Butterflies emerge from the darkness of the cocoon to greet the light and fly. What a feeling that must be! There is such a lightness to falling in love and to be uplifted by the attention of another person is an uplifting high full of hope and possibilities. The reality of Love is that although it will transform you, it can be quite painful.
The evolution of a love affair is a steady progression of acts and communication. It is like when a woman gives birth to a baby; she sees the power of existence it is overwhelming. The steady love that can develop over a lifetime between a mother and child is subject to all sorts of challenges. Life is not static. It evolves and swirls around us in illusions.
Not long ago, I was having an email conversation with a friend who was going through some heart ache. My friend told me her story then asked for my thoughts, but not before she apologized for whining.
“You’re not whining,” I said. “You’re hurting out loud. You have to listen to your heart on whether or not you want to continue on if this other person finishes their lesson. Listen within to what your spirit tells you is good for you, don’t listen to your desires. Listen to what will be Good For Your Soul.”
Have you noticed that there is a certain abandon to someone who lives outside the box? I have always enjoyed the characters of this world and the relationships I have had with the crazy ones involve mind blowing sex. There is something about someone who can let loose of the norms of society and give their all to passion that ignites a spark in me. People who are sane and able to sustain life in a normal manner usually do not turn me on.
It takes a leap of faith to jump into a sexual relationship. So many people are afraid of that intensity. Isn’t that why we are in these bodies? Aren’t we here to enjoy these pleasures? The monks of the world would tell me that the spiritual bliss they experience with their meditation is a hundred times as powerful as lowly sex. I beg to differ. The joy of two bodies coming together trumps all in my book and if that means I’m crazy then so be it.
Having a drink and transcending this reality is a sign that you are close to the edge. Taking a hike up a dangerous mountain so that you can jump off it with a para-glider is crazy. But can you imagine the thrill? Having an art show in the center of the city or publishing a novel that the whole world will read is a high that can’t be imagined. Hard work will make you high. Crazy to give it all up for fame and fortune. Crazy to want to lay in bed with someone who can give you intense pleasure. Crazy does it good.
I was driving home this morning from an appointment and I was feeling kind of sad. Lately things just don’t seem to be going my way and I find little happiness in my day to day affairs. In my head as I drove, I asked God to help me and then I looked up and there was one of those billboards with a Bible verse on it glaring back at me “My power works best in weakness.” I read it and reread it. What was that suppose to mean? Was this some kind of riddle?
I was really having trouble understanding what it meant and even after Googling the verse I lacked further clarification. My power works best in weakness? I suppose it means that at your weakest point is when you need to be the strongest. That this is the time to sink or swim- will you pull yourself out of the metaphorical gutter or just waste away? I have pulled myself out of a lot of gutters, for sure. I continue to do so on most days even my worst ones. I have done it so many times that I have become self reliant- maybe too self reliant. I do not trust nor depend on other people. After being let down time and time again, I learned that trust is not something I should exercise with anyone. Even with my closest friends and family it is difficult for me. So instead of a trusting person, I have become a more do- it-yourself-take-charge person. This does not work when trying to relate to other people, however.
In the movie Groundhog Day, Bill Murray’s character awakes every morning to the same exact day. Because of this, he is able to live each day without consequences and still wake up the next morning as if nothing happened. He eats whatever he wants, commits suicide, and is an all out jerk, yet the next morning he’s still in his bed reliving Groundhog Day all over again.
Aside from the monotony of it all, the fact that his character seems to despise Pittsburgh, living the same day over and over again doesn’t seem like the worst thing could happen a person…well, that is until said person falls in love…
Soon he does, he falls in love with Andie McDowell’s character and they have an affair. However, every morning when Murray wakes up she is gone. When he sees her that day, it is as if it never happened. She has no recollection of the event, which doesn’t say much about his performance. Just kidding, it is of course because the day has started over again as if nothing had ever happened.
“No one is going to ask you out if they see those rings on you, Hayley.” I didn’t exactly understand my friend’s concern, as the rings were on right hand. I suppose that the gold band and diamond could easily be mistaken for some type of commitment.
“I really don’t care anymore,” I replied. The last date I was suppose to go on did not happen. The man made tentative plans with me and we didn’t really text much after that. It was fine by me as I was losing interest and secretly hoping that he would forget about our plans and blow me off.
In my work, the work I do besides writing, I have become an expert in the study of reading people as well as energy exchange. It was because of this that I knew there was a good chance I could will it to happen: that I could cause him to blow me off.
Energy exchange is simple. Think of the relationship or friendship between two people as always adding up to 100%.
Sometimes we make friends that we just instantly click with and love to talk to until all hours of the night. Both people in this friendship are giving and receiving at the same level, a level that balances out perfectly and in the end equals up to 100%; with a 50% contribution from each party.
There are some who might say that I have had way too many sexual partners in my life. I have been tested and do not have any STD’s, yet I know I have taken chances. I think it has been a rather normal progression of people in my life and I like to think I have played it safe. I look back at the journals I wrote during those times and I wonder what I was thinking. I know I was imagining that this was the way to love. My journey and documenting the stops continue to this day and I feel close to some personal truths. My path is not for everyone but I don’t regret my life.
I had been divorced after twenty five years because the sex was terrible. That really was the bottom line in addition to religious, personality and astrological differences. So when I was free I went looking. I actually found an affair while I was still married. The Internet swept me into a world that still intrigues me. Bruce was my first fellow and he gave me the kisses I was missing. My ex is still a fine friend but I needed more. I found it and never looked back.
Filed under Addiction, Art, Dating, Destiny, Dreams, Heart, Love, Passion, relationships, Sex, Uncategorized, Writing
I remember standing by the window in the parlor looking at the evening sky in the Blue Hour. It was the winter of our first year and I loved standing in the empty room watching the colors change before my eyes. I never noticed in L.A. or San Francisco, was I too busy, too young, was it smog? What the hell was I doing in middle of nowhere Minnesotain winter on a farm, broke, bruised, tired and so damned cold. Memories that flash like photographs, still frames of my life that suddenly become a movie in my mind.
That day the snow was different, it looked like whitecaps on the ocean from the wind, the sun had warmed the top then nights froze the waves in place. There was a crust and I’d gone out to walk on it earlier, to feel it crunch and see how far I sank. God how you laughed at me, sinking thigh deep and struggling, the stubborn woman who wouldn’t turn back. Get it while I can, enjoy what I have, this new world and life I chose with you. I’m cold and tired but I have a new world. No, we have it.
Like the nights I had off in summer and fall when the colors soften and change, the birds settle in and the world gets quiet, I waited to watch that unbroken ocean of white. There were so few nights off during the Holidays but this night I had my time and my sights, I’m a watcher and magic is free. Slowly the night turned Indigo, deep, heavy purple-blue and the world was still early, no voices, no birds, no tires on the highway. Finally the yard light came on and I saw it, the ground sparkling everywhere I looked. It was as if someone had thrown millions of diamonds across the acre of lawn. It took my breath away and I stayed standing in the dark room, I didn’t want to look away.
A quick note about Whitney Houston
So many people look at Whitney Houston and other rich and famous celebrities like Lindsay Lohan with disdain. How could someone so beautiful and talented throw it all away? They wonder. They are so ungrateful, they say. It is easy to jump on this hate filled bandwagon, as gossip and trashing the lives of those more rich and famous than ourselves seems to be part of the American culture, but step away and look at the big picture. Did Whitney Houston really have it all? Beauty? yes. Talent? Yes. Money? Yes. Health? No.
These women, like many other people in and out of the spotlight are suffering from a debilitating mental illness called addiction. Addiction can rob you of your life for years and still not kill you. People like Lindsay Lohan and Whitney Houston haven’t been themselves for decade(s). From the outside, the fix looks obvious, but from the inside, every waking moment and even the most simple of tasks is like hard labor. For them, what you and I would call life is thought of as the time spent in between getting a fix.
While the unaddicted are whole (think 100%), the addicted are working with a deficit, a void they will spend years trying to fill with all the wrong things and people. People blame Bobby Brown for introducing Whitney into a world of drugs. This isn’t entirely accurate. He may have introduced her to drugs, but the void was already there before he came around. He didn’t make her susceptible, she already was. She was too weak to say no to a drama filled relationship with him in favor of looking out for her own best interest and too weak to say no to drugs as well. But why? Quite simply, it all comes down to self-esteem. Around the time Bobby Brown came into her life, she was already a pretty big deal. Everyone thought the world of her and maybe she didn’t believe it. Maybe she was too humble to accept this adoration, maybe there was a little voice inside of her screaming that she wasn’t perfect like everyone thought she was, and maybe just maybe she decided she needed to prove it. Doing so would certainly take some of the pressure off. So even without him it is likely that she would’ve found her way to this type of lifestyle eventually.
It is an unfortunate story with a tragic ending but even astronomical scientists have observed that it is often the biggest and brightest of stars that burn out the fastest.
If something is meant to be will it happen? I imagine this is a very ancient question- in fact, right now I am picturing Socrates in a toga pondering this one. Does anybody know for sure? We can only take examples from our lives and string them together to formulate our answer. Thinking back on my life I can certainly think of examples of when something was not meant to be.
A friend hooked me up with a guy she knew. We had never met face to face but I already knew what he looked like half naked because he was one of the firemen in our local city’s classy Firefighter’s Calendar. Anyways, we hadn’t yet met up, but we spoke on the phone a few times. His predominate method of contacting me was through texting. Oh, the faux pas that texting can create….The story your about to hear makes me want to implement a no texting rule, for my own safety as well as the safety of others, however, it would be best if I just threw my phone out because I’ve definitely made a fool of myself through what we know to be more traditional dialing methods.