Category Archives: Heart

by | June 27, 2012 · 2:23 am

Kisses in Parking Lots

A nice dinner and a little walk primes my pump for a kiss.  When you meet someone on the internet you already know quite a bit about them and you like them.  So the face to face meeting is a little different from meeting for the first time and kissing.  I have had four kisses in parking lots this past year and they were all very good and led to absolutely nothing.

Joe looked like a great prospect because he reminded me of my old boyfriend. We had Mexican Food and talked about his service in Vietnam.  He knew things.  His job was intense now and he was still part of an operational team that was focused and severe except now he was selling commercial kitchen fixtures.  I liked his bravery and as we walked around the block I told him he was lucky to have survived.

“I just know how to run fast.”  That is what I liked to hear.  He wasn’t out to do anyone harm while he sidestepped thru the puddles and over the curbs nicely.  We held hands and I felt safe with him as the evening drew to a close and he walked me back to my truck.  When we kissed it was strong and satisfying.  I touched him and he invited me back to his place.  It was very tempting.  He lived just a few blocks away.  But I zoomed off in my truck and never saw him again.  I was glad I hadn’t slept with him and never heard from him. Apparently he was one of those fellows who is just too busy being part of a team to see the value of one little lady’s attention.

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Filed under Heart, Love, Passion, Sex, Uncategorized, Women

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by | June 6, 2012 · 10:12 pm

Won’t you love my crazy?

I think it’s pretty indisputable that Britney Spears has a few mental issues. It doesn’t get in the way of relationships as the star is almost on her third marriage. Well… maybe it does get in the way of relationships, but it doesn’t keep men from pursuing her. Do not attribute it to her being rich or pretty. When I worked in the school system, one of the other teachers told me about a woman she tutored at a local community college. The woman has multiple personalities, and she put stress on the world multiple. As I listened to the story, I couldn’t help but wonder how, with my one personality, I was still single, while the woman with multiple ones was happily married. Not trying to sound judgmental, I seriously began to wonder what exactly was wrong with me… She went on to describe the gamut of emotional issues this woman had and all the things her husband dealt with. He was very patient, she said.

After breaking up with my last boyfriend and a year of online dating on and off I put up one last profile in which I declared  that I was “Looking for a miracle.” I certainly got some interesting responses. One guy sent me a message that read, “Miracle huh? Are you really that bad?” This made me laugh but at the same time made me wonder… Was I?

It’s safe to say everybody has issues and there I was back on the couch with a new domestic violence counselor. It was extremely humbling this time around, because when I surveyed her bookshelf,  I recognized the names of many acquaintances from the writing world… But there I was, again. And why?

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Filed under Dating, Friendship, Growth, Heart, Life Lessons, Love, relationships, Sexual Assault

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by | June 1, 2012 · 11:12 pm

Are You Closed Hearted?

After watching one too many Good Morning America interviews, my mother came to the conclusion “Hayley, you’re just like Taylor Swift.” Outright sounded like a compliment as Taylor Swift is pretty, talented and rich, but it wasn’t. She meant that I was just like Taylor Swift in the sense that I too keep getting my heart broken and dumped by guys though, like Taylor Swift, I too am somewhat talented and successful (on a much smaller scale of course 😉 ). The similarities are endless because like Taylor Swift, my “art” is inspired by my life. What would I write about if I didn’t have so many dating horror stories? And why do people like me and Taylor Swift keep getting dumped? The answer lies within the heart chakra.

heart chakra

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Filed under Healing, Heart, Life Lessons, Love, Passion, relationships

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by | May 29, 2012 · 11:46 pm

The Illusion of Love

Butterflies emerge from the darkness of the cocoon to greet the light and fly.  What a feeling that must be!  There is such a lightness to falling in love and to be uplifted by the attention of another person is an uplifting high full of hope and possibilities.  The reality of Love is that although it will transform you, it can be quite painful.

The evolution of a love affair is a steady progression of acts and communication.  It is like when a woman gives birth to a baby; she sees the power of existence it is overwhelming.  The steady love that can develop over a lifetime between a mother and child is subject to all sorts of challenges.  Life is not static.  It evolves and swirls around us in illusions.

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Filed under Dating, Destiny, Friendship, Heart, Love, relationships, Sex

by | May 8, 2012 · 6:31 pm

Becoming Whole

I remember the first day I babysat Melanie. I was in college and a local family hired me to watch her four days a week. Things went really well during the initial consultation. The meeting was arranged to see if she liked me. I did her nails and then we did a puzzle. She did like me, of course, and there I was again the next Monday morning. We waved from the window as her mother drove off. This job is going to be so easy, I remember thinking… And then as soon as her mother’s car was out of site, she burst out screaming and crying. She was only four years old at the time and I was too ignorant to realize that four year olds are essentially the emotional equivalent of year old babies.

My eyes bugged out of my head. I stared at her unsure of what to do. I grew up as an only child and lived a extremely solitary existence for most of my young and adult life. I had minimal experience with children up until that point. Thankfully an inkling of maternal instinct kicked in. I picked her up and soothed her until she stopped crying.

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by | May 3, 2012 · 6:53 pm

Love like this

Not long ago, I was having an email conversation with a friend who was going through some heart ache. My friend told me her story then asked for my thoughts, but not before she apologized for whining.

“You’re not whining,” I said. “You’re hurting out loud. You have to listen to your heart on whether or not you want to continue on if this other person finishes their lesson. Listen within to what your spirit tells you is good for you, don’t listen to your desires. Listen to what will be Good For Your Soul.”

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Filed under Destiny, Growth, Healing, Heart, Inspirational, Life Lessons, Love, relationships

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by | April 19, 2012 · 7:14 pm

Now I understand love

Yesterday was my dog’s birthday. Well, it would’ve been. I know I have told this story a million times but hear me out. I had always wanted a little girl dog. My parents took me to a farm. When we pulled up to it, you could see a small play pen in the yard holding three little white puppies. We got out of the car and the lady asked me to help her carry one of the puppies. She handed me one and when it looked into my eyes, for some reason I knew that this was the only dog for me. But it was a boy dog and I wanted a girl… I debated. I knew that if I didn’t pick this puppy, based on whatever it was I saw in his eyes and him in mine, that I would regret it for the rest of my life. I am glad I listened to my heart that day.

I was so tired Saturday morning. QT Pie had been sick that night and I must’ve taken him outside five times. Well actually that could describe every night that week, him waking me up to take him outside five times… or maybe for the last month, I have lost track.  He was starting to get antsy again. I woke up and looked at him. He was staring at me. More like gazing, a loving gaze, really.

When I found out he had renal failure, a month or two earlier,  I spent the night alone crying in the living room. He soon appeared out of nowhere to comfort me like he always had. This of course made me even more upset. Whenever I cried, since I first got him as a 12- year old child, he would lick the tears off of my face and lay down next to me until I felt better.

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Filed under Friendship, Healing, Heart, Journal, Life Lessons, Love

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by | April 4, 2012 · 9:00 am

Becoming the woman I used to be

Lay, Lady, Lay

by Bob Dylan

 

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed

Whatever colors you have in your mind

I’ll show them to you and you’ll see them shine.

 

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed

Until the break of day, let me see you make him smile

His clothes are dirty but his hands are clean

And you’re the best thing that he’s ever seen.

 

Stay, lady, stay, stay with your man awhile

Why wait any longer for the world to begin

You can have your cake and eat it too

Why wait any longer for the one you love

When he’s standing in front of you.

 

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed

Stay, lady, stay, stay while the night is still ahead

I long to see you in the morning light

I long to reach for you in the night

Stay, lady, stay, stay while the night is still ahead?

 

I’ve been too sad lately, it’s been 8 years and I should be over my former husband by now. Everyone wants me to be over it, so that’s how I pretend to be. I miss more than the man, I miss who I was with him. How easy it was to be myself, think what I wanted, feel what I wanted, express what I wanted, be quiet when I wanted. He thought so highly of me, more than I deserved. He was a plain man, quiet, funny with his close friends and  tough as hell, he treated waitresses like they were princesses and his word was gold. I was so proud that someone that good loved me. I don’t do well in captivity but like anyone else I want a soft place to land, and he was mine.

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Filed under Dreams, Fairy Tales, Growth, Healing, Heart, Life Lessons, Love, relationships

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by | March 27, 2012 · 3:33 pm

What if You Had a Fire and No One Came but Sweet Valley High?

Part 2

Life after the house fire became like the movie Groundhog Day. Every day was the same and I could not see any light at the end of the tunnel. I had no family to call and vent my grief as the only member still alive was my sister. Through constant interference not of our own doing we had not spoken in a few years. I just couldn’t seem to pick up the phone and make the first move because I was stupid.

Life was filled with menial things like picking out wallpaper and hand painting a lot of trim. The firemen had given us a couple of boxes that were decorated like Christmas presents. They had not wanted the kids to be upset so they had wrapped up the perished pets as gifts. Since it was in the dead of winter I could not bury them so I made a tiny raft and sent them down the river.

whyme

The last pet standing was Snoopy who was an emotional mess and he now slept his life away. The dog knew things were out of his control like I did and had lost his friends in the fire so he literally gave up. I would go upstairs every few hours and coax him down to eat or go outside. But most of the time I just hugged him and cried.

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by | · 12:17 am

Conform!

Most artists in this country are greatly under-appreciated. When I refer to most artists, I am not talking about the musicians and actors who are bringing home multimillion dollar paychecks each year. No. I’m talking about the artists who are barely getting by and if they’re lucky, still living in their parent’s basements. These artists are hanging onto their last thread of identity, uselessly dragging their fingernails through the sand as the undertow of conformity threatens to pull them in at any moment. They are almost drowning, almost. They are tired. Tired of rejection, tired of trying, and most of all tired of fighting the culture of conformity; an entity that berates their life’s choices at every opportunity. Most give up, some drown, but a small percentage hang in there, hoping that each new day might be the day that they get their big break.

The pressure to conform is immense. It does not just come from “well-meaning” friends and family who think the solution to the artist’s problems is to get a regular 9-to-5 like everybody else. These people do not understand the call the artist is pursuing to begin with. What they’ve noticed is that the artist in their life is struggling; that they don’t have health insurance and barely enough money to pay for gas. In their eyes, these dilemmas are reason enough for the artist to give up on their unrealistic pursuit, their dream, and get a real job. And they view the artistic pursuit as just that: a dream. To them, the artist’s goal of sharing their art with the world is an unattainable fantasy.

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