Category Archives: Dating

My New Dress

My Spring frock came from Ross Dress For Less. I love that place. It is a zoo but I know it so well now that I can get in and get out quickly. I could spend lots of money there that I do not have. But I got this dress for less than twenty bucks and it made me happy.  I had it tied around my waist and that tie came undone at the gas station.  I didn’t realize it was hanging half off of me as I went into the station to pay my bill.  This dress is trouble.  I wore it to a community dinner at my Mom’s and I felt good in it and got a compliment from her which is rare.  But what I really wanted to do was share my new dress with a lover.  I know I would enjoy vamping around the living room showing it off to a fun fellow but there is no one like that in my life right now and that makes me sad.

So I vamped in front of my hallway mirror and got some great shots.  Playing around with my camera is one of the things I love to do.  I did not use my self timer this time but I have figured out how to twist around so that the camera is not in the scene with me while I pose in the mirror.  I must have taken about twenty photos and I had fun.

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Filed under Dating, Love, Photography, relationships, Sex, Uncategorized

Abandoned

In the movie Groundhog Day, Bill Murray’s character awakes every morning to the same exact day. Because of this, he is able to live each day without consequences and still wake up the next morning as if nothing happened. He eats whatever he wants, commits suicide, and is an all out jerk, yet the next morning he’s still in his bed reliving Groundhog Day all over again.

Aside from the monotony of it all, the fact that his character seems to despise Pittsburgh, living the same day over and over again doesn’t seem like the worst thing could happen a person…well, that is until said person falls in love…

Soon he does, he falls in love with Andie McDowell’s character and they have an affair. However, every morning when Murray wakes up she is gone. When he sees her that day, it is as if it never happened. She has no recollection of the event, which doesn’t say much about his performance. Just kidding, it is of course because the day has started over again as if nothing had ever happened.

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Filed under Dating, Destiny, Life Lessons

Love Isn’t Love Until You Give it Away

“Love Isn’t Love Until You Give it Away.” I saw it written on a poster at the store this morning. I probably should’ve been working, but instead I went shopping for vintage jewelry.

“Love Isn’t Love Until You Give it Away.” I just Googled it- apparently it is also the title of a Reba McEntire song.

Last night I was reading various blogs and I came across a post by Phyllis Bright Eyes. The title of the post was “Will I Recognize Love When I Find It?” Wow, good question. Most of us have grown so used to negativity and rejection that “Will I recognize love when I find it?” seems like a more than valid question. Most of us have settled for something or another, something close to love someone that our parents or friends warn us that we should not pass up. But what makes it a good thing if we have to look outside ourselves, to the voices and opinions of others, to see that it is? This is all a grand delusion, a self-deception that will fall apart in time.

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Filed under Dating, Domestic Violence, Love, relationships, Sexual Assault

My Secret Marriage

“No one is going to ask you out if they see those rings on you, Hayley.” I didn’t exactly understand my friend’s concern, as the rings were on right hand. I suppose that the gold band and diamond could easily be mistaken for some type of commitment.

“I really don’t care anymore,” I replied.  The last date I was suppose to go on did not happen. The man made tentative plans with me and we didn’t really text much after that. It was fine by me as I was losing interest and secretly hoping that he would forget about our plans and blow me off.

In my work, the work I do besides writing, I have become an expert in the study of reading people as well as energy exchange. It was because of this that I knew there was a good chance I could will it to happen: that I could cause him to blow me off.

Energy exchange is simple. Think of the relationship or friendship between two people as always adding up to 100%.

Sometimes we make friends that we just instantly click with and love to talk to until all hours of the night. Both people in this friendship are giving and receiving at the same level, a level that balances out perfectly and in the end equals up to 100%; with a 50% contribution from each party.

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Filed under Dating, Destiny, Friendship, Growth

Men in Vehicles

 

"Vehicles" Suzanne Smith 2012

Johnny Stewart in the back of his friend’s car in the early sixties is a vivid one because it was my first kiss.  Our teeth clicked.  We snuggled into the green plush seat back in that old car and sped along the back roads on the Island of Guam.  Johnny was an airman on the base where my Dad worked and he was a lifeguard at the pool on base.  I was an avid swimmer.  I am so glad he was my first kiss.  That was my first memory of men in vehicles.

Then there was a ride back from the casino to my mother’s house with a fellow in the back of another fellow’s truck.  The three of us had so much fun.  This particular evening  we were rocking and rolling around in the back of that truck and I’m thinking I am way too old to be doing this.   I didn’t want to screech to a halt in front of my mom’s house so I banged on the truck window to let me out a block away.  Disheveled, I said good night.  Mom never knew.   She didn’t know I did it another time with those two guys in her guest room where I was staying.  We were all three very quick and sly.  I could see her down the street talking to a friend.  I miss those crazy guys.  One worked for Amtrak and the other is an Artist.  It sounds like we were teens but we were all in our fifties.

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Filed under Dating, Love, Passion, Uncategorized

Being crazy was easier

Last June I started to have an unfamiliar feeling of longing. It wasn’t a fleeting feeling, it was a deep in your gut longing. The kind you can’t get rid of no matter what you do to distract yourself. I don’t think or process aloud, instead I spent a few weeks silently trying to understand what I wanted. To protect myself  from being overwhelmed with emotion, I reverted to an old behavior and crawled into bed. It’s hard to hurt yourself or anyone else if you are in bed alone.

I miss being crazy. That thought hit me recently when I realized clarity had returned. It was easier when I had blender brain and all the thoughts were scrambled. I was stuck with reality and it was worse than I realized. I have PTSD and Attachment disorder, I have labels and disorders. What a drag.

As I was lying in bed a thought attached itself to the feeling of longing, it popped into my head: I wished someone was holding me. Then the thought came again. It surprised me. The first time, I shrugged it off as weird and fleeting. The second time, I laid there and thought more about it. I tried to remember if I had ever before desired to be held but could not recall. It was years before I could accept a hug from a friend without recoiling and often it still makes me uncomfortable. I’m only comfortable hugging children. The year before I asked my eldest for a hug and then we stared at each other for a few tense moments. My mother started hugging me last year and I want to hug her, so I do, but it feels very unnatural and strange. Now all of a sudden at this age, for no reason at all, I’m longing to be held. What’s happening to me? I miss the way I didn’t feel.

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Filed under Dating, Growth, Healing, Life Lessons, Love, relationships

Communal Dystopia

“Look, I want to be honest and real with you because you deserve it sweetie… I am attracted to you and yes I want you to be mine one day if God is willing, babygirl. My wife and I would love to get to know you sweetie… You are a beautiful woman and getting to know you would be a pleasure. We, as a married couple, are seeking to have a committed serious relationship that could lead to family and children one day. We want to be upfront and real with a fine sexy beautiful goddess like yourself, sweetie, and by the way, we are new to this also, so hit us up when you have a chance ok. Take care babygirl!”

This is by far one of the oddest messages I have received via my online dating profile. Through the years, however, I have encountered many swingers. For a long time I was a waitress at a sushi bar and during that time I saw some of the craziest stuff and met some of the craziest people- these people, of course, included swingers. There was the nude photographer who offered me $50 an hour to sell my soul (aka to pose nude for his smut photography). “Well, you’re just a waitress,” he assumed, “I’m sure you could use the extra money.”  As if! This self-proclaimed “photographer” was a married man and often visited the restaurant accompanied by two other couples and his wife. They invited me to join in their “after dinner festivities” several times. I flirted with them to up my tip, but would never ever participate in an orgy (and if I did, they would certainly be my last choice of partners).

This recent message from the married couple online, wouldn’t be the first message I’ve received from a couple on the dating site that inquired about some type of group sex/ relationship arrangement. The first was from a guy who had a girlfriend but was seeking a threesome. The first time he messaged me he was upfront. The second time he messaged me, his profile no longer mentioned that he was in a relationship. I envisioned that he still was with the girl and that meeting up with him would inevitably get me jumped and possibly murdered by them both. I promptly ignored his message just like I am going to ignore the one from the married couple who wants to make their couple into a triple (that could possibly lead to “a committed serious relationship that could lead to family and children one day”).

This reminds me of the time I almost joined a commune. When I lived in Arizona, one of my best friends, who also happens to be a mega-Christian sorority girl, brought me to a place called Arcosanti. Because of my friend’s extremely conservative background, I never suspected that anything at Arcosanti was awry, being a devout Christian, she would die before she went against her Bible-given principles.

Arcosanti is an art commune of sorts that focuses on building an Earth friendly society with urban planning that focuses on sustainability (architecture that goes along with the grain of the terrain rather than dominate it). From what I gather, it is an independent community that self-governs and self-regulates (such as the Vatican). The place is gorgeous and built within the desert in a way that doesn’t seem to alter the land as it reaches towards Arcosanti’s goal of a sustainable environment.

Arcosanti Panoramic View

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Filed under Art, Dating, relationships

Promiscuity

There are some who might say that I have had way too many sexual partners in my life.  I have been tested and do not have any STD’s yet I know I have taken chances.  I think it has been a rather normal progression of people in my life and I like to think I have played it safe.  I look back at the journals I wrote during those times and I wonder what I was thinking.  I know I was imagining that this was the way to love.  My journey and documenting the stops continue to this day and I feel close to some personal truths.  My path is not for everyone but I don’t regret my life.

I had been divorced after twenty five years because the sex was terrible.  That really was the bottom line in addition to religious, personality and astrological differences.  So when I was free I went looking.  I actually found an affair while I was still married.  The Internet swept me into a world that still intrigues me.  Bruce was my first fellow and he gave me the kisses I was missing. My ex is still a fine friend but I needed more.  I found it and never looked back.

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Filed under Addiction, Art, Dating, Destiny, Dreams, Heart, Love, Passion, relationships, Sex, Uncategorized, Writing

Don’t Get Even, Get Shoes

A while back I mentioned an article I was writing about online dating. I referred to it as “online dating turned unintentional social experiment.”  I haven’t posted it yet but I will. For now, I have decided I am done with online dating. I deleted my account after getting one too many pictures of body parts I never wanted to see let alone asked for pictures of. Online dating was more like channel surfing than anything. It got to the point where I ignored 99.99% of the guys that messaged me, even the really cute ones, because I knew they were wrong for me, so why waste their time (and mine). I had been a few weeks without it -before I reopened my account this last time. Those few weeks were boring yet productive. Now what would I do with the time in between doing the other things that I usually do? I still didn’t have a boyfriend so naturally my mind gravitated to the next best thing: shoes.

Shoes that might be worth paying over $400 for...

Money cannot buy love but it can buy shoes! And I found a really great place for people on a sort of shoe budget- a shoe of the month club ran by Kimora Lee Simons. Each month you get a new pair of shoes or boots. Each month a fee of $39.95 is charged to you credit card. This price is what I would consider mid-grade. I am not someone who buys Christian Louboutins or Jimmy Choos. Even if I could light hundred dollar bills on fire without flinching, the idea of spending $400+ on a pair of shoes is kind of ridiculous…well…unless they were really, really cute shoes. Then it’s a different story. I sometimes bought shoes from Macy’s and Jessica Simpson- those were in the $100 prices range give or take $30. That was until I discovered the shoe section at my local Target and they have very nice shoes in the $30 price range. Continue reading

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Filed under Dating, Fairy Tales, Fun, Healing, Life Lessons, Love

Abusive Relationships: Break the Cycle, No More Second Chances

When I decided after my last terribly abusive relationship that I was done being abused by men, I figured making the change from dating abusive men to dating normal ones would be as easy as flicking off a light switch. My life, until that point had been so dramatic that I decided to chronicle the journey in my book, I Know Why They Call a Shell a Shell: Tales of Love Lost at Sea. I’d planned on writing about my unbelievable relationship past and then write a very happily-ever-after ending based on what I foresaw to be my sunnier dating future. Par usual, I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Though I made a conscious decision to no longer involve myself in unhealthy relationships, the rest of me still had to catch up with that thought. There really is a common personality trait in people who end up in abusive situations. A lot of these victims and future victims of abusive relationships have low self-esteem, but other personality traits can lead to this situation. Being vulnerable, too trusting, or not assertive enough can entrap you in a variety of unhealthy situations not limited to romantic, (also friendships and work-related scenarios).

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