Category Archives: relationships

Downplaying Abuse

The after the arrest, Emma Roberts cries in battered boyfriend's arms

Only July 7th, 2013, Emma Roberts (niece of Julia) was taken into custody for beating up her boyfriend. The boyfriend, Evan Peters, was found with a bloody nose and alleged bite marks. Not long after, Emma Roberts publicists went into overdrive downplaying the incident.

“It was an unfortunate incident and misunderstanding,” Emma’s reps told Entertainment Tonight.

“Ms Roberts was released after questioning and the couple are working together to move past it.”

This was not an unfortunate incident or a misunderstanding. Bite marks and a bloody nose? That’s pretty brutal.

This is not something that can be “worked past.” This is something that will only get worse. Usually in abusive relationships, violence and abuse escalate over time. Her publicists attempt to play it off as a random and unfortunate incident is pretty weak.  The fact that the abuse was so severe- that she punched him in the face- says that the escalation of violence in this relationship has already reached a very dangerous level. You can bet money on it that this is not the first time nor will it be the last.

Most incidents of domestic violence are not reported and this one wouldn’t have been reported if someone in a neighboring hotel room hadn’t called it in. The press got a picture of Emma the next morning sobbing in her boyfriend’s arms. Is she crying because she’s sorry she hurt her boyfriend? Or is she’s crying because she got caught?

“Emma is very dramatic,” one source said. “They will not break up. When they are good, they are crazy in love.” When they are good? And when they are bad she unleashes her inner Chris Brown?

The way sources and her publicists tried to downplay this incident is scary. This person needs some serious help, though it is pretty unlikely that help would actually help. Abusers don’t reform. In fact, there are literally no statistics regarding such a thing. None. Nada. The best bet here would be for the boyfriend to leave, but he likely won’t do that either (they are still together after the incident became public). It usually takes a victim seven attempts to leave before they step away from an abusive relationship for good. Seven times! From what I’ve seen, I suspect it is an even higher number than seven…

It’s horrible that her publicists are downplaying this abuse. Domestic violence is typically “downplayed” by the abuser to begin with. Outside sources doing the same only enable and uphold the violent behavior. There is a lot of secrecy and brainwashing involved in an abusive relationship. Often the victim does not realize they are being abused because the hierarchy of the relationship is a tyranny in where he or she is being brainwashed and oppressed by the abuser.

Abusers are so sly that when confronted or questioned by the victim the abuser minimizes and denies his or her actions. This is a term referred to as “crazy making” where an abuser will flat out deny an action that the victim knows happened. As ridiculous as it sounds, crazy making confuses the already disoriented victim more causing he or she to question his or her own sanity. The confusion and belief in the abusers minimizing, crazy making and lies happens because there are usually no witnesses. Abusers are cagey like that and can be extremely charming and nice around the victim’s friends and relatives. So nice that sometimes the family doesn’t believe the victim or downplays the victims role as a victim— maybe they are over reacting or being too sensitive…

What do you think? Do you think it’s wrong that the publicists are downplaying this incident?

2 Comments

Filed under Domestic Violence, relationships

The Royal Baby Blues

I have the Royal Baby Blues. Yesterday, my mother and I tearfully watched the appearance of this new born royal on the public stage. Why am I crying? I wondered. An easy question to answer. In my brain I was calculating that Kate dated William for six years before they got married and had this baby. I am single and the last few years of my dating life has felt like I’ve been a stumbling zombie going bar to bar through some mediocre pub crawl. Sure it got me out of the house, but was it worth it?

Age is a factor. My fear of being single forever has really kicked into high gear in the last year as Prince Charming continues to elude me. I’m back at the pub crawl, I can’t just sit there and enjoy a beer as we go from bar to bar. I’m slamming down shots. I have an objective. I know what I want in the end and I am trying to get there as soon as possible. I no longer feel like time is on my side. I don’t have time for guys who want to “take things slow” because their idea of taking things slow still entails sex, companionship, and getting together yet no commitment. That was cool when I was 22 and the idea of marriage literally made me nauseous, but I’m not 22 anymore. Unlike what their packing, my eggs cannot live forever.

I never really wanted children. I was all about the career. I’m a career woman! I wrote a book! I have awards! I have all those things, but try cuddling up with a book each and every night alone. I’m starting to hate reading. I am thinking realistically. It is not that I want children, but I want the option to have them if I decide to want them and with no steady relationship in sight, it is scary that I don’t even have the possibility.

Well, it’s another day at the office. I am slamming perv guys who are emailing me on Plenty of Fish in between finishing up my work. One guy messaged “when are we gonna sweat together.” At this point I have no expectations, but I was curious if he was truly just being a perv.

“Sweat together? Where?” I asked, giving him plenty of rope to hang himself.

“Go hiking or something over near me,” well the guy lives the next state over. If he thinks I am driving to see him he is crazy. And a hike for a first date? Not only dangerous, but cheap. I have had it. It takes me over an hour to get ready for any date. I am a beautiful perfectionist and I will not look better than my best when I go out and time after time I spent hours getting ready to end up on a date where the guy doesn’t even want to pick up the tab for a $2 coffee. I have become an expert at screening them ahead of time and not even bothering.

“Something near u?” I innocently asked, ready to come in for the kill.

“What do u recommend?” he responded.

“Not going hiking on a first date.”

He then suggested coffee. Aw how thoughtful.

I am too busy and certainly not bored enough to drive a half hour across town to meet this fool for Dunkin Donuts. I would rather stay at my desk writing and pop in another Keurig than bother. It’s not about money it’s about effort and objective. At this point I would refuse the ritziest offer if I sensed it would not be going anywhere. I will just spend my time doing what has got me the farthest (work) and let the relationship chips fall where they may. You never know how your luck can change. So I beg the question: can you relate? Please share in the comments section.

So about that royal baby. Good for them. And for me, I will stay optimistic. You never know, maybe I will just find a baby like in The Hangover?

Stu Price: So, uh, are you sure you’re qualified to be taking care of that baby?
Alan Garner: What are you talking about? I’ve found a baby before.
Stu Price: You found a baby before? Where?
Alan Garner: Coffee Bean.

 

 

1 Comment

Filed under Dating, relationships, Uncategorized

He Said He Loved Me: the Psychology Behind Intimate Partner Violence

Understanding the motives and actions of an abuser is often difficult and confusing for a  victim to comprehend. How could he say he loved me, share a roof with me, and children with me yet hate me so much? Many women and men find themselves pondering this question because even when the relationship ends there are a multitude of questions left unanswered.

When I was a teenager I went out with a guy who was the classic abusive boyfriend in every way. He tried to dictate who I spent my time with, didn’t like any of my friends or family, and tried to isolate me from them. Although he didn’t want me to be around any of them it seemed that he didn’t want to be around me either.

Ten years later I met up with him again. Enough time had passed for me to start to see the relationship in a different light. I thought mainly of the good times and romanticized the whole thing. And somewhere along those daydreams I started to believe that he really had loved me.

So we started communicating again and one night we met up. That night he tried to sleep with me. I politely declined. The next day after exchanging a text or two I never heard from him again. I was devastated. How could he have no feelings for me? How could he have said he loved me, then years later not even like me? He wasn’t even considerate enough to answer my last text message.

When I realized he had cut me off and that I was never going to hear from him again it felt like I’d gotten hit by a truck. It was soon after that that I had the realization that he never loved me. He hadn’t even liked me.

Continue reading

5 Comments

Filed under Domestic Violence, relationships

The Appeal of the Bad Boy and How Women Get Sucked In

In 2011, I remember coming across this headline: “Why Did Kat Von D Tattoo Jesse James’ Face on Her Body?” Wow, good question! Von D  swore she’d never laser that baby off, but as of December 2012 she has started the removal process. It is not that simple. It is reported that it will take “anywhere from five to 15 laser sessions, with eight weeks of healing time in between.”  That sounds about right, because when you date a bad boy, it will take just as long or maybe longer to get him out of your heart…

When I was done rolling my eyes at the headline, I was compelled to read the article. I could not help but wonder how a talented and well-known tattoo artist like Kat Von D walk right into this? You are never suppose to tattoo the name or the likeness of a lover on your body! She’s a professional tattoo artist. She should know about the curse!

Continue reading

3 Comments

Filed under relationships, Women

Lonely in Cyberspace

I inhabit a virtual universe called Second Life where you create a very life-like avatar, own land, create art, go to concerts, meet people from all over the world and have love affairs.  I have been on the site since 2006.  I feel like I really do have a Second Life. What’s strange is I can feel just as lonely in Second Life as I do in my First Life.  Tonight when I came home I missed my deceased boyfriend, looked at my bleak email and facebook lists and then went on the website Second Life and had the same feelings.


My boyfriend and I used to each have avatars in Second Life.  His avatar had marijuana wings and Jamaican dreadlock hair.  He never really had the imagination to play as much as I do in Second Life, but we had some fun times together there and he met some of my friends there.  He even met one of my boyfriends from Second Life in real life when he came to San Diego in his plane and we met him for lunch at the little airport near our house.  My boyfriend used to be a pilot too.

The connections in cyberspace can make life feel less lonely too. It enables me to live alone and be creative and still have contact with other people in a quiet non intrusive way.  People in real life tend to me messy and loud.  It is nice to have friends in the computer who are there when you need them and quiet when you don’t.

The emotional attachments to other people’s avatars can be very real and intense.  Meeting someone at a bar in Second Life or through online friends is just as exhilarating there as it is in real life.  The sexual attraction to someone can be instantaneous or build over time.  There is any kind of sensual pleasure you can imagine in Second Life. Some people choose to have avatars who are beautiful tigers that lay around in a pack and talk to each other, snooze and preen.  I know lairs of dragons and clubs of Shemales. In Second Life there is an adult section, a teen part and a general part, but when I joined in 2006 everything was blended together.

Back in 2006, when I started, casinos were legal in Second Life and so many people were at those sites they would crash the sims.  There are still plenty of game areas and there are simulated warrior battles too. There is a strong vampire community in Second Life and many Gorean based groups.  The Steampunkers are an imaginative bunch and I love to play with the mermaids and explore their underwater sites.

Continue reading

4 Comments

Filed under Art, Friendship, Love, relationships, Sex, Uncategorized

The Boxer

 March 20, 2011
“I am just a poor boy but my story’s seldom told, I have squandered my resistance for a pocket full of mumbles such are promises”

I am writing because I have failed again at something that just a few days ago I viewed as important. For the last two years I have tried my hand at so any different things, all bohemian. These endeavors have brought me little success and even less money. So why do I keep trying when every door I open is violently slammed in my face?

“Asking only workman’s wages I come looking for a job, but I get no offers,”

Continue reading

5 Comments

Filed under Friendship, Growth, Healing, Journal, Life Lessons, relationships

Won’t you love my crazy?

I think it’s pretty indisputable that Britney Spears has a few mental issues. It doesn’t get in the way of relationships as the star is almost on her third marriage. Well… maybe it does get in the way of relationships, but it doesn’t keep men from pursuing her. Do not attribute it to her being rich or pretty. When I worked in the school system, one of the other teachers told me about a woman she tutored at a local community college. The woman has multiple personalities, and she put stress on the world multiple. As I listened to the story, I couldn’t help but wonder how, with my one personality, I was still single, while the woman with multiple ones was happily married. Not trying to sound judgmental, I seriously began to wonder what exactly was wrong with me… She went on to describe the gamut of emotional issues this woman had and all the things her husband dealt with. He was very patient, she said.

After breaking up with my last boyfriend and a year of online dating on and off I put up one last profile in which I declared  that I was “Looking for a miracle.” I certainly got some interesting responses. One guy sent me a message that read, “Miracle huh? Are you really that bad?” This made me laugh but at the same time made me wonder… Was I?

It’s safe to say everybody has issues and there I was back on the couch with a new domestic violence counselor. It was extremely humbling this time around, because when I surveyed her bookshelf,  I recognized the names of many acquaintances from the writing world… But there I was, again. And why?

Continue reading

3 Comments

Filed under Dating, Friendship, Growth, Heart, Life Lessons, Love, relationships, Sexual Assault

Tattoos

He was perfect, well almost. I met him online. He was a big guy, 250 lbs of solid muscle and taller than me (for once). Arms. I have a thing for men’s arms, muscular ones. I find them attractive. His arms were huge. His biceps were easily larger than my thighs and his forearms were easily bigger than my calves. He actually called me a lot too, as in -instead of texting- and he even seemed interested at first. Then he added me to his Facebook. Those beautiful arms of his were not what I had seen in his pictures on the dating site. Now that I was privileged to the information on his Facebook, I saw that both his arms were tatted up with full sleeves!

In the past, I always found tattoos on guys to be sexy but two full sleeves? Not really my style… We went out to dinner where I was able to see them close up.

“Are those dinosaurs?” I asked examining the various illustrations on his arms.

“Dragons,” he promptly corrected me.

“Oh.”

He could call them whatever he wanted. They looked like dinosaurs to me and the thought of this big tough guy tattooing a family of blue and purple dinosaurs on his arms made me giggle. I tried to be respectful and bit my lip.

Continue reading

3 Comments

Filed under Dating, Journal, relationships

Are You Closed Hearted?

After watching one too many Good Morning America interviews, my mother came to the conclusion “Hayley, you’re just like Taylor Swift.” Outright sounded like a compliment as Taylor Swift is pretty, talented and rich, but it wasn’t. She meant that I was just like Taylor Swift in the sense that I too keep getting my heart broken and dumped by guys though, like Taylor Swift, I too am somewhat talented and successful (on a much smaller scale of course 😉 ). The similarities are endless because like Taylor Swift, my “art” is inspired by my life. What would I write about if I didn’t have so many dating horror stories? And why do people like me and Taylor Swift keep getting dumped? The answer lies within the heart chakra.

heart chakra

Continue reading

6 Comments

Filed under Healing, Heart, Life Lessons, Love, Passion, relationships

The Illusion of Love

Butterflies emerge from the darkness of the cocoon to greet the light and fly.  What a feeling that must be!  There is such a lightness to falling in love and to be uplifted by the attention of another person is an uplifting high full of hope and possibilities.  The reality of Love is that although it will transform you, it can be quite painful.

The evolution of a love affair is a steady progression of acts and communication.  It is like when a woman gives birth to a baby; she sees the power of existence it is overwhelming.  The steady love that can develop over a lifetime between a mother and child is subject to all sorts of challenges.  Life is not static.  It evolves and swirls around us in illusions.

Continue reading

3 Comments

Filed under Dating, Destiny, Friendship, Heart, Love, relationships, Sex