I have been on a few more Huff Post Live segments since I last wrote blogged, however, the following link is to only one of those shows. I thought if you saw any of them, you should see this very special one which features the brilliant Dr. Deepak Chopra
A nice dinner and a little walk primes my pump for a kiss. When you meet someone on the internet you already know quite a bit about them and you like them. So the face to face meeting is a little different from meeting for the first time and kissing. I have had four kisses in parking lots this past year and they were all very good and led to absolutely nothing.
Joe looked like a great prospect because he reminded me of my old boyfriend. We had Mexican Food and talked about his service in Vietnam. He knew things. His job was intense now and he was still part of an operational team that was focused and severe except now he was selling commercial kitchen fixtures. I liked his bravery and as we walked around the block I told him he was lucky to have survived.
“I just know how to run fast.” That is what I liked to hear. He wasn’t out to do anyone harm while he sidestepped thru the puddles and over the curbs nicely. We held hands and I felt safe with him as the evening drew to a close and he walked me back to my truck. When we kissed it was strong and satisfying. I touched him and he invited me back to his place. It was very tempting. He lived just a few blocks away. But I zoomed off in my truck and never saw him again. I was glad I hadn’t slept with him and never heard from him. Apparently he was one of those fellows who is just too busy being part of a team to see the value of one little lady’s attention.
I inhabit a virtual universe called Second Life where you create a very life-like avatar, own land, create art, go to concerts, meet people from all over the world and have love affairs. I have been on the site since 2006. I feel like I really do have a Second Life. What’s strange is I can feel just as lonely in Second Life as I do in my First Life. Tonight when I came home I missed my deceased boyfriend, looked at my bleak email and facebook lists and then went on the website Second Life and had the same feelings.
My boyfriend and I used to each have avatars in Second Life. His avatar had marijuana wings and Jamaican dreadlock hair. He never really had the imagination to play as much as I do in Second Life, but we had some fun times together there and he met some of my friends there. He even met one of my boyfriends from Second Life in real life when he came to San Diego in his plane and we met him for lunch at the little airport near our house. My boyfriend used to be a pilot too.
The connections in cyberspace can make life feel less lonely too. It enables me to live alone and be creative and still have contact with other people in a quiet non intrusive way. People in real life tend to me messy and loud. It is nice to have friends in the computer who are there when you need them and quiet when you don’t.
The emotional attachments to other people’s avatars can be very real and intense. Meeting someone at a bar in Second Life or through online friends is just as exhilarating there as it is in real life. The sexual attraction to someone can be instantaneous or build over time. There is any kind of sensual pleasure you can imagine in Second Life. Some people choose to have avatars who are beautiful tigers that lay around in a pack and talk to each other, snooze and preen. I know lairs of dragons and clubs of Shemales. In Second Life there is an adult section, a teen part and a general part, but when I joined in 2006 everything was blended together.
Back in 2006, when I started, casinos were legal in Second Life and so many people were at those sites they would crash the sims. There are still plenty of game areas and there are simulated warrior battles too. There is a strong vampire community in Second Life and many Gorean based groups. The Steampunkers are an imaginative bunch and I love to play with the mermaids and explore their underwater sites.
I think it’s pretty indisputable that Britney Spears has a few mental issues. It doesn’t get in the way of relationships as the star is almost on her third marriage. Well… maybe it does get in the way of relationships, but it doesn’t keep men from pursuing her. Do not attribute it to her being rich or pretty. When I worked in the school system, one of the other teachers told me about a woman she tutored at a local community college. The woman has multiple personalities, and she put stress on the world multiple. As I listened to the story, I couldn’t help but wonder how, with my one personality, I was still single, while the woman with multiple ones was happily married. Not trying to sound judgmental, I seriously began to wonder what exactly was wrong with me… She went on to describe the gamut of emotional issues this woman had and all the things her husband dealt with. He was very patient, she said.
After breaking up with my last boyfriend and a year of online dating on and off I put up one last profile in which I declared that I was “Looking for a miracle.” I certainly got some interesting responses. One guy sent me a message that read, “Miracle huh? Are you really that bad?” This made me laugh but at the same time made me wonder… Was I?
It’s safe to say everybody has issues and there I was back on the couch with a new domestic violence counselor. It was extremely humbling this time around, because when I surveyed her bookshelf, I recognized the names of many acquaintances from the writing world… But there I was, again. And why?
After watching one too many Good Morning America interviews, my mother came to the conclusion “Hayley, you’re just like Taylor Swift.” Outright sounded like a compliment as Taylor Swift is pretty, talented and rich, but it wasn’t. She meant that I was just like Taylor Swift in the sense that I too keep getting my heart broken and dumped by guys though, like Taylor Swift, I too am somewhat talented and successful (on a much smaller scale of course 😉 ). The similarities are endless because like Taylor Swift, my “art” is inspired by my life. What would I write about if I didn’t have so many dating horror stories? And why do people like me and Taylor Swift keep getting dumped? The answer lies within the heart chakra.
Butterflies emerge from the darkness of the cocoon to greet the light and fly. What a feeling that must be! There is such a lightness to falling in love and to be uplifted by the attention of another person is an uplifting high full of hope and possibilities. The reality of Love is that although it will transform you, it can be quite painful.
The evolution of a love affair is a steady progression of acts and communication. It is like when a woman gives birth to a baby; she sees the power of existence it is overwhelming. The steady love that can develop over a lifetime between a mother and child is subject to all sorts of challenges. Life is not static. It evolves and swirls around us in illusions.
Since I am writing here about sexual feelings and the idea of finding love in this world the feeling of loneliness seems to be a big part of our search for happiness. When you are finally quiet at the end of the day and go to bed alone what do you think of? What stories do you tell yourself and what are your intimate moments like?
My mother says she is never depressed or lonely. Many people who live alone claim to enjoy it and being part of a couple is trouble sometimes. Being alone is easier than dealing with someone who stirs emotions that are not all positive. But even lone wolves living in the vast wilderness of Alaska are always on the look out for others. Lonely can make you crazy after awhile.
I think everyone feels lonely sometimes but it passes. That must be what my mother means. It isn’t so much that the Blues don’t find her it is that she moves on quickly and never gives up. She appreciates living alone for the first time in her life. I do too. But I am lonely unless I have a guy I like to talk to on the internet or on the phone and the hope that I could be part of a couple again.
Not long ago, I was having an email conversation with a friend who was going through some heart ache. My friend told me her story then asked for my thoughts, but not before she apologized for whining.
“You’re not whining,” I said. “You’re hurting out loud. You have to listen to your heart on whether or not you want to continue on if this other person finishes their lesson. Listen within to what your spirit tells you is good for you, don’t listen to your desires. Listen to what will be Good For Your Soul.”
Have you noticed that there is a certain abandon to someone who lives outside the box? I have always enjoyed the characters of this world and the relationships I have had with the crazy ones involve mind blowing sex. There is something about someone who can let loose of the norms of society and give their all to passion that ignites a spark in me. People who are sane and able to sustain life in a normal manner usually do not turn me on.
It takes a leap of faith to jump into a sexual relationship. So many people are afraid of that intensity. Isn’t that why we are in these bodies? Aren’t we here to enjoy these pleasures? The monks of the world would tell me that the spiritual bliss they experience with their meditation is a hundred times as powerful as lowly sex. I beg to differ. The joy of two bodies coming together trumps all in my book and if that means I’m crazy then so be it.
Having a drink and transcending this reality is a sign that you are close to the edge. Taking a hike up a dangerous mountain so that you can jump off it with a para-glider is crazy. But can you imagine the thrill? Having an art show in the center of the city or publishing a novel that the whole world will read is a high that can’t be imagined. Hard work will make you high. Crazy to give it all up for fame and fortune. Crazy to want to lay in bed with someone who can give you intense pleasure. Crazy does it good.