I have a variety of friends. Friends from different countries. Friends with different values. Friends from many cultures. They are all very unique, but what is even more unique is their love lives. One of my friends is polyamorous- have you ever heard of this? I didn’t until she told me about it. Polyamory is the practice of keeping several lovers at once; having several intimate relationships going on at the same time, and being completely honest about it to everyone involved. I could never do this. I don’t like to share…my men. I also wouldn’t really have an interest in sleeping with several people at once. It’s just not my thing.
Another friend of mine recently suggested I get a few “fuck buddies.” This made me wonder if he ever listens to anything I say or reads any of my blogs. I have had enough meaningless relationships to last a few lifetimes, I’m not about to begin participation in meaningless sex as well. He is cool with this idea and has several “fuck buddies” himself. A lot of guys and girls would probably appreciate this type of no strings attached arrangement, I am however, looking for someone who feels quite the opposite.
I have another friend who is quick to hop into bed with a person yet reluctant to start a relationship with said person. I really have trouble wrapping my mind around that one. To me, both decisions are heavily weighted.
You don’t need me to tell you that there are many obvious risks involved in sleeping with lots of people especially if you don’t know them. A friend told me that she had sex with this guy and after they were done he casually mentioned to her that his genital herpes was in remission! Wow. This is something that would better be discussed beforehand. The risk of STDs is just one of the factors here. What about heartbreak?
I guess some people can have sex and not get attached or have feelings for the person afterwards. Maybe they are the majority, or maybe they are just under the influence or in a constant state of numbness so their feelings don’t exactly come to the surface. I can only speak for myself and I know I couldn’t do this. Though my friends have colorful sex lives I would rather just listen to their crazy stories than participate in this type of activity myself.
I consider myself an expert at relationships- failed relationships, that is. I can tell a person what they should not do and how to act to get the desired result, but when the role is reversed, I crash and burn with the best of them.
I have had more guys blow me off for dates because they “fell asleep,” “were being chased by the cops,” “their friend/sister/mother got in a car accident,” “they ran out of minutes for their go-phone,” “were tired,” “had to work late” and that they “had to drive the boss to the airport even though they told me she already left town the day before.” All of those incidents hurt, but they would’ve hurt more if I slept with the men and then they gave me these ridiculous excuses. I would surely be thrown into some kind of catastrophic depression, so I don’t just jump into bed with guys like many of my friends and acquaintances do.
Because of my choices I often do not get a second or third date with anyone- as these men are typically expecting sex on the first or second one… In the beginning, I was extremely upset by this and scoured myself trying to figure out what it was I did wrong- what I had done that sent them away, but it wasn’t what I did, it was what I didn’t do. Why should I sleep with a guy on a first or second or even third date? These are the type of people who aren’t going to call you back for another date whether you sleep with them or not. Not sleeping with them sounds like the solution to me, as it causes minimal hurt to myself, and the utmost importance in this situation would be looking out for myself- as these men certainly were not.
Don’t forget to chekc out my upcoming book on relationships: I Know Why They Call a Shell a Shell: Tales of Love Lost at Sea
right there with ya chica! years ago my roommate Jim made the preceptive comment that all the sexual activity among some of the guys we knew amounted to little more than masturbating in a warm hole. it wasn’t the culmination of anything or moving to a deeper level of intimacy No! it was just about getting your rocks off which as Jim noted could be done at anytime with Rosie Palm and her 5 sisters. after all the swagger and macho talk you would hear the guys say that it wasn’t all that great and blaming the woman but they’d be back to the pick up bars that night. to me it seemed like going to a crappy restaurant where you could eat your fill but the meal was never satisfying. why is that so great? as to open relationships i have yet to personally know of one that lasted very long. i have alway thought if you had several “lovers” it was because you really didn’t care about them. it’s easy to be “open” about things when you feel like that but if your friend fell hard for another she might not be so happy about sharing that person with someone else. fuck buddies are so 1990’s and why would you want to be somebody’s masturbatory aid?
“to me it seemed like going to a crappy restaurant where you could eat your fill but the meal was never satisfying.” Great metaphor
I don’t know any open relationships that have worked out either!