Tag Archives: dating

The Chef

He came to the store where I worked and before he spoke, I recognized him as the person I had been talking to on the internet.  He was very tall and quiet black gentleman with big doe eyes and he wanted me badly.

His wife was distant.  She was an alcoholic and that was the big elephant in the room that no one talked about in his house.  At the time I didn’t know what that meant.  Now I do and I sympathize with him.  We met again at a coffee shop in the eclectic part of town where I lived.  I liked him.  Smart, responsible and sexy.   He was a chef at a downtown hotel and he had started that profession by just walking in to a place that had a “dishwasher wanted” sign in the window.  From there, he worked his way up to head chef.

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My New Dress

My Spring frock came from Ross Dress For Less. I love that place. It is a zoo but I know it so well now that I can get in and get out quickly. I could spend lots of money there that I do not have. But I got this dress for less than twenty bucks and it made me happy.  I had it tied around my waist and that tie came undone at the gas station.  I didn’t realize it was hanging half off of me as I went into the station to pay my bill.  This dress is trouble.  I wore it to a community dinner at my Mom’s and I felt good in it and got a compliment from her which is rare.  But what I really wanted to do was share my new dress with a lover.  I know I would enjoy vamping around the living room showing it off to a fun fellow but there is no one like that in my life right now and that makes me sad.

So I vamped in front of my hallway mirror and got some great shots.  Playing around with my camera is one of the things I love to do.  I did not use my self timer this time but I have figured out how to twist around so that the camera is not in the scene with me while I pose in the mirror.  I must have taken about twenty photos and I had fun.

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Abandoned

In the movie Groundhog Day, Bill Murray’s character awakes every morning to the same exact day. Because of this, he is able to live each day without consequences and still wake up the next morning as if nothing happened. He eats whatever he wants, commits suicide, and is an all out jerk, yet the next morning he’s still in his bed reliving Groundhog Day all over again.

Aside from the monotony of it all, the fact that his character seems to despise Pittsburgh, living the same day over and over again doesn’t seem like the worst thing could happen a person…well, that is until said person falls in love…

Soon he does, he falls in love with Andie McDowell’s character and they have an affair. However, every morning when Murray wakes up she is gone. When he sees her that day, it is as if it never happened. She has no recollection of the event, which doesn’t say much about his performance. Just kidding, it is of course because the day has started over again as if nothing had ever happened.

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Being crazy was easier

Last June I started to have an unfamiliar feeling of longing. It wasn’t a fleeting feeling, it was a deep in your gut longing. The kind you can’t get rid of no matter what you do to distract yourself. I don’t think or process aloud, instead I spent a few weeks silently trying to understand what I wanted. To protect myself  from being overwhelmed with emotion, I reverted to an old behavior and crawled into bed. It’s hard to hurt yourself or anyone else if you are in bed alone.

I miss being crazy. That thought hit me recently when I realized clarity had returned. It was easier when I had blender brain and all the thoughts were scrambled. I was stuck with reality and it was worse than I realized. I have PTSD and Attachment disorder, I have labels and disorders. What a drag.

As I was lying in bed a thought attached itself to the feeling of longing, it popped into my head: I wished someone was holding me. Then the thought came again. It surprised me. The first time, I shrugged it off as weird and fleeting. The second time, I laid there and thought more about it. I tried to remember if I had ever before desired to be held but could not recall. It was years before I could accept a hug from a friend without recoiling and often it still makes me uncomfortable. I’m only comfortable hugging children. The year before I asked my eldest for a hug and then we stared at each other for a few tense moments. My mother started hugging me last year and I want to hug her, so I do, but it feels very unnatural and strange. Now all of a sudden at this age, for no reason at all, I’m longing to be held. What’s happening to me? I miss the way I didn’t feel.

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Abusive Relationships: Break the Cycle, No More Second Chances

When I decided after my last terribly abusive relationship that I was done being abused by men, I figured making the change from dating abusive men to dating normal ones would be as easy as flicking off a light switch. My life, until that point had been so dramatic that I decided to chronicle the journey in my book, I Know Why They Call a Shell a Shell: Tales of Love Lost at Sea. I’d planned on writing about my unbelievable relationship past and then write a very happily-ever-after ending based on what I foresaw to be my sunnier dating future. Par usual, I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Though I made a conscious decision to no longer involve myself in unhealthy relationships, the rest of me still had to catch up with that thought. There really is a common personality trait in people who end up in abusive situations. A lot of these victims and future victims of abusive relationships have low self-esteem, but other personality traits can lead to this situation. Being vulnerable, too trusting, or not assertive enough can entrap you in a variety of unhealthy situations not limited to romantic, (also friendships and work-related scenarios).

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Meant to Be?

If something is meant to be will it happen? I imagine this is a very ancient question- in fact, right now I am picturing Socrates in a toga pondering this one. Does anybody know for sure? We can only take examples from our lives and string them together to formulate our answer. Thinking back on my life I can certainly think of examples of when something was not meant to be.

A friend hooked me up with a guy she knew. We had never met face to face but I already knew what he looked like half naked because he was one of the firemen in our local city’s classy Firefighter’s Calendar. Anyways, we hadn’t yet met up, but we spoke on the phone a few times. His predominate method of contacting me was through texting. Oh, the faux pas that texting can create….The story your about to hear makes me want to implement a no texting rule, for my own safety as well as the safety of others, however, it would be best if I just threw my phone out because I’ve definitely made a fool of myself through what we know to be more traditional dialing methods.

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Don’t Go Breakin’ Your Heart

For all the times somebody broke my heart, I’ve broken my heart three times over. What am I talking about you ask? Coveting. I should’ve paid attention in Sunday school (sorry, Mrs. Fredericksen), as I’m pretty sure there is a Commandment against this. Coveting is worse than it sounds, in fact I didn’t even realize that I’d been doing it for all these years.

I am the master if relationships- relationships in my mind, that is. I meet a guy, date him, talk to him, things are all around going well. In my mind, however, I am already picturing the progression of this not-even-a-relationship’s relationship. In my mind I am imagining how he is going to fall hard for me, so hard that it will pain him to be away from me for long. On top of that, I picture that he will be a guy who actually treats me with respect, for once.

It starts off good, but then suddenly comes a landslide and he falls off of a cliff. He stops calling. I can’t figure out why. Doesn’t he want everything to fall into place the way I’d pictured it? Doesn’t he want to fall in love with me and see how wonderful and caring of a person I am? Especially to a guy who deserves my adoration… Doesn’t he know what he’s missing? Doesn’t he want to go with me to Vermont for the weekend like I’d planned we’d do in a month or two? And what about Valentine’s day? Wasn’t he going to be my date? This is my internal dialogue, I want to make that clear. He did not disappear because I vocalized this, no. These thoughts never left my mind, until now, of course.

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Repeat Relationships: What Story Do You Keep Retelling?

Warning: When Participating in Relationships You Run the Risk of Getting Hurt

That’s what they say- if you don’t want to get hurt, lock yourself in your boudoir or something. When I was younger, the more someone warned me not to go out with a person, the more I wanted to go out with them and to prove the other person wrong. I thought I was Cinderella when her evil step mother locked her in the basement to keep her from meeting the prince. I thought maybe they were trying to keep me away from the guy because they were jealous and wanted him for themselves. Nope. They were worried, and they had reasons.

I heard a wise man talking about the way we repeat the same patterns over and over again in our lives; the same scenario but with new people every time. It is the same, he said, as when a small child wants you to read them the same story over and over again. I can’t stop thinking about this. It is a significant statement, but I don’t know why. It may be the key to me breaking jerk-dating pattern. I remember when I was a child I would want to read the same story over and over again or watch the same movie over and over again. Each time was equally if not more satisfying than the first. It never got boring. Why?

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Ass Clowns Are Forever

I will never understand why some people end up marrying the first people they date and why people like me can date a million men and have all of them turn out the same- never finding one guy that ends up being decent. After the first handful of weddings of friends and relatives that were so limited in gene pool that in most states it would be illegal to marry the majority of the people in the room- weddings when you sometimes end up having to dance with your cousins (of the same sex even!) it started to wear on you. Especially when you become older then the bride. That really sucks. But you had to go because somebody’s got to be there to miss the bouquet!

I have missed the bouquet several times and for several reason. Many a wedding I drank too much and happened to be in the bathroom when it was thrown. Aw shucks on the first time that happened (as my cousin had it rigged and was gonna throw it right to me!). Then there was the time my friend’s thrice-divorced aunt stood right in front of me at the last minute and ended up catching it. There is no way I would’ve missed if it wasn’t for her Walmart-loving tank ass. Sorry. I’m still a little miffed about that one.

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Top Ten List of My Most Stellar Online Dating Experiences

Okay so it’s still a bit taboo: online dating. Since I work from home 90% of the time, online dating has been an effective way to meet members (or at least talk to) of the opposite sex. Everyone told me not to do it but as usual, I found a way to rationalize it and convince myself that it was a good idea. Half the people I work with I’ve never met in person. I have never met any of my editors, colleagues, or readers and from what I know of them they all seem like pretty stellar people. So what’s wrong with meeting potential dates online?

Well as it turns out it is different and the same. For one, it differs from the other people I’ve worked with online in the sense that they were decent and the guys I met online all seemed to be self centered man-children. Yet it is similar to actual dating in the sense that 99% of the guys I meet in “real life” end up being jerks. Online 100% of the men I’ve met (thus far) have turned out to be jerks. Statistically the success rate of relationships with men I met online is virtually the same as the success I had with the men I met in person. Shocking, I know!

Though the experiences I’ve had since I began online dating would make a great book, today I’ve decided to share with you some of the highlights of my online dating experience. So below is my Top Ten List of My Most Stellar Online Dating Experiences

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