Or should I say the “lack of relationships” after sexual assault. Trust is a difficult thing, especially when you’ve fallen victim to a rape. After becoming a victim myself and eventually seeking therapy, I couldn’t trust anyone, not even myself. Can you imagine the feeling of not being able to trust yourself? I am still very mistrustful and fearful. To understand why, I would have to revert back to the crime itself along with some common misconceptions.
Category Archives: relationships
Relationships After Sexual Assault
Filed under Domestic Violence, Healing, relationships, Sexual Assault
Loneliness and Sex
Since I am writing here about sexual feelings and the idea of finding love in this world the feeling of loneliness seems to be a big part of our search for happiness. When you are finally quiet at the end of the day and go to bed alone what do you think of? What stories do you tell yourself and what are your intimate moments like?
My mother says she is never depressed or lonely. Many people who live alone claim to enjoy it and being part of a couple is trouble sometimes. Being alone is easier than dealing with someone who stirs emotions that are not all positive. But even lone wolves living in the vast wilderness of Alaska are always on the look out for others. Lonely can make you crazy after awhile.
I think everyone feels lonely sometimes but it passes. That must be what my mother means. It isn’t so much that the Blues don’t find her it is that she moves on quickly and never gives up. She appreciates living alone for the first time in her life. I do too. But I am lonely unless I have a guy I like to talk to on the internet or on the phone and the hope that I could be part of a couple again.
Filed under Journal, Life Lessons, Love, relationships
Becoming Whole
I remember the first day I babysat Melanie. I was in college and a local family hired me to watch her four days a week. Things went really well during the initial consultation. The meeting was arranged to see if she liked me. I did her nails and then we did a puzzle. She did like me, of course, and there I was again the next Monday morning. We waved from the window as her mother drove off. This job is going to be so easy, I remember thinking… And then as soon as her mother’s car was out of site, she burst out screaming and crying. She was only four years old at the time and I was too ignorant to realize that four year olds are essentially the emotional equivalent of year old babies.
My eyes bugged out of my head. I stared at her unsure of what to do. I grew up as an only child and lived a extremely solitary existence for most of my young and adult life. I had minimal experience with children up until that point. Thankfully an inkling of maternal instinct kicked in. I picked her up and soothed her until she stopped crying.
Filed under Friendship, Growth, Healing, Heart, Inspirational, Journal, relationships
Love like this
Not long ago, I was having an email conversation with a friend who was going through some heart ache. My friend told me her story then asked for my thoughts, but not before she apologized for whining.
“You’re not whining,” I said. “You’re hurting out loud. You have to listen to your heart on whether or not you want to continue on if this other person finishes their lesson. Listen within to what your spirit tells you is good for you, don’t listen to your desires. Listen to what will be Good For Your Soul.”
Filed under Destiny, Growth, Healing, Heart, Inspirational, Life Lessons, Love, relationships
My New Dress
My Spring frock came from Ross Dress For Less. I love that place. It is a zoo but I know it so well now that I can get in and get out quickly. I could spend lots of money there that I do not have. But I got this dress for less than twenty bucks and it made me happy. I had it tied around my waist and that tie came undone at the gas station. I didn’t realize it was hanging half off of me as I went into the station to pay my bill. This dress is trouble. I wore it to a community dinner at my Mom’s and I felt good in it and got a compliment from her which is rare. But what I really wanted to do was share my new dress with a lover. I know I would enjoy vamping around the living room showing it off to a fun fellow but there is no one like that in my life right now and that makes me sad.
So I vamped in front of my hallway mirror and got some great shots. Playing around with my camera is one of the things I love to do. I did not use my self timer this time but I have figured out how to twist around so that the camera is not in the scene with me while I pose in the mirror. I must have taken about twenty photos and I had fun.
Filed under Dating, Love, Photography, relationships, Sex, Uncategorized
Men in Warehouses
Sometimes when you are looking for love it gets all tangled up with sex in the same way you sometimes find yourself in a dark place fumbling for a light switch. In an empty warehouse, sex glows like a jewel on black velvet. Love is another thing. Love cannot bloom in the darkness.
Though my adventures with the men in warehouses have faded, the embers of memories will glow forever. I have been with two different fellows in the warehouses where they worked. The first one lived in a warehouse. He had a loft way up in the corner of a cement factory. He was an inventor that designed and built a big machine that added filler to cement. He and his partner marketed it and had made lots of money. The company was still thriving when I met them, but there was trouble too.
Filed under relationships
Becoming the woman I used to be
Lay, Lady, Lay
by Bob Dylan
Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Whatever colors you have in your mind
I’ll show them to you and you’ll see them shine.
Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Until the break of day, let me see you make him smile
His clothes are dirty but his hands are clean
And you’re the best thing that he’s ever seen.
Stay, lady, stay, stay with your man awhile
Why wait any longer for the world to begin
You can have your cake and eat it too
Why wait any longer for the one you love
When he’s standing in front of you.
Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Stay, lady, stay, stay while the night is still ahead
I long to see you in the morning light
I long to reach for you in the night
Stay, lady, stay, stay while the night is still ahead?
I’ve been too sad lately, it’s been 8 years and I should be over my former husband by now. Everyone wants me to be over it, so that’s how I pretend to be. I miss more than the man, I miss who I was with him. How easy it was to be myself, think what I wanted, feel what I wanted, express what I wanted, be quiet when I wanted. He thought so highly of me, more than I deserved. He was a plain man, quiet, funny with his close friends and tough as hell, he treated waitresses like they were princesses and his word was gold. I was so proud that someone that good loved me. I don’t do well in captivity but like anyone else I want a soft place to land, and he was mine.
Filed under Dreams, Fairy Tales, Growth, Healing, Heart, Life Lessons, Love, relationships
Love Isn’t Love Until You Give it Away
“Love Isn’t Love Until You Give it Away.” I saw it written on a poster at the store this morning. I probably should’ve been working, but instead I went shopping for vintage jewelry.
“Love Isn’t Love Until You Give it Away.” I just Googled it- apparently it is also the title of a Reba McEntire song.
Last night I was reading various blogs and I came across a post by Phyllis Bright Eyes. The title of the post was “Will I Recognize Love When I Find It?” Wow, good question. Most of us have grown so used to negativity and rejection that “Will I recognize love when I find it?” seems like a more than valid question. Most of us have settled for something or another, something close to love someone that our parents or friends warn us that we should not pass up. But what makes it a good thing if we have to look outside ourselves, to the voices and opinions of others, to see that it is? This is all a grand delusion, a self-deception that will fall apart in time.
Filed under Dating, Domestic Violence, Love, relationships, Sexual Assault
Protecting My Heart From Love
When you have a relationship with a person who is not reliable you cannot let yourself fall in Love with a capital L. There are caring feelings and lots of fun but protecting your heart from the inevitable break has to part of the plan for the relationship. The big loves of my life have all been precarious. I knew going into them that there was danger. The test is to let someone into your inner family circle and be proud of your relationship. If that is not possible society says you should ditch them.
Filed under Growth, Healing, Heart, Love, relationships