Category Archives: Journal

Suicide- Inner Voices that Carry

I awoke from a deep medicated sleep by voices laughing behind the hospital curtain. The nurses were chatting at their desk and I silently wondered if I knew any of them that might come in and give me a kind word. Suddenly I heard the voice of my former obstetrician and remained quiet hoping she would not know I was there. Hearing her footsteps fade into the distance I suddenly ached for her to be by my side to reassure me that everything would be okay. I longed to see her smile or even hear words of anger that attempting to take your life was not something you should do.
 Seeing the light of the moon cast its glare on the floor I knew that I would have to relive this day for the rest of my life. How many times had I done this and how many more times would I want to do it again? I felt my still tear-stained cheeks and knew that the hours of crying had not helped. This time it had been close; so close that I could taste it. Death had called out to me to be his friend and my stupidity had left me still standing on the other side with the living.


Filed under Growth, Journal, Life Lessons

Literature From Hell Part Deux: Ethan Frome Edition


If you’ve been following my blog, you must know about my longstanding aversion to Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness. The fact that I was forced to read Heart of Darkness over ten times and write even more papers about it— gives the book’s title more meaning and as the author, make’s Conrad’s inspiration for the title pretty obvious to me. If I made a list entitled “Hayley Rose’s Least-Favorite-Most-Hated Literature of All Time,” though Heart of Darkness would surely dominate it, I can say with assurance that it would have company, ahem, Ethan Frome.

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Filed under Fiction, Journal

My Book is Here!

Late this afternoon my book should be available for download on Amazon. I’m sorry about the delay- I will post an article about that later. Coming soon: a hard copy edition. In the meantime, here is the book’s synopsis:

Told through the lens of the sea, each of the book’s five sections chronicle the main character’s journey away from tumultuous love affairs by weaving stories of her past with stories from literature, music, and visual art of both modern and classical significance.

After nearly being murdered by a boyfriend, Hayley promises herself that she will never let a man abuse her again. She figures that making this change, from dating abusive men to normal ones, should be as easy as flicking off a light switch, but soon finds that even after she’s made the conscious decision to no longer involve herself in unhealthy relationships, the rest of her has yet to catch up with that thought. Still caught up in the dramaturgy of her relationships’ past, she sets off on an emotional voyage to discover how she ended up on the shores of coastal New England.


Filed under By the Sea, Journal, Writing

The Love of My Life Has Renal Failure

It has been a very stressful last several months for me. Care taking for others has been taking its toll on me and now I get some very sad news.

When I was a child I had a stuffed animal. I held onto it so much that eventually, it began to fall apart. There was only so much my grandmother could do to patch it back together. There was many a leg-transplant and arm transplant. And the patches she made couldn’t sustain the continuous amount of holes that kept cropping up. One day I retired it, I was too old and it was also too old. It was a sad day nonetheless.

My old pal Sandy- or what now can only be described as a rag doll

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Filed under Friendship, Growth, Healing, Heart, Inspirational, Journal, Life Lessons, Love

The Killing Fields and My Brush with Death in Texas

This morning on the news I heard about a movie called, “The Killing Fields.” It is based on a string of unsolved murders around Interstate 45 southeast of Houston Texas. The killer and possible killers target young women and girls however, after a bit of research there is suspected 12 different serial killers in the entire Houston vicinity, not just I-45. In fact, there have been 200 unsolved murders of girls in the area since 1971. I don’t usually write about this kind of thing, but when I was in college I went on a road trip with my boyfriend. It started out fun and then things got really scary one night when we stopped in a campground a few hours west of Houston off of I-10. Below is an excerpt from the journal I kept during the trip:

Texas, Hayley Rose 2008


The Devil’s Triangle

Road Trip Day 13, 14, 15

June 15, 2008

I don’t understand why I have this strange hobby of walking around cities drunk. Maybe I’m immature, maybe I have a drinking problem, or maybe it’s a little bit of both.

New Orleans was really the most welcoming place for this type of behavior, but I tend to do it anywhere. Towards midnight, the stench of vomit wafted through the air infrequently as we walked block to block. It was pretty disgusting, but on Rue Bourbon we quickly realized that it’s legal to walk around and drink alcoholic beverages, so I guess it must also be legal to vomit on the sidewalk.

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Filed under Journal, Life Lessons, News, Traveling