, or in a lot of cases just companionship. The second you become dependent on them, they start to pull away from you. The entire dynamics of the situation shift. Now, you are chasing them trying to win back their “approval.” As long as they got you doing this they are going to make sure you keep treading water. You will never again gain their approval because not having it allows them to have the most control over you. This is when the real abuse starts.

Now, they will scream at you for being too clingy. Tell you to get out, you’re annoying, go away, but then when you go, they ask you to come back. Or they somehow manipulate you into asking them if you can come back, well begging them really.  The more pathetic you become, the meaner they are, because now they see you crawling on your knees and know they can get away with anything, anything. This is when the hitting and pushing begins.

When physical abuse begins you are really screwed. You will either be leaving the relationship with a black eye, broken bone, or in a body bag. I almost left in a body bag and everyday it haunts me, every day. I am full of hate for this man. I have never hated anyone in my life, even the worst bullies, even my rapists, but this man almost took my life. He had the choice, he had the control in that situation. Imagine that your in a life or death situation but you’re not the one who decides. It’s like someone else has a gun to your face. You’re at their mercy, completely. This is the ultimate control. He took for a minute the privledges of The Reaper. Would he use his scithe to take what little life I had left? Or would he spare me? I think the only reason he didn’t murder me that night was because he didn’t want to go to jail. I’m sure if he could’ve gotten away with it, he would’ve. So if you are strong enough, stronger than I was, please get out before it’s too late.


This article is the basis for my upcoming book. I haven’t been blogging much this week, mainly because I”m wrapping up everything to make sure my book will be released on Valentine’s Day. Meeting this deadline means a lot of writing, reading, and not a lot of sleeping. I just want to say next week in honor of my favorite holiday, Valentine’s Day, I am going to be posting a lot of articles about relationships as well as an online dating social experiment and my findings.



Filed under Dating, Domestic Violence, Healing, Heart, Life Lessons

3 Responses to Abusive Relationships: Leave Before You Leave in a Bodybag

  1. Paul Roese

    i remember the first girl i lived with told me right before i moved in with her that if i ever even raised a hand toward her we were done. i couldn’t quite figure out what brought that on. i have never ever no matter how angry i might get with a girl thought for a second about hitting her. i have been plenty pissed too but that line of action never enters my head. i asked her about what prompted the statement but she gave no details and i didn’t press the issue. i did think if she was concerned based on some past episode it was good to get it on the record. i am glad you escaped and don’t seem to be drawing your dates from the “Bum of the Month” club. cheers ;=)

    • Hayley Rose

      That’s weird and offensive. I’m sorry you were on the receiving end of that one! Not cool. I was actually planning on writing an article about that- women who assert themselves at the wrong times with the wrong people and what it means. Bum of the month club lol- good you just reminded me I have to cancel my membership- you see, they still show up- I just don’t put up with them anymore or they don’t put up with me and leave (when they see I am not to be controlled and used etc)

      • Paul Roese

        i didn’t take offense at her declaration just was puzzled by it and what might have prompted it. she never did get around to sharing but i figured she would in her own time. she moved to Chicago for a better job after we were together for a couple of years and never got around to it. i gathered that she had some unpleasant experiences in her past and was embarrassed or too raw to talk about them. i do think sometimes it’s not only traumatic experiences we long to forget but embarrassing or shameful choices we have made as well. thanks for your concern amiga.

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