I am writing because I have failed again at something that just a few days ago I viewed as important. For the last two years I have tried my hand at so any different things, all bohemian. These endeavors have brought me little success and even less money. So why do I keep trying when every door I open is violently slammed in my face?
“Asking only workman’s wages I come looking for a job, but I get no offers,”
The truth is I want to give up. I want to give up my dreams and get a job at a place with health insurance that will pay me a salary somewhere between minimum wage and decent. A place like Verizon, for example. I could’ve done it, thrown in the metaphorical towel and began working at the mall as a Customer Service Rep, but the truth about that is, a few nights ago I got an email from them saying that they chose a better candidate for the position. I find it laughable that with ten years work experience and a bachelor’s degree I am not qualified to sell phones.
“Then I’m laying out my winter clothes and wishing I was gone
going home, where the New York City winters aren’t bleeding me,”
“In the clearing stands a boxer, and a fighter by his trade, and he carries the reminders, of ev’ry glove that laid him down, or cut him till he cried out in his anger and his shame I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains,”
Regardless of reality, I have come too far, like the pitbull with lipstick, perhaps I too am unaware of my inabilities; yet too full of chronic ignorance to give up.
The Boxer lyrics by Paul Simon, recorded by Simon and Garfunkle
Music: Simon and Garfunkle’s The Boxer
May 5, 2011
So the above story was written March of last year. A week or so before writing this I’d auditioned for a TV show in front of at least a hundred people and had inevitably not received a call back. In fact, I was not even a runner up let alone the choice for the role… I felt humiliated but at the same time I couldn’t believe that I had went through with it and pulled off a halfway decent monologue in front of that many people. That made me feel pretty powerful, but then there was the aftermath. No job. An awful boyfriend. No future.
And then about a week later something miraculous happened. I got a stellar writing opportunity. I was amazed by how quickly things had turned around for me. And as sad as this post might’ve sounded in the beginning this is truly a story about hope.