I Am a Priority Not an Option

Believe it or not, even with the career success I’ve had thus far, my life is far from perfect. I am of course grateful for the opportunities I’ve gained and work hard every day to become better and better. Being human, however, I am infallible and I end up in really bad relationships a lot of the time.

I am a hopeless romantic, this might actually problem numero uno. When you think in Cinderella terms, the love at first sight and other promises many men are more than willing to deliver are taken to heart far too prematurely. Growing up with abuse and neglect I am forever searching for a person that I can rely on. It is not one sided. I would love the opportunity to be someone’s rock as well, to really step up to the challenge and be there for someone else selflessly.

Rape, domestic violence, abuse, I’ve been through it all, and I am an open book. I’m not hiding my life story nor am I brandishing it without request. I feel that good can come out of the bad things that happened to me. I believe sharing my story is one way to validate these traumatic experiences while helping others heal.

Like many of the artistic and literary predecessors before me, I am neurotic. Yup, just a little bit. This doesn’t translate well into relationships, well that’s according to the people I’ve dated. I’m not sure if I believe them, however. For one, my friends haven’t left me yet despite my anxiety and neurosis. If I was truly that bad, I’m sure they wouldn’t have stuck around this long.  Secondly, I have many good qualities that certainly outweigh the bad ones. I am loving, compassionate, kind, I will do anything to help.

In the past, I dated men who turned out to be abusive. After my last abusive relationship, in which my boyfriend almost smothered me to death, I finally became a fighter. I already was a survivor, but survivor, though a better stance than victim, is still more of a passive term. From a survivor you must become a fighter in order to keep your life going in a positive direction; to keep from falling back into your old victim mentality patterns. I knew that night after my life had been spared that I would never be in another domestic violence situation.

I was right. No more abusive relationships. What did happen in the aftermath is that I had no idea how normal relationships functioned. I was use to the abusive ones, where the guy comes on really strong to win you over and then once he’s sucked you in, the real person appears. The lack of validation and attention from the new people I was dating confused me. Then again, why did I need their validation? I am secure in myself. Was it hard to believe they were genuinely interested in me? Yes. Or maybe I felt like their non-chalance towards our budding relationship was more of a lack of interest. Like I was an option not a priority.

I started to feel really bad, to become more needy with these guys in order to gain their validation. If they didn’t call when they said they’d call, my mind twisted the scenario so I wouldn’t be let down again. I wouldn’t be disappointed if he didn’t call me back, because I would never know that he didn’t call if I called him first. No answer. Damn. So now what? Text and call again? Bad move, Hayley.

Was it trust issues or was I just an option? With trust issues you can never know how anything will go for certain unless you sabotage it. Maybe that’s what I do. Maybe that’s what I did. I do know one thing though, neurotic or not, I’m nobody’s option.