Last night before I went to sleep I asked God to help me figure out to do about the source of my guilt. I have eliminated most of my guilt over the years but still have trouble justifying the fact that I am estranged from my grandmother. As you know may know, my uncle has torn the family apart with his endless dysfunction but it’s not just that. Growing up I was at the bottom of the totem pole when it came to favoritism in the family. Despite this status, she still had enough manipulation and nastiness to go around. She is one of those people whom strangers love and wonder why her family doesn’t talk to her because she’s so nice to them.
Despite the long list of justification I had for not really talking to her anymore I still felt guilty. I am not the type of person who can do mean or hurtful things to a person even when they treated me abusively. The reason I stayed away was to protect myself: I couldn’t take the way she made me feel when I was around her. Even if I did something nice or thoughtful she was so mean that I always left her home feeling bad. I didn’t need people like her and my uncle in my life. Somehow, I still felt guilty for this choice.