Promiscuity

There are some who might say that I have had way too many sexual partners in my life.  I have been tested and do not have any STD’s yet I know I have taken chances.  I think it has been a rather normal progression of people in my life and I like to think I have played it safe.  I look back at the journals I wrote during those times and I wonder what I was thinking.  I know I was imagining that this was the way to love.  My journey and documenting the stops continue to this day and I feel close to some personal truths.  My path is not for everyone but I don’t regret my life.

I had been divorced after twenty five years because the sex was terrible.  That really was the bottom line in addition to religious, personality and astrological differences.  So when I was free I went looking.  I actually found an affair while I was still married.  The Internet swept me into a world that still intrigues me.  Bruce was my first fellow and he gave me the kisses I was missing. My ex is still a fine friend but I needed more.  I found it and never looked back.

Most people are in relationships for money, security and company.  I like a good lover and someone I enjoy sleeping with at night. The body to body connection rarely factions in as the years advance. I  realize that most relationships eventually evolve to non sexual couples who don’t even remember how to ‘get it on’.  I wanted more than that but I think it is tricky to find a long term relationship that has a good physical connection for the duration.  I see couples in Love who stick by each other no matter what and it is endearing.  That kind of love is a wonderful thing and it would be nice to feel that trust with someone.  I leave a relationship when it gets boring or too extreme which makes me wonder if I have what it takes to stick by someone.  I think I do if I find the right person.  I have been with about six men seriously in my life.  So that is the search. Who do you love and want to be with?

My ex asked me once what he could do to please me.  I said “Spank Me” and his mind could not grasp that concept.  I am a submissive.  I am not a dominatrix.  I think a person needs to know this about their self.  My mind loves to go in sexual directions.  Most people shy away from these thoughts as dangerous and I know I justify the wild things I have done and I am in denial about the dangers.  I imagine that there are many people in the world who get old and have a pile of photos of all the lovers in their life.  I know an old fellow like that.  He showed me the photos and it was obvious he had a great life with many beautiful women.

I had lots of S&M fantasies that I was exploring in my life and they went way back to childhood images stories in my mind.   That was something that I had to explore and I am glad to say I have worked thru most of them and understand why certain things turn me on and others don’t.  I still make mistakes in choosing a partner.  Maybe I have learned nothing from all this experimentation.  The road to love has been a long journey and I feel sometimes I am just starting.  Do any of us truly know pure love? It seems to mean giving up and receiving at the same time. That sounds like sex to me.   Doing the sensual dance with a person is a straight road to finding out what is inside them.

I am very fortunate that all my love affairs have been positive and consensual.  Even with people I break up with I want it to be a mutual agreement and I try to make sense of each encounter.  Writing about all the fellows who have been in my life is something I have always wanted to do.  Who wants to read a list of affairs?  I do it for myself in my search for meaning in this universe.  It is not a judgment call but a deep way to revisit the past in light of the present.  No regrets so far.  No real success at love tho either unless it is possible to have many great loves and I have that.  How will my life end, that is what I ask myself now, alone with my memories or helping one more old fellow to get it up and have a romp?   Sometimes I think I would make a good call girl.  I like to help people have fun.  There just isn’t enough opportunity for that in this modern world.

Chelsea Handler is a modern entertainer who has the sort of attitude I like.  I am much more of a caregiver than she is and will take on any sad case, but we both have the desire to make people laugh.  We also like to tip over conventional nuggets of wisdom and expose something original.  I enjoy talking about my past lovers because it is fun.   Titillating an audience and my own brain is something that amuses me and makes life a little brighter.

I like to think about men and juggle them around in my mind.  Jackson Browne sings that great song….”Seven Women On My Mind”….They all have something they want from him.  When you finally find someone you do want to spend some time with it can get heavy.  Keeping life at a distance is convenient.  When you have a relationship it is like owning a dog.  You have to take it to the vet and usually help it die.  You become attached.  Love attachments can turn on you and some attachments are better left apart.  Sometimes you attach to someone and love them but one has to go because of death, illness or another woman.  Move on.  There are Plenty of Fish in the Sea and that is the name of the dating site on the internet that I use now.  Yes, there are still some people who would like to date a sixty five year old lady who knows some tricks.

I have felt I was surrounded by a sphere of spirits that I have been close to as lovers on many different levels.  An astrological field of stars that keeps me safe and provides me with pleasure like no other.   It is a sacred circle.  A good lover is worth most trouble.   I had to say ‘most’ instead of ‘any’ because there are limits.  But I will go to great lengths to be with someone who turns me on.   It is that very magnetism that attracts us all to everything.

Loving and living sensually has a price and a reward.  You get old like everyone else but you have these vivid memories.  I can recall some of the affairs I have had with a smile and I look forward to writing about them here.  One fellow had it right when he said we were making memories.  My mind is happy.   My soul will just have to sort it all out.

 

9 Comments

Filed under Addiction, Art, Dating, Destiny, Dreams, Heart, Love, Passion, relationships, Sex, Uncategorized, Writing

9 Responses to Promiscuity

  1. LHeure Bleue

    I think you’re pretty normal except that you honor your needs when many deny them. I have two children and I love them both, I have many friends I love dearly. Love is only as limited as the person who gives it. I have truly loved more than one man and married more than one man I didn’t truly love. It takes more than love for anything to be long term, it takes work and play too. I don’t work well with everyone, I also don’t play well with everyone.

    I think it’s wonderful that you find people you can play with and you honor the different types of playing you enjoy like sex and art. Work is the stuff we grind out and have to compromise on. The trick for me is to find someone I love, work well with and play well with. I think you (me, and everyone) would be good for long term but the partner needs to be right for each of us.

    I wish all my love affairs had been positive. I’m looking for meaning more in my past because of your writings. I’m learning much from you in this way, seeing value even in my sorrows. Yes, a good lover is worth most of the trouble, oh yes. Thank you for being so real, you help me so much on my journey.

    • suzanne smith

      Thanks Doris. We are all on quite a journey and you help me too. I think of the people who are in one long term relationship for life and they don’t seem much happier than I am. Life is UP and then it is DOWN and then back again. If our happiness depends on another person to make us whole that doesn’t seem right.
      I seem to live this way in my work, my cyber worlds, and my sex life. It is just who I am. It is going to be so interesting to look back on it all as well as inspect the present and extrapolate into the future. Stay tuned as it is going to get deep.

  2. Hayley Rose

    I LOVE THIS PIECE. Great job Z!!

    “The road to love has been a long journey and I feel sometimes I am just starting. Do any of us truly know pure love? It seems to mean giving up and receiving at the same time. That sounds like sex to me. ” Such an astounding observation!

  3. Paul Roese

    Promiscuity can be hard to define and based on ones concept of the value of sex. like Ben says in the film “The Graduate” to explain his actions to Mr Robinson. “It’s just like shaking hands! the sex had no more significance to me or Mrs Robinson than if we just shook hands.” of course Mr Robinson wan’t buying that. it was and i guess still is a notion that the act in and of itself is value free and the only meaning is what a person assigns to the act. that does break down though because most would not say if someone punched or slapped you but did so without any anger or ill will towards you the action was neutral. in the movies or on TV isn’t that what the hit man always says to the person he is about to kill! “Hey, it’s nothing personal.” my view is promiscuous people hold sex as valueless. certainly most don’t act the same way when it comes to other aspects of their lives like their paychecks or cars or computers or living space. why is sex held to have such little value? i had only a single one night stand and it left me more depressed afterwards than i was before. i am just too old school and think sex is about connection and part of an ongoing relationship process. otherwise having lots of sex is no more different than having eaten lots of pasta over your life. can you remember all the pasta dinners you have had?

    • suzanne smith

      What a wonderful comment. Thank you. I have always thought of sex as part of an ongoing relationship process. I think it is unusual to find a man who thinks like that. Most men think short term while most women have already planned out a life together with the first bit of flirting.
      When I go into a sexual relationship I very rarely think of it in purely sexual terms. Now recently I have been with a young lover after my boyfriend died and he was pure pleasure with no strings. It was just what I needed. However I am now back on my search for a relationship and sex is part of that search. At least it is for me. More to come on this topic of sex and love and I am so happy to be here on Hayley’s Commets.

      • Paul Roese

        thanks Suzanne but i think there are more men than one might guess who feel like you and i do. sex for it’s own sake even for those who once were always on the prowl becomes pretty empty after awhile. the experience is just masturbation with a partner. even fellows i know who use to watch a lot of porn get tired of it after awhile where the only connection made is with your hand 😉

  4. Hayley Rose

    @Paul “promiscuous people hold sex as valueless.” Insightful comment!!! Something to think about…

    @Suzanne- Glad you are here!

  5. suzanne smith

    Shaking hands….is that what promiscuous sex is like? That word promiscuous is loaded with guilt and shame. I think if we called it dating there would be less complaining. There are sexual roads that are fraught with danger and obsession and need to be avoided and treated. I think our society has gone to some dark places in celibate behavior too. Couples are sex starved and staying together but wandering in their minds with little communication or experimentation. Dead bodies sleeping together without any pleasure. The friendship is nice but there is an emptiness to a relationship every night when sex is not part of being in bed together. Fortunately the topic of sex is opening up with the internet and we are getting some information. Keep it coming Hayley, the world needs you.

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