I inhabit a virtual universe called Second Life where you create a very life-like avatar, own land, create art, go to concerts, meet people from all over the world and have love affairs. I have been on the site since 2006. I feel like I really do have a Second Life. What’s strange is I can feel just as lonely in Second Life as I do in my First Life. Tonight when I came home I missed my deceased boyfriend, looked at my bleak email and facebook lists and then went on the website Second Life and had the same feelings.
My boyfriend and I used to each have avatars in Second Life. His avatar had marijuana wings and Jamaican dreadlock hair. He never really had the imagination to play as much as I do in Second Life, but we had some fun times together there and he met some of my friends there. He even met one of my boyfriends from Second Life in real life when he came to San Diego in his plane and we met him for lunch at the little airport near our house. My boyfriend used to be a pilot too.
The connections in cyberspace can make life feel less lonely too. It enables me to live alone and be creative and still have contact with other people in a quiet non intrusive way. People in real life tend to me messy and loud. It is nice to have friends in the computer who are there when you need them and quiet when you don’t.
The emotional attachments to other people’s avatars can be very real and intense. Meeting someone at a bar in Second Life or through online friends is just as exhilarating there as it is in real life. The sexual attraction to someone can be instantaneous or build over time. There is any kind of sensual pleasure you can imagine in Second Life. Some people choose to have avatars who are beautiful tigers that lay around in a pack and talk to each other, snooze and preen. I know lairs of dragons and clubs of Shemales. In Second Life there is an adult section, a teen part and a general part, but when I joined in 2006 everything was blended together.
Back in 2006, when I started, casinos were legal in Second Life and so many people were at those sites they would crash the sims. There are still plenty of game areas and there are simulated warrior battles too. There is a strong vampire community in Second Life and many Gorean based groups. The Steampunkers are an imaginative bunch and I love to play with the mermaids and explore their underwater sites.
March 20, 2011
“I am just a poor boy but my story’s seldom told, I have squandered my resistance for a pocket full of mumbles such are promises”
I am writing because I have failed again at something that just a few days ago I viewed as important. For the last two years I have tried my hand at so any different things, all bohemian. These endeavors have brought me little success and even less money. So why do I keep trying when every door I open is violently slammed in my face?
“Asking only workman’s wages I come looking for a job, but I get no offers,”
I think it’s pretty indisputable that Britney Spears has a few mental issues. It doesn’t get in the way of relationships as the star is almost on her third marriage. Well… maybe it does get in the way of relationships, but it doesn’t keep men from pursuing her. Do not attribute it to her being rich or pretty. When I worked in the school system, one of the other teachers told me about a woman she tutored at a local community college. The woman has multiple personalities, and she put stress on the world multiple. As I listened to the story, I couldn’t help but wonder how, with my one personality, I was still single, while the woman with multiple ones was happily married. Not trying to sound judgmental, I seriously began to wonder what exactly was wrong with me… She went on to describe the gamut of emotional issues this woman had and all the things her husband dealt with. He was very patient, she said.
After breaking up with my last boyfriend and a year of online dating on and off I put up one last profile in which I declared that I was “Looking for a miracle.” I certainly got some interesting responses. One guy sent me a message that read, “Miracle huh? Are you really that bad?” This made me laugh but at the same time made me wonder… Was I?
It’s safe to say everybody has issues and there I was back on the couch with a new domestic violence counselor. It was extremely humbling this time around, because when I surveyed her bookshelf, I recognized the names of many acquaintances from the writing world… But there I was, again. And why?
Butterflies emerge from the darkness of the cocoon to greet the light and fly. What a feeling that must be! There is such a lightness to falling in love and to be uplifted by the attention of another person is an uplifting high full of hope and possibilities. The reality of Love is that although it will transform you, it can be quite painful.
The evolution of a love affair is a steady progression of acts and communication. It is like when a woman gives birth to a baby; she sees the power of existence it is overwhelming. The steady love that can develop over a lifetime between a mother and child is subject to all sorts of challenges. Life is not static. It evolves and swirls around us in illusions.
I remember the first day I babysat Melanie. I was in college and a local family hired me to watch her four days a week. Things went really well during the initial consultation. The meeting was arranged to see if she liked me. I did her nails and then we did a puzzle. She did like me, of course, and there I was again the next Monday morning. We waved from the window as her mother drove off. This job is going to be so easy, I remember thinking… And then as soon as her mother’s car was out of site, she burst out screaming and crying. She was only four years old at the time and I was too ignorant to realize that four year olds are essentially the emotional equivalent of year old babies.
My eyes bugged out of my head. I stared at her unsure of what to do. I grew up as an only child and lived a extremely solitary existence for most of my young and adult life. I had minimal experience with children up until that point. Thankfully an inkling of maternal instinct kicked in. I picked her up and soothed her until she stopped crying.
Yesterday was my dog’s birthday. Well, it would’ve been. I know I have told this story a million times but hear me out. I had always wanted a little girl dog. My parents took me to a farm. When we pulled up to it, you could see a small play pen in the yard holding three little white puppies. We got out of the car and the lady asked me to help her carry one of the puppies. She handed me one and when it looked into my eyes, for some reason I knew that this was the only dog for me. But it was a boy dog and I wanted a girl… I debated. I knew that if I didn’t pick this puppy, based on whatever it was I saw in his eyes and him in mine, that I would regret it for the rest of my life. I am glad I listened to my heart that day.
I was so tired Saturday morning. QT Pie had been sick that night and I must’ve taken him outside five times. Well actually that could describe every night that week, him waking me up to take him outside five times… or maybe for the last month, I have lost track. He was starting to get antsy again. I woke up and looked at him. He was staring at me. More like gazing, a loving gaze, really.
When I found out he had renal failure, a month or two earlier, I spent the night alone crying in the living room. He soon appeared out of nowhere to comfort me like he always had. This of course made me even more upset. Whenever I cried, since I first got him as a 12- year old child, he would lick the tears off of my face and lay down next to me until I felt better.
“No one is going to ask you out if they see those rings on you, Hayley.” I didn’t exactly understand my friend’s concern, as the rings were on right hand. I suppose that the gold band and diamond could easily be mistaken for some type of commitment.
“I really don’t care anymore,” I replied. The last date I was suppose to go on did not happen. The man made tentative plans with me and we didn’t really text much after that. It was fine by me as I was losing interest and secretly hoping that he would forget about our plans and blow me off.
In my work, the work I do besides writing, I have become an expert in the study of reading people as well as energy exchange. It was because of this that I knew there was a good chance I could will it to happen: that I could cause him to blow me off.
Energy exchange is simple. Think of the relationship or friendship between two people as always adding up to 100%.
Sometimes we make friends that we just instantly click with and love to talk to until all hours of the night. Both people in this friendship are giving and receiving at the same level, a level that balances out perfectly and in the end equals up to 100%; with a 50% contribution from each party.
Life after the house fire became like the movie Groundhog Day. Every day was the same and I could not see any light at the end of the tunnel. I had no family to call and vent my grief as the only member still alive was my sister. Through constant interference not of our own doing we had not spoken in a few years. I just couldn’t seem to pick up the phone and make the first move because I was stupid.
Life was filled with menial things like picking out wallpaper and hand painting a lot of trim. The firemen had given us a couple of boxes that were decorated like Christmas presents. They had not wanted the kids to be upset so they had wrapped up the perished pets as gifts. Since it was in the dead of winter I could not bury them so I made a tiny raft and sent them down the river.
The last pet standing was Snoopy who was an emotional mess and he now slept his life away. The dog knew things were out of his control like I did and had lost his friends in the fire so he literally gave up. I would go upstairs every few hours and coax him down to eat or go outside. But most of the time I just hugged him and cried.
QT Pie and his QT Pie stuffed animal
So today QT Pie and I took a trip to the holistic vet. QT Pie has been receiving subcutaneous fluids and is taking a prescription, but after two weeks of administering both, his numbers have got worse. My regular vet said that he couldn’t really give me anything else for him. I scoured the internet and found a few supplements that sounded acceptable. After speaking to the vet on Thursday, I was preparing for the worst, then my father told me about a friend who took their dog to a holistic vet in the area. His friend’s dog was a bichon (like QT Pie). The dog had a tumor on her heart and was turned away by regular vets, “There’s nothing more we can do.” This woman didn’t seem to want to accept “no” for answer, so she took her dog to the holistic vet who prescribed her some magical potions (or something close to it) and the dog miraculously lived to be twenty years old. That is well past the life expectancy of bichons and dogs in general.
It has been a very stressful last several months for me. Care taking for others has been taking its toll on me and now I get some very sad news.
When I was a child I had a stuffed animal. I held onto it so much that eventually, it began to fall apart. There was only so much my grandmother could do to patch it back together. There was many a leg-transplant and arm transplant. And the patches she made couldn’t sustain the continuous amount of holes that kept cropping up. One day I retired it, I was too old and it was also too old. It was a sad day nonetheless.
My old pal Sandy- or what now can only be described as a rag doll