Over the last year and a half I have dated over 100 different guys. I’m not into dating though. In fact, I hate it. I didn’t start off looking to date. Like a lot of women I was looking for someone to begin a serious relationship with. However, that really never got off the ground and instead I found myself in serial dater territory. Through my experience in the last year I have learned that the modern US dating scene is truly the “land of free milk and cows,” and because of that sexually conservative women like me are having a next to impossible time finding anybody willing to wait.
I’m no virgin, but I remain abstinent in between long term relationships. And it has been a long time since I’ve had one. I haven’t given in and slept with anyone for several reasons. One of those reasons being that I do not want to be objectified and used for sex. Of course even in a long term partnership you can be used and disposed of, which is something I talk about extensively in my book I Know Why They Call a Shell a Shell.
A nice dinner and a little walk primes my pump for a kiss. When you meet someone on the internet you already know quite a bit about them and you like them. So the face to face meeting is a little different from meeting for the first time and kissing. I have had four kisses in parking lots this past year and they were all very good and led to absolutely nothing.
Joe looked like a great prospect because he reminded me of my old boyfriend. We had Mexican Food and talked about his service in Vietnam. He knew things. His job was intense now and he was still part of an operational team that was focused and severe except now he was selling commercial kitchen fixtures. I liked his bravery and as we walked around the block I told him he was lucky to have survived.
“I just know how to run fast.” That is what I liked to hear. He wasn’t out to do anyone harm while he sidestepped thru the puddles and over the curbs nicely. We held hands and I felt safe with him as the evening drew to a close and he walked me back to my truck. When we kissed it was strong and satisfying. I touched him and he invited me back to his place. It was very tempting. He lived just a few blocks away. But I zoomed off in my truck and never saw him again. I was glad I hadn’t slept with him and never heard from him. Apparently he was one of those fellows who is just too busy being part of a team to see the value of one little lady’s attention.
I inhabit a virtual universe called Second Life where you create a very life-like avatar, own land, create art, go to concerts, meet people from all over the world and have love affairs. I have been on the site since 2006. I feel like I really do have a Second Life. What’s strange is I can feel just as lonely in Second Life as I do in my First Life. Tonight when I came home I missed my deceased boyfriend, looked at my bleak email and facebook lists and then went on the website Second Life and had the same feelings.
My boyfriend and I used to each have avatars in Second Life. His avatar had marijuana wings and Jamaican dreadlock hair. He never really had the imagination to play as much as I do in Second Life, but we had some fun times together there and he met some of my friends there. He even met one of my boyfriends from Second Life in real life when he came to San Diego in his plane and we met him for lunch at the little airport near our house. My boyfriend used to be a pilot too.
The connections in cyberspace can make life feel less lonely too. It enables me to live alone and be creative and still have contact with other people in a quiet non intrusive way. People in real life tend to me messy and loud. It is nice to have friends in the computer who are there when you need them and quiet when you don’t.
The emotional attachments to other people’s avatars can be very real and intense. Meeting someone at a bar in Second Life or through online friends is just as exhilarating there as it is in real life. The sexual attraction to someone can be instantaneous or build over time. There is any kind of sensual pleasure you can imagine in Second Life. Some people choose to have avatars who are beautiful tigers that lay around in a pack and talk to each other, snooze and preen. I know lairs of dragons and clubs of Shemales. In Second Life there is an adult section, a teen part and a general part, but when I joined in 2006 everything was blended together.
Back in 2006, when I started, casinos were legal in Second Life and so many people were at those sites they would crash the sims. There are still plenty of game areas and there are simulated warrior battles too. There is a strong vampire community in Second Life and many Gorean based groups. The Steampunkers are an imaginative bunch and I love to play with the mermaids and explore their underwater sites.
Butterflies emerge from the darkness of the cocoon to greet the light and fly. What a feeling that must be! There is such a lightness to falling in love and to be uplifted by the attention of another person is an uplifting high full of hope and possibilities. The reality of Love is that although it will transform you, it can be quite painful.
The evolution of a love affair is a steady progression of acts and communication. It is like when a woman gives birth to a baby; she sees the power of existence it is overwhelming. The steady love that can develop over a lifetime between a mother and child is subject to all sorts of challenges. Life is not static. It evolves and swirls around us in illusions.
He came to the store where I worked and before he spoke, I recognized him as the person I had been talking to on the internet. He was very tall and quiet black gentleman with big doe eyes and he wanted me badly.
His wife was distant. She was an alcoholic and that was the big elephant in the room that no one talked about in his house. At the time I didn’t know what that meant. Now I do and I sympathize with him. We met again at a coffee shop in the eclectic part of town where I lived. I liked him. Smart, responsible and sexy. He was a chef at a downtown hotel and he had started that profession by just walking in to a place that had a “dishwasher wanted” sign in the window. From there, he worked his way up to head chef.
Have you noticed that there is a certain abandon to someone who lives outside the box? I have always enjoyed the characters of this world and the relationships I have had with the crazy ones involve mind blowing sex. There is something about someone who can let loose of the norms of society and give their all to passion that ignites a spark in me. People who are sane and able to sustain life in a normal manner usually do not turn me on.
It takes a leap of faith to jump into a sexual relationship. So many people are afraid of that intensity. Isn’t that why we are in these bodies? Aren’t we here to enjoy these pleasures? The monks of the world would tell me that the spiritual bliss they experience with their meditation is a hundred times as powerful as lowly sex. I beg to differ. The joy of two bodies coming together trumps all in my book and if that means I’m crazy then so be it.
Having a drink and transcending this reality is a sign that you are close to the edge. Taking a hike up a dangerous mountain so that you can jump off it with a para-glider is crazy. But can you imagine the thrill? Having an art show in the center of the city or publishing a novel that the whole world will read is a high that can’t be imagined. Hard work will make you high. Crazy to give it all up for fame and fortune. Crazy to want to lay in bed with someone who can give you intense pleasure. Crazy does it good.
I’m Quitting Writing to Become a Stripper
Yeah, right. However, not long ago a male acquaintance suggested I do just that. This really blows my mind because he was the second person to do this in the last year. I am and have always been fairly conservative, kept to myself and not any type of exhibitionist so what is it that makes them say such things?
Well the first time this was suggested to me, I was still doing okay writing but not in the eyes of my friend’s boyfriend who said it. “You should become a stripper. You have the body for it.” I got mad at him. He didn’t understand why. He thought it was a compliment. I guess as a concerned friend, he thought it could really help pay my bills…
The second time it was said to me by a person who’s formal education exceeds my own. He is obviously a moron, though. Money nor degrees can do anything about that… ” You should become a stripper and write about it.”
My Spring frock came from Ross Dress For Less. I love that place. It is a zoo but I know it so well now that I can get in and get out quickly. I could spend lots of money there that I do not have. But I got this dress for less than twenty bucks and it made me happy. I had it tied around my waist and that tie came undone at the gas station. I didn’t realize it was hanging half off of me as I went into the station to pay my bill. This dress is trouble. I wore it to a community dinner at my Mom’s and I felt good in it and got a compliment from her which is rare. But what I really wanted to do was share my new dress with a lover. I know I would enjoy vamping around the living room showing it off to a fun fellow but there is no one like that in my life right now and that makes me sad.
So I vamped in front of my hallway mirror and got some great shots. Playing around with my camera is one of the things I love to do. I did not use my self timer this time but I have figured out how to twist around so that the camera is not in the scene with me while I pose in the mirror. I must have taken about twenty photos and I had fun.
There are some who might say that I have had way too many sexual partners in my life. I have been tested and do not have any STD’s, yet I know I have taken chances. I think it has been a rather normal progression of people in my life and I like to think I have played it safe. I look back at the journals I wrote during those times and I wonder what I was thinking. I know I was imagining that this was the way to love. My journey and documenting the stops continue to this day and I feel close to some personal truths. My path is not for everyone but I don’t regret my life.
I had been divorced after twenty five years because the sex was terrible. That really was the bottom line in addition to religious, personality and astrological differences. So when I was free I went looking. I actually found an affair while I was still married. The Internet swept me into a world that still intrigues me. Bruce was my first fellow and he gave me the kisses I was missing. My ex is still a fine friend but I needed more. I found it and never looked back.
Filed under Addiction, Art, Dating, Destiny, Dreams, Heart, Love, Passion, relationships, Sex, Uncategorized, Writing
After Rush Limbaugh’s recent explosion over birth control it is clear that Rush Limbaugh thinks we’re all sluts. The controversy that caused the explosion: law student, Sarah Fluke’s testimony on behalf of women. Yes, women. She argued that birth control should be covered by insurance even if you are working or attending some sort of religious institution. The vast majority of Republicans are going after birth control coverage in the same way they bullied some insurance companies into removing abortion coverage. Rush responded to Sarah Fluke’s testimony with the following statement.
“So Miss Fluke and the rest of you feminazis, here’s the deal: If we are going to pay for your contraceptives and thus pay for you to have sex, we want something. We want you to post the videos online so we can all watch.”
It is interesting to note that Fluke’s argument was not based on the birth control’s contraceptive properties- but the health issues the pill is used to treat.
This is war: war on women. This last move, an attempt to remove birth control coverage from major insurance plans, proves it. They want us to be barefoot and pregnant or just plain poor from having to buy birth control without insurance coverage. Men can walk into a gas station to buy condoms. Condoms are $1 each. Women have to first make an appointment with an OBGYN (which without insurance is $250 before tests are added to the bill) and then they must get a prescription, bring it to a pharmacy and get it filled. Even with insurance, the copay for birth control is often $20 or even $40 for a one month supply!
I just called my local Rite Aid Pharmacy to get some prices. One of the safest birth control pills to take (safe because it has less hormones in it than the other ones) is $114.99 per month! That is without insurance. With insurance it is probably still expensive, as we know each year copays go up not down.
There are other options like Planned Parenthood, which will provide you with affordable birth control for $35, however, their selection of pills are limited and they do not carry the low hormone brands. Ladies, you better get your affordable birth control at Planned Parenthood quick, because the Republicans in power are trying to defund them too.