Becoming the woman I used to be

Lay, Lady, Lay

by Bob Dylan

 

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed

Whatever colors you have in your mind

I’ll show them to you and you’ll see them shine.

 

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed

Until the break of day, let me see you make him smile

His clothes are dirty but his hands are clean

And you’re the best thing that he’s ever seen.

 

Stay, lady, stay, stay with your man awhile

Why wait any longer for the world to begin

You can have your cake and eat it too

Why wait any longer for the one you love

When he’s standing in front of you.

 

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed

Stay, lady, stay, stay while the night is still ahead

I long to see you in the morning light

I long to reach for you in the night

Stay, lady, stay, stay while the night is still ahead?

 

I’ve been too sad lately, it’s been 8 years and I should be over my former husband by now. Everyone wants me to be over it, so that’s how I pretend to be. I miss more than the man, I miss who I was with him. How easy it was to be myself, think what I wanted, feel what I wanted, express what I wanted, be quiet when I wanted. He thought so highly of me, more than I deserved. He was a plain man, quiet, funny with his close friends and  tough as hell, he treated waitresses like they were princesses and his word was gold. I was so proud that someone that good loved me. I don’t do well in captivity but like anyone else I want a soft place to land, and he was mine.

It wasn’t an easy life, or a good life by many people’s standards, but it was my dream life. It was dinner I made every night, no phone calls or TV, just family. It was helping to load steers into a trailer when they scared me, putting the zert in the U Joint because I have long thin fingers, learning to shoot the shotgun so he could leave for two weeks, and standing the walls for the garage I wanted. It was a million times I said “no I can’t do it,” and he said “yes you can, I need a buddy here.” I was his buddy too. It was the screened porch and the pond he built me with the waterfall so I could watch the birds play. And it was never feeling guilty if I just sat there all day with a book. It was the bird book and journal for Christmas and all the hours I chattered endlessly about the Indigo Buntings.

I never took any of it for granted, he was my good husband, I was his good wife. No matter how broke we were or what misfortunes came I felt safe. I knew he had my back and I had his, he was always on my side. Every morning for 11 years he said mornin’ gorgeous and I always believed him. He had a voice like Sam Elliot and I never stood a chance, “hey gorgeous come give me a hand fixing the fence.” I miss feeling pretty while twisting baling wire. I miss the sound of his truck and running down the porch steps like I was a young girl. “Hey gorgeous” like he meant it, like gorgeous was my name

It was safe to be sweet, to be generous, to be forgiving, to be loyal, to be trusting, to truly love all the way. It felt so good to be that happy. We should never have moved to the city, it was bad and 6 months later he left. Our second real argument in 11 years, I came home from work the next day and he was gone. Like someone once said, it was over… just like that. He even left on a day I hated, April 15th. It still feels like someone is crushing my chest when I remember it. I knew him well, knew nothing I said would make him come back and he didn’t.

 

I’ll never forget the first bird’s nest he brought me, he said “I have a tray-zure for you” He always called little things he brought me treasures and said it in a funny way tray-zure. The nest was tiny and lined with mane or tail hair from my crazy-assed filly. I felt like he always saw the me inside, the nest is here by my desk to help me remember who I was with him. I’ve since dated and have had boyfriends and I don’t like who I’ve been with any of them. Lately I’ve been afraid and it’s hard to remember who I was 8 years ago but I’m trying.

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The above piece was written in Feb 2010, today I remember who I am. Like the lady in the song, I’m the woman with dreams.

Like the song said, my former husband saw the things inside me, the colors in my own mind. He saw what I loved, brought me treasures and helped me make my world lovely. He was a simple man, with rough hands from hard work, dirty clothes and inside, his spirit was clean and honorable down to the bone. Life was hard on the farm, never enough money or time, always enough love and laughter. I suppose you could say we had it all.

Decades ago as a young girl I heard that Bob Dylan song and fell in love with the lines; “Whatever colors you have in your mind, I’ll show them to you and you’ll see them shine.” I thought of what it would be like to love and be loved by someone who could see what was inside me, someone kind and good, to have a life with. Like in a fairy tale, one day it happened, maybe dreams don’t last forever, but dreams do come true.

 

 

10 Comments

Filed under Dreams, Fairy Tales, Growth, Healing, Heart, Life Lessons, Love, relationships

10 Responses to Becoming the woman I used to be

  1. Geez, Bleue, you really got me with this writing. So deep and pure that I feel chills down my back. It is so lovely to be someone you like when you are with someone. I’ve had it too in small doses but I have been people I dont like most of the time. You are right that maybe just having had that is enough. Nothing lasts forever. I think you are so darn wise. I love this sentence….

    “I miss more than the man, I miss who I was with him.”

    The nest photo says it all too. I love a nice cozy nest and the fun is so intoxicating. I miss that so much. But it has always been illusive. Much Love Bleue and thank you for writing this.

    • Doris

      Suzanne, it’s exhausting to live on the defensive, I won’t live like that again. I loved being the woman I was once free to be. Thanks for a lovely and insightful comment.

  2. Linda Seccaspina

    Bleue,

    Good men do come and go through our lives and sometimes we just have to stop and look around.
    the way he left… sigh.. that has to play in your mind for the rest of your life.

    HUGGGGGGGGGGG

    • Doris

      Linda, I got lucky once, maybe I’ll get lucky again. Like so many other painful things, the hurt of him leaving has faded, the fear that it could happen again hasn’t yet.

  3. Hayley Rose

    Bravo!! What an amazing post- you really did it again L’Heure! Thanks for sharing this little masterpiece

  4. Doris

    Hayley, I was lucky enough to have something amazing to write about. Thanks for a lovely compliment.

  5. Paul Roese

    men have similar stories but we aren’t supposed to show it. like the Alice Cooper song :”Only Women Bleed” except that is not the case at all. sorry things didn’t work out for you. best.

    • LHeure Bleue

      Paul, I remember that song well. I wish men could show those feelings too, we’re all poorer when they’re hidden. I can honestly say; better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all.

      Thanks for reading and commenting. Love and joy to you.

  6. Phyllis45

    Hi, Bleue. You were lucky to have that feeling in your life. You write so eloquently.

    • LHeure Bleue

      Phyllis, I was beyond lucky! I wish everyone could be even half as happy as I was. God I hope you get as lucky as I did, you deserve it too. We all do. Thanks for a lovely compliment.

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