Tag Archives: pain

Residual Pain

Last night, I volunteered at the animal shelter. I always loved animals but started volunteering around the time I began attending rape counseling. Those memories had long been suppressed and by the time I finally got around to speaking to someone about them, I was in bad shape. I was definitely suffering from some sort of PTSD and was terrified of people as well as the most benign circumstances. In counseling, I talked about being date raped. I felt better after talking to someone and being validated. You see, I blamed myself for being raped, because I willingly entered the situation: I went over my “friends” house to watch the Superbowl and have a few beers. That was twelve Superbowls ago. A night that started off fun ended with a lot of memory loss, inability to determine sequence of events, physical pain, and then a loss of said friends -but not before an inquisition from said friends in which they slyly tried to determine what I remembered of the night, if anything at all.

For the next decade I did what I wanted to do fearlessly. I did not worry about consequences. I did not care. It wasn’t until after rape counseling that I developed a new and unsightly complex. Though I expected the counseling to make things better it did and it didn’t. Though I now felt validated, receiving formal counseling and talking about what happened opened up a can of worms. After going on a date or hanging out with a man alone, I would go home and scrutinize the night’s events, piecing them together again and again worrying to myself about whether or not something happened. The basis for this fear was a fear that during the date, I had some sort of memory loss, though I was fully conscious and sober the entire time. I would agree with most people, that this is pretty nutty, however, the fear was very real and debilitating. Once the anxiety began it took off like a speeding train. It could go on and on for hours and sometimes days. God bless the people around me who patiently listened to me and reassured me that it was unlikely that anything happened, and reassured me that I would remember it.

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Filed under Animal Rights, Domestic Violence, Healing, Sexual Assault


1. One small candle holder that says Sanda and Dean’s Jack and Jill

 2. A picture frame from Nick and Beth’s Wedding

3. A small black guitar pick.

4. A chip on one of my front teeth.

5. A small scar above my left eye

The items I could throw out, I didn’t, and the scars on my person are reminders I’ll never be able to get rid of.

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Filed under Growth, Healing, Life Lessons, Love, relationships

What Do Mean People Hate the Most?

There is one thing that drives mean people crazy. It can drive them into fury and attack mode.  Half the time the catalyst doesn’t even realize they did anything infuriating.

When I was a school kid, I got bullied big time by three kids on my bus. It went on from the time I was in 3rd grade until 7th grade. Somewhere along the lines one of my bully’s father got sick and died. I felt really really bad for him, and even though he had made my life hell, and did some serious damage that residually effects my self esteem, I sent him a sympathy card.

When he eventually returned to school after his father’s death, he was quiet for a few days then started in on me again worse than ever. His older sister reprimanded him, reminding him that I had been kind enough to send him a card, but he never stopped harassing me, in fact he got worse.

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Filed under Life Lessons, Uncategorized