Category Archives: Dating

The Royal Baby Blues

I have the Royal Baby Blues. Yesterday, my mother and I tearfully watched the appearance of this new born royal on the public stage. Why am I crying? I wondered. An easy question to answer. In my brain I was calculating that Kate dated William for six years before they got married and had this baby. I am single and the last few years of my dating life has felt like I’ve been a stumbling zombie going bar to bar through some mediocre pub crawl. Sure it got me out of the house, but was it worth it?

Age is a factor. My fear of being single forever has really kicked into high gear in the last year as Prince Charming continues to elude me. I’m back at the pub crawl, I can’t just sit there and enjoy a beer as we go from bar to bar. I’m slamming down shots. I have an objective. I know what I want in the end and I am trying to get there as soon as possible. I no longer feel like time is on my side. I don’t have time for guys who want to “take things slow” because their idea of taking things slow still entails sex, companionship, and getting together yet no commitment. That was cool when I was 22 and the idea of marriage literally made me nauseous, but I’m not 22 anymore. Unlike what their packing, my eggs cannot live forever.

I never really wanted children. I was all about the career. I’m a career woman! I wrote a book! I have awards! I have all those things, but try cuddling up with a book each and every night alone. I’m starting to hate reading. I am thinking realistically. It is not that I want children, but I want the option to have them if I decide to want them and with no steady relationship in sight, it is scary that I don’t even have the possibility.

Well, it’s another day at the office. I am slamming perv guys who are emailing me on Plenty of Fish in between finishing up my work. One guy messaged “when are we gonna sweat together.” At this point I have no expectations, but I was curious if he was truly just being a perv.

“Sweat together? Where?” I asked, giving him plenty of rope to hang himself.

“Go hiking or something over near me,” well the guy lives the next state over. If he thinks I am driving to see him he is crazy. And a hike for a first date? Not only dangerous, but cheap. I have had it. It takes me over an hour to get ready for any date. I am a beautiful perfectionist and I will not look better than my best when I go out and time after time I spent hours getting ready to end up on a date where the guy doesn’t even want to pick up the tab for a $2 coffee. I have become an expert at screening them ahead of time and not even bothering.

“Something near u?” I innocently asked, ready to come in for the kill.

“What do u recommend?” he responded.

“Not going hiking on a first date.”

He then suggested coffee. Aw how thoughtful.

I am too busy and certainly not bored enough to drive a half hour across town to meet this fool for Dunkin Donuts. I would rather stay at my desk writing and pop in another Keurig than bother. It’s not about money it’s about effort and objective. At this point I would refuse the ritziest offer if I sensed it would not be going anywhere. I will just spend my time doing what has got me the farthest (work) and let the relationship chips fall where they may. You never know how your luck can change. So I beg the question: can you relate? Please share in the comments section.

So about that royal baby. Good for them. And for me, I will stay optimistic. You never know, maybe I will just find a baby like in The Hangover?

Stu Price: So, uh, are you sure you’re qualified to be taking care of that baby?
Alan Garner: What are you talking about? I’ve found a baby before.
Stu Price: You found a baby before? Where?
Alan Garner: Coffee Bean.



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Filed under Dating, relationships, Uncategorized

Why I Am Abstinent

Over the last year and a half I have dated over 100 different guys. I’m not into dating though. In fact, I hate it. I didn’t start off looking to date. Like a lot of women I was looking for someone to begin a serious relationship with. However, that really never got off the ground and instead I found myself in serial dater territory. Through my experience in the last year I have learned that the modern US dating scene is truly the “land of free milk and cows,” and because of that sexually conservative women like me are having a next to impossible time finding anybody willing to wait.

I’m no virgin, but I remain abstinent in between long term relationships. And it has been a long time since I’ve had one. I haven’t given in and slept with anyone for several reasons. One of those reasons being that I do not want to be objectified and used for sex.  Of course even in a long term partnership you can be used and disposed of, which is something I talk about extensively in my book I Know Why They Call a Shell a Shell.

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Filed under Dating, Sex

So… Why are you single????

In honor of Valentine’s Day I painted my nails black. Here’s why: I never really had a pet peeve before, but today I think I’ve finally found one: people who take you aside at a party or group and give you a very deep stare and in a very quiet tone look ask “So, why are you single?” Well, Katie Couric, let me tell you how it all started….

How do you answer a question like that? “What can I say? I make bad decisions.” (That’s the best answer I can come up with). Are they expecting some sort of sob story? Or are they just nosy and trying to delve deep into your psyche- curious to uncover just exactly is wrong with you? I think it’s the latter… Well it’s great to know that I’m not the only one making bad decisions. Check out the studpidity I pulled off various dating sites…. Maybe next time someone asks me ‘why are you single?’

Who’s up for dinner? And a movie? And some lies? Anyone who goes out with this guy (after seeing this picture) is just plain stupid…
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Filed under Dating

Kick Me in the Balls?

Ya, so I will be using this blog to post ridiculous things I find on online dating profiles as well as some stories about my own dating disasters (and believe me, I have plenty of those)…. Thank God I have a good sense of humor. Though I’m another year older which means I’m about thirteen eggs dryer and still single with no prospects or knights in shining armor on the horizon, past the horizon or even beyond the horizon when I’m viewing it through binoculars. I try to laugh about these things. Ha. Ha. Aren’t they hilarious? Anyways….

This guy is pretty funny. Below is an excerpt from his Plenty of Fish Profile.

Screen Shot 2013-02-08 at 1.45.03 AM

Hmmm. I believe we (you and I) read that right… That this man is indeed seeking a nice lady to “hit him in the balls.”  You learn something new every day don’t you? According to him, “Yes, people are into that.” Who am I to judge? Thinking about it for a moment, I’ve come to realize there are lots of guys I’d like to hit in the balls!!!

Below is a picture he posted of himself. Since the picture is lacking a face, I am not particularly sure if he specifically is one of those guys I’d love to punch in the balls, but I figure after a few dates with him, I could easily change my mind…

Screen Shot 2013-02-08 at 1.46.48 AM

Below I’ve also posted an extended view of his profile. It says he doesn’t have children. Well thank God for that one… Besides I’m thinking ball injuries could impair one’s ability to produce little ones. I’m not a medical doctor, so I can’t say for sure, but it’s certainly a shame, how guys can be so careless while women like me are forced to watch our finite supply of eggs slowly progress towards the negative…

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So what are your thoughts on this?


Filed under Dating

Internet Courage







Internet Courage [in-ter-net kur-ij]


1. (see liquid courage) Bravery leading to a form of brazen expression, often offensive, enacted over the world wide web

2. Typically much more intoxicating and ballsier than liquid courage

3. Shielded by a computer screen and readily accessible forms of anonymity, it leads (sometimes) sane people to do or say things they wouldn’t typically do in real-life interactions

Example Sentence

If it wasn’t for internet courage, he wouldn’t have sent Jane those unsolicited picture-texts of his pecs.

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Won’t you love my crazy?

I think it’s pretty indisputable that Britney Spears has a few mental issues. It doesn’t get in the way of relationships as the star is almost on her third marriage. Well… maybe it does get in the way of relationships, but it doesn’t keep men from pursuing her. Do not attribute it to her being rich or pretty. When I worked in the school system, one of the other teachers told me about a woman she tutored at a local community college. The woman has multiple personalities, and she put stress on the world multiple. As I listened to the story, I couldn’t help but wonder how, with my one personality, I was still single, while the woman with multiple ones was happily married. Not trying to sound judgmental, I seriously began to wonder what exactly was wrong with me… She went on to describe the gamut of emotional issues this woman had and all the things her husband dealt with. He was very patient, she said.

After breaking up with my last boyfriend and a year of online dating on and off I put up one last profile in which I declared  that I was “Looking for a miracle.” I certainly got some interesting responses. One guy sent me a message that read, “Miracle huh? Are you really that bad?” This made me laugh but at the same time made me wonder… Was I?

It’s safe to say everybody has issues and there I was back on the couch with a new domestic violence counselor. It was extremely humbling this time around, because when I surveyed her bookshelf,  I recognized the names of many acquaintances from the writing world… But there I was, again. And why?

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Filed under Dating, Friendship, Growth, Heart, Life Lessons, Love, relationships, Sexual Assault


He was perfect, well almost. I met him online. He was a big guy, 250 lbs of solid muscle and taller than me (for once). Arms. I have a thing for men’s arms, muscular ones. I find them attractive. His arms were huge. His biceps were easily larger than my thighs and his forearms were easily bigger than my calves. He actually called me a lot too, as in -instead of texting- and he even seemed interested at first. Then he added me to his Facebook. Those beautiful arms of his were not what I had seen in his pictures on the dating site. Now that I was privileged to the information on his Facebook, I saw that both his arms were tatted up with full sleeves!

In the past, I always found tattoos on guys to be sexy but two full sleeves? Not really my style… We went out to dinner where I was able to see them close up.

“Are those dinosaurs?” I asked examining the various illustrations on his arms.

“Dragons,” he promptly corrected me.


He could call them whatever he wanted. They looked like dinosaurs to me and the thought of this big tough guy tattooing a family of blue and purple dinosaurs on his arms made me giggle. I tried to be respectful and bit my lip.

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Filed under Dating, Journal, relationships

The Illusion of Love

Butterflies emerge from the darkness of the cocoon to greet the light and fly.  What a feeling that must be!  There is such a lightness to falling in love and to be uplifted by the attention of another person is an uplifting high full of hope and possibilities.  The reality of Love is that although it will transform you, it can be quite painful.

The evolution of a love affair is a steady progression of acts and communication.  It is like when a woman gives birth to a baby; she sees the power of existence it is overwhelming.  The steady love that can develop over a lifetime between a mother and child is subject to all sorts of challenges.  Life is not static.  It evolves and swirls around us in illusions.

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Filed under Dating, Destiny, Friendship, Heart, Love, relationships, Sex

The Chef

He came to the store where I worked and before he spoke, I recognized him as the person I had been talking to on the internet.  He was very tall and quiet black gentleman with big doe eyes and he wanted me badly.

His wife was distant.  She was an alcoholic and that was the big elephant in the room that no one talked about in his house.  At the time I didn’t know what that meant.  Now I do and I sympathize with him.  We met again at a coffee shop in the eclectic part of town where I lived.  I liked him.  Smart, responsible and sexy.   He was a chef at a downtown hotel and he had started that profession by just walking in to a place that had a “dishwasher wanted” sign in the window.  From there, he worked his way up to head chef.

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Filed under Dating, Passion, Sex, Uncategorized

Crazy Does It Good

Have you noticed that there is a certain abandon to someone who lives outside the box?  I have always enjoyed the characters of this world and the relationships I have had with the crazy ones involve mind blowing sex.  There is something about someone who can let loose of the norms of society and give their all to passion that ignites a spark in me.  People who are sane and able to sustain life in a normal manner usually do not turn me on.
It takes a leap of faith to jump into a sexual relationship.  So many people are afraid of that intensity.  Isn’t that why we are in these bodies?  Aren’t we here to enjoy these pleasures?  The monks of the world would tell me that the spiritual bliss they experience with their meditation is a hundred times as powerful as lowly sex.  I beg to differ.   The joy of two bodies coming together trumps all in my book and if that means I’m crazy then so be it.

Having a drink and transcending this reality is a sign that you are close to the edge.  Taking a hike up a dangerous mountain so that you can jump off it with a para-glider is crazy.  But can you imagine the thrill? Having an art show in the center of the city or publishing a novel that the whole world will read is a high that can’t be imagined.  Hard work will make you high.  Crazy to give it all up for fame and fortune.  Crazy to want to lay in bed with someone who can give you intense pleasure.  Crazy does it good.

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Filed under Dating, Destiny, Love, Passion, Sex