I think Adele’s video, “Set Fire to the Rain,” is a great example of a typical abusive relationship. It is actually difficult for me to watch, but I like this song… It does a very good job depicting the typical dynamics, the physical abuse, the screaming, punching, pushing, but what’s even more important is that it depicts the “making up.” The “making up” part of an abusive relationship is by far the sickest facet of the entire dynamic. In fact it is so painful to be without this person, the very person who causes the pain because, consequently, they’re also the only one who can make it go away- now that’s what I call a dilemna. Try putting up with this awful cycle for months and even years and tell me how your health is faring- non-existent I would say. If they don’t kill you,there’s a good chance you will kill yourself on purpose or by accident. 1 in every 5 female murder victims in the US are first victims of domestic violence.
Don’t let the fists flying in this video trick you. Domestic violence and abuse doesn’t start out this way, not always, not usually. It’s more subtle. For example, you want to go out with a friend and your partner pulls something like, “Oh but I really wanted to do something with you tonight. I just love spending time with you.” Sweet, right? Wrong. Then there are the subtle suggestions, “You’re not going to wear that out are you? You look so much better in this,” (then they hold up some mud colored shroud that covers all your best physical assets).
Then what happens? You’ve come to depend on them for something- money maybe, or in a lot of cases just companionship. The second you become dependent on them, they start to pull away from you. The entire dynamics of the situation shift. Now, you are chasing them trying to win back their “approval.” As long as they got you doing this they are going to make sure you keep treading water. You will never again gain their approval because not having it allows them to have the most control over you. This is when the real abuse starts.
Now, they will scream at you for being too clingy. Tell you to get out, you’re annoying, go away, but then when you go, they ask you to come back. Or they somehow manipulate you into asking them if you can come back, well begging them really. The more pathetic you become, the meaner they are, because now they see you crawling on your knees and know they can get away with anything, anything. This is when the hitting and pushing begins.
When physical abuse begins you are really screwed. You will either be leaving the relationship with a black eye, broken bone, or in a body bag. I almost left in a body bag and everyday it haunts me, every day. I am full of hate for this man. I have never hated anyone in my life, even the worst bullies, even my rapists, but this man almost took my life. He had the choice, he had the control in that situation. Imagine that your in a life or death situation but you’re not the one who decides. It’s like someone else has a gun to your face. You’re at their mercy, completely. This is the ultimate control. He took for a minute the privledges of The Reaper. Would he use his scithe to take what little life I had left? Or would he spare me? I think the only reason he didn’t murder me that night was because he didn’t want to go to jail. I’m sure if he could’ve gotten away with it, he would’ve. So if you are strong enough, stronger than I was, please get out before it’s too late.
This article is the basis for my upcoming book. I haven’t been blogging much this week, mainly because I”m wrapping up everything to make sure my book will be released on Valentine’s Day. Meeting this deadline means a lot of writing, reading, and not a lot of sleeping. I just want to say next week in honor of my favorite holiday, Valentine’s Day, I am going to be posting a lot of articles about relationships as well as an online dating social experiment and my findings.