He came to the store where I worked and before he spoke, I recognized him as the person I had been talking to on the internet. He was very tall and quiet black gentleman with big doe eyes and he wanted me badly.
His wife was distant. She was an alcoholic and that was the big elephant in the room that no one talked about in his house. At the time I didn’t know what that meant. Now I do and I sympathize with him. We met again at a coffee shop in the eclectic part of town where I lived. I liked him. Smart, responsible and sexy. He was a chef at a downtown hotel and he had started that profession by just walking in to a place that had a “dishwasher wanted” sign in the window. From there, he worked his way up to head chef.
Sometimes when you are looking for love it gets all tangled up with sex in the same way you sometimes find yourself in a dark place fumbling for a light switch. In an empty warehouse, sex glows like a jewel on black velvet. Love is another thing. Love cannot bloom in the darkness.
Though my adventures with the men in warehouses have faded, the embers of memories will glow forever. I have been with two different fellows in the warehouses where they worked. The first one lived in a warehouse. He had a loft way up in the corner of a cement factory. He was an inventor that designed and built a big machine that added filler to cement. He and his partner marketed it and had made lots of money. The company was still thriving when I met them, but there was trouble too.
"Vehicles" Suzanne Smith 2012
Johnny Stewart in the back of his friend’s car in the early sixties is a vivid one because it was my first kiss. Our teeth clicked. We snuggled into the green plush seat back in that old car and sped along the back roads on the Island of Guam. Johnny was an airman on the base where my Dad worked and he was a lifeguard at the pool on base. I was an avid swimmer. I am so glad he was my first kiss. That was my first memory of men in vehicles.
Then there was a ride back from the casino to my mother’s house with a fellow in the back of another fellow’s truck. The three of us had so much fun. This particular evening we were rocking and rolling around in the back of that truck and I’m thinking I am way too old to be doing this. I didn’t want to screech to a halt in front of my mom’s house so I banged on the truck window to let me out a block away. Disheveled, I said good night. Mom never knew. She didn’t know I did it another time with those two guys in her guest room where I was staying. We were all three very quick and sly. I could see her down the street talking to a friend. I miss those crazy guys. One worked for Amtrak and the other is an Artist. It sounds like we were teens but we were all in our fifties.
“Look, I want to be honest and real with you because you deserve it sweetie… I am attracted to you and yes I want you to be mine one day if God is willing, babygirl. My wife and I would love to get to know you sweetie… You are a beautiful woman and getting to know you would be a pleasure. We, as a married couple, are seeking to have a committed serious relationship that could lead to family and children one day. We want to be upfront and real with a fine sexy beautiful goddess like yourself, sweetie, and by the way, we are new to this also, so hit us up when you have a chance ok. Take care babygirl!”
This is by far one of the oddest messages I have received via my online dating profile. Through the years, however, I have encountered many swingers. For a long time I was a waitress at a sushi bar and during that time I saw some of the craziest stuff and met some of the craziest people- these people, of course, included swingers. There was the nude photographer who offered me $50 an hour to sell my soul (aka to pose nude for his smut photography). “Well, you’re just a waitress,” he assumed, “I’m sure you could use the extra money.” As if! This self-proclaimed “photographer” was a married man and often visited the restaurant accompanied by two other couples and his wife. They invited me to join in their “after dinner festivities” several times. I flirted with them to up my tip, but would never ever participate in an orgy (and if I did, they would certainly be my last choice of partners).
This recent message from the married couple online, wouldn’t be the first message I’ve received from a couple on the dating site that inquired about some type of group sex/ relationship arrangement. The first was from a guy who had a girlfriend but was seeking a threesome. The first time he messaged me he was upfront. The second time he messaged me, his profile no longer mentioned that he was in a relationship. I envisioned that he still was with the girl and that meeting up with him would inevitably get me jumped and possibly murdered by them both. I promptly ignored his message just like I am going to ignore the one from the married couple who wants to make their couple into a triple (that could possibly lead to “a committed serious relationship that could lead to family and children one day”).
This reminds me of the time I almost joined a commune. When I lived in Arizona, one of my best friends, who also happens to be a mega-Christian sorority girl, brought me to a place called Arcosanti. Because of my friend’s extremely conservative background, I never suspected that anything at Arcosanti was awry, being a devout Christian, she would die before she went against her Bible-given principles.
Arcosanti is an art commune of sorts that focuses on building an Earth friendly society with urban planning that focuses on sustainability (architecture that goes along with the grain of the terrain rather than dominate it). From what I gather, it is an independent community that self-governs and self-regulates (such as the Vatican). The place is gorgeous and built within the desert in a way that doesn’t seem to alter the land as it reaches towards Arcosanti’s goal of a sustainable environment.
Arcosanti Panoramic View
There are some who might say that I have had way too many sexual partners in my life. I have been tested and do not have any STD’s, yet I know I have taken chances. I think it has been a rather normal progression of people in my life and I like to think I have played it safe. I look back at the journals I wrote during those times and I wonder what I was thinking. I know I was imagining that this was the way to love. My journey and documenting the stops continue to this day and I feel close to some personal truths. My path is not for everyone but I don’t regret my life.
I had been divorced after twenty five years because the sex was terrible. That really was the bottom line in addition to religious, personality and astrological differences. So when I was free I went looking. I actually found an affair while I was still married. The Internet swept me into a world that still intrigues me. Bruce was my first fellow and he gave me the kisses I was missing. My ex is still a fine friend but I needed more. I found it and never looked back.
Filed under Addiction, Art, Dating, Destiny, Dreams, Heart, Love, Passion, relationships, Sex, Uncategorized, Writing
I have a variety of friends. Friends from different countries. Friends with different values. Friends from many cultures. They are all very unique, but what is even more unique is their love lives. One of my friends is polyamorous- have you ever heard of this? I didn’t until she told me about it. Polyamory is the practice of keeping several lovers at once; having several intimate relationships going on at the same time, and being completely honest about it to everyone involved. I could never do this. I don’t like to share…my men. I also wouldn’t really have an interest in sleeping with several people at once. It’s just not my thing.
Another friend of mine recently suggested I get a few “fuck buddies.” This made me wonder if he ever listens to anything I say or reads any of my blogs. I have had enough meaningless relationships to last a few lifetimes, I’m not about to begin participation in meaningless sex as well. He is cool with this idea and has several “fuck buddies” himself. A lot of guys and girls would probably appreciate this type of no strings attached arrangement, I am however, looking for someone who feels quite the opposite.
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Need a Miracle?
Recently, I found myself on Google doing some “research.” I was having a particularly bad night and typed in the following: “I need a miracle.”
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2011, The Lesson I Learned: Be Proud of Your Failures
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Sexual Assault: Can You Ever Move On?
If your first “sexual” experience is a violent crime, can sex and rape ever be dissociated?
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