Sometimes when we don’t trust ourselves, we feel very insecure about stepping out into the world to live life. I know I was afraid to go out and be my own person because of the abuse and rape I experienced at a young age. I feared that I, again, wouldn’t be able to protect myself if put in a compromising situation. As a result, I entered into an abusive relationship and subsequently continued this pattern for years. I was attracted to these types of relationships because, on a subconscious level, the aspect of control imposed limits that made me feel “protected” when everything around me felt very out of control. Alone, I felt vulnerable; like I could become a victim again at any time.
Like a textbook abusive relationship, the imposed limitations ended up including a list of things he didn’t want me to do, people he didn’t want me see, and places he didn’t want me to go. Somewhere in my psyche I knew this and permitted it to happen because I felt more insecure out of the relationship than I did in it. Ironically, I ended up existing in this cocoon for several years instead of navigating the world on my own.
Read the rest of the article after the jump.
The other day, I was texting a friend while driving. Well, I wasn’t actually texting in the conventional sense (that is illegal); I was speaking into my phone’s voice recorder, which takes what I say and transcribes it into text. So there I was in the middle of a heavy text conversation — as heavy as a text conversation can get — talking about how I was raped. I looked down at my phone and noticed that one of the words read “r****” in place of “raped.” “R****?” Really?
Not often is anyone daring enough to censor me, least of all my cell phone. In the past, I’ve noticed that the voice recorder has blocked certain words and changed them from their original form into a more symbolic “f***,” “b****,” and “s***.” That I can understand- well, no, not really, but I do know that the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) blocks many of those words on open channels, so in the conventional sense, I am familiar with those “swear” words being censored, but “rape?”
The rest of the article can be found here at The Huffington Post
Please check out my new article about the residual effects of domestic violence.
I will never forget the dread I experienced when I was honest about my feelings with my abusive ex-boyfriend. Anything and everything can and will offend an abuser, especially when you disagree with him. What an abuser chooses to get upset about is their choice and is as unpredictable as the weather; something that was benign yesterday can be infuriating today.
Disagreeing with him was never a good idea. After doing so, I remember that sick pang I’d get in my torso as I awaited his imminent reaction. And even when there was no reaction, I found myself wondering and even asking him if he was mad at me. Why? Because that’s what I expected: He usually did get mad at me when I voiced my opinion. Why wouldn’t I worry? Anger was the typical response I got when I was honest with him about my feelings or frustrations. Even with no response, the push and pull of his abusive dynamics prevented me from thinking properly; I was left emotionally “hand shy,” inwardly wincing before each anticipated strike.
You can read the full article here on The Huffington Post