Tag Archives: never give up

Being crazy was easier

Last June I started to have an unfamiliar feeling of longing. It wasn’t a fleeting feeling, it was a deep in your gut longing. The kind you can’t get rid of no matter what you do to distract yourself. I don’t think or process aloud, instead I spent a few weeks silently trying to understand what I wanted. To protect myself  from being overwhelmed with emotion, I reverted to an old behavior and crawled into bed. It’s hard to hurt yourself or anyone else if you are in bed alone.

I miss being crazy. That thought hit me recently when I realized clarity had returned. It was easier when I had blender brain and all the thoughts were scrambled. I was stuck with reality and it was worse than I realized. I have PTSD and Attachment disorder, I have labels and disorders. What a drag.

As I was lying in bed a thought attached itself to the feeling of longing, it popped into my head: I wished someone was holding me. Then the thought came again. It surprised me. The first time, I shrugged it off as weird and fleeting. The second time, I laid there and thought more about it. I tried to remember if I had ever before desired to be held but could not recall. It was years before I could accept a hug from a friend without recoiling and often it still makes me uncomfortable. I’m only comfortable hugging children. The year before I asked my eldest for a hug and then we stared at each other for a few tense moments. My mother started hugging me last year and I want to hug her, so I do, but it feels very unnatural and strange. Now all of a sudden at this age, for no reason at all, I’m longing to be held. What’s happening to me? I miss the way I didn’t feel.

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Filed under Dating, Growth, Healing, Life Lessons, Love, relationships

Think Outside of the Shoe Box

 

Doors, Paphos, Cyprus, Hayley Rose, Copyright 2009

One of my favorite writers, Russell Bishop, posted an excellent article this week on The Huffington Post, called Soul Talk: What Happens When God Closes a Door? His article is of course based on the old adage, “When God closes a door he opens a window.” Russell took this classic concept one step farther and said that this old adage is wrong: that God doesn’t just “merely open a window, He actually opens a universe.”

Windows, Paphos, Cyprus, Hayley Rose, Copyright 2009

It is an interesting perspective indeed, however, like most things, God doesn’t do room service; you still have to go out and find this new “universe.” And it doesn’t end with this quest. Not only do you have to go looking for it, but when you find it, you have to be perceptive enough to see it.

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The Road Not Taken

 

Photo by Hayley Rose, 2011

I went running in the woods on the 2.5 mile loop that I love. I was hoping to reach the very sedative yet meditative state that one reaches after prolonged physical activity, but my brain was thinking overtime par usual. I decided to run the loop twice and by my fourth mile I was getting a bit fatigued as I began my battle against the steepest hill of the trail. As I began my ascent up the monster of an incline, I noticed a very inviting bench off to the side. Maybe I should sit down for just a minute…

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Filed under Dreams, Inspirational, Motivation, Poetry

Embrace Your Failures

I remember a while back when one of my friends broke up with his girlfriend. He was really upset. At the time I had just broke up with some one as well. I told him to think about how he was feeling -right at that moment- and to embrace all the pain, because that is what it is to be human. I told him to think about how human he felt at that moment and acknowledge those negative emotions. Feeling the feelings and consciously processing them would inevitably allow him to move past them rather than if he ignored them or refused to face them.

Once we have surrendered ourself to acceptance of failure- that there is no getting (or getting back) what we want, all we are left with is feelings of pain and disappointment. This is what many self-help writers refer to as “growing pains.” During our biggest disappointments and our most painful moments we are provided with unlimited potential for the growth and strengthening of our spirit. On the other hand, some people view failure and pain as the only lens through which we would be able to appreciate the good things in our life; that we wouldn’t appreciate the good if we didn’t have the bad.

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Filed under Friendship, Growth, Healing, Heart, Inspirational, Life Lessons

Why You Should Never Give Up

This is my newest piece on The Huffington Post. It is about the most important virtue one must have to be successful. One of my favorite examples of someone who never gave up is Susan Boyle.

A few years ago, at a local dive, I ran into a few girls I had gone to middle school with. One of them was a local actress. We spoke about our artistic pursuits. Both of us, about 22 at the time, had reached some sort of slump. Acting was such a tough business to break into that she had finally decided to enroll in a local state college to study psychology.

And just a few nights ago, I watched from my living room as she performed on the Tony Awards.

It turns out that not long after our meeting, she got her big break when the producers of “Hairspray” needed to replace the headliner. She was perfect for the lead, and since “Hairspray,” she has continued to go on to bigger and better things.

The worst thing you can ever do is give up, especially if you are bluffing and intend to eventually go back to what you started. As a writer and artist, I received many rejection letters over the years. After I got rejected from MFA programs, I was so discouraged that I stopped writing for six months. The road had been bumpy even before the subsequent MFA rejections started to come in. Before finishing my undergraduate degree, I began asking my professors to write me letters of recommendation. When I asked one of my professors, one that I respected the most, for a recommendation for MFA programs, he laughed in my face. I told him that I wanted to be a professor. He told me not to bother and to “just go teach elemetary school or something.”

Read the rest of the post here.

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Filed under Dreams, Inspirational, Life Lessons, Passion

The Only Existing Footage of Anne Frank

Recently a friend shared with me a short video clip called. “The Only Existing Video Footage of Anne Frank.” The video is only twenty seconds long. It gives the viewer a brief snap shot of a street in Amsterdam during 1941. It shows people walking down the street, a bicyclist, a couple who was just married. Then the camera pans upwards to a nondescript balcony. From the second the lens sets its sight on the balcony, one immediately recognizes the profile of this famous young girl. Anne Frank leans over the railing, then looks behind her as someone from within the house beckons her. Her unmistakable ringlets cascade as she looks down toward the street. She is not on the film for more than two seconds. This silent film clip is the only known footage of her.

She has become an icon, a cultural phenomena, an important bookend of an era full of the suffering and murder of countless Jewish families. Anne did not survive the war, in fact her father was the only survivor of the group that hid out in the secret annex. After being liberated, her father, Otto Frank, left Auschwitz in search of his family. Upon learning his wife has perished, he returned to Amsterdam with the hope of finding his two young daughters. He finds, of course, that they too have died. A friend gives him Anne’s writings and diary. Otto then works to fufill her one wish: to have her diary published.

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Never Give Up

A few years ago, at a local dive, I ran into a few girls I went to middle school with. One of them was a local actress. We spoke about our artistic pursuits. Both of us, about 22 at the time, had reached some sort of slump. Acting was such a tough business to break into that she finally decided to enroll in a local state college to study psychology.

A few nights ago, I watched from my living room as she performed on the Tony Awards. Not long after our meeting, she got her big break when the producers of Hairspray needed to replace the headliner Nicky Blonsky. She was perfect for the lead and since Hairspray, she has continued to go on to bigger and better things.

The worst thing you can ever do is give up, especially if you are bluffing and intend to eventually go back to what you started. As a writer and artist, I received many rejection letters over the years. After I got rejected from MFA programs, I was so discouraged that I stopped writing for six months. The road had been bumpy even before the subsequent MFA rejections started to come in. Before finishing my undergraduate degree, I began asking my professors to write me letters of recommendation. When I asked one of my professors, one that I respected the most, for a recommendation for MFA programs, he laughed in my face. I told him that I wanted to be a professor. He told me not to bother and to “just go teach elemetary school or something.”

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Filed under Dreams, Inspirational, Life Lessons, Passion

Surviving Sexual Assault by Conquering the World

"Pearl in Shell" via Blue Eyed Ennis

I recently had an anniversary. About a year ago, I was unable to sleep and up late at night calling anonymous help lines. To even admit this, I am bashful. Who wants to represent the image of a person who has reached the point in their life when calling anonymous help lines in the middle of the is nothing out of the ordinary? I did this for about a week until one night I was connected to a local hotline, not one of those 24-hour hotlines that have someone sitting by the phone around the clock. Nope, the person I spoke to on this particular night had been sleeping and was woken up because it was their night to watch the hotline. For the next few days this counselor, the one I had awoken, relentlessly called me until I agreed to go to the Rape Crisis Center in my area.

Not long after that, I reluctantly showed up at the doorstep of this old house turned office building in the middle of the city ready to talk about what happened to me ten years ago. As I rang the doorbell and waited for security to let me in, I figured that talking to a counselor couldn’t possibly make me feel worse than I already did.

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Filed under Healing, Inspirational, Sexual Assault

Evaluated

Painting by Hayley Rose, Copyright 2008

 

Throughout my lifetime, I can recall the instances in which I got the look. It was typically given to me by what I can most tersely describe as “left-brained people.”  They’ve squinted their eyes, raised their eyebrows, and scrunched-up their noses at me without even attempting to hide that they were questioning my sanity. However, in my youth I’d existed in a blissful ignorance, never suspecting anyone of doing this to me until one day….

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