In the event that a Knight in Shining Armor arrives at your doorstep, tell him to get lost. Seriously.
Over the years, I have run into a few of these seemingly gallant fellows. They come riding in strong and confident on this beautiful white horse called Promises. Promises to love you, promises to protect you, and their main intention is to save you from yourself. Maybe you have a drinking problem or maybe it’s stress or psychological, whatever it is, it is clear that when he arrives, you are at a weakened state. That is where the promises come in.
Through all these promises, he is offers you a better life, if you would just get on the horse and ride into the sunset with him. It sounds like a great deal, what could go wrong? The answer to that is everything, everything could go wrong. For one, why does he want to take the time out of his life to devote so much effort to fixing yours? It seems like something a nice guy would do, right? Wrong. By buying into this man’s offer to fix your life and agreeing to get on the Promise that he is going to save you from the self inflicted pain you’ve been unable to save yourself from, you are giving up your self-control. He is not focusing his time and energy on your life out of kindness, he is doing this because his life is an even bigger mess than yours!
By allowing him to save you, you essentially allow him call the shots in your life. At first it might be comforting to have such a kind knight to be there for you and help you make better decisions. However, in the beginning, they are only being so obliging and nice to get you comfy and settled to their castle. Before you know it, Prince Charming turns into your Worst Nightmare. Once you become accustomed to what seems like support and kindness, they slam the tower door shut and lock you in. Now you are looking out the window like Rapunzel, with no easy escape route.
After initially allowing this “knight” to help get your life on track, it is not until much later, that you realize you have given him full control over yourself. He has tricked and manipulated you through the guise of kindness. He has extended his hand in the ruse of empathy and teamwork. In reality, he has tricked you into believing that you actually cannot save you from you and that’s where he comes in; he has brainwashed you to believe that you need him and without him you will fall back into all your negative behaviors and habits and then some. Not only will you fall out of grace with out him. This demise will only be amplified because you will feel like your life is spinning out of control when you lose him.
When the knight in shining armor shows up and it feels like it’s too good to be true, believe me when I say it is. In actuality, this scenario describes the makings and trappings of an abusive relationship. When vultures search for food, are they going to go after the injured animal on the side of the road, or the agile lively one? The knight knows exactly what he is doing and would never try this crap with a stronger woman.
By the time you have realized what has happened you are locked in the tower. At this point, you might even have a few kids in there with you. The knight isn’t so nice anymore. He used to be helpful and enjoyed going out of his way to please you but now when you ask him to so the same things he used to take pride in doing for you he yells, becomes violent, or just refuses to assist you. He no longer has interest in helping you heal or even hearing about the details of your day. You begin to wonder what exactly he is good for. Despite the fact thats these knights often do not contribute anything financially to the relationship once they get you in their tower, a huge emotional deficit begins to set in. He just wants you to shut up and until he is bored or wants something from you, and even that becomes a rare occasion.
Abusers come into your life and convince you that it will be better with them in it. You believe them and put your trust in them without realizing you are locking yourself up and throwing away the key. You have bought into the idea that you need them to sustain your level of happiness and/or order. What has actually happened is the old bait and switch: from the moment you became dependent on them or began love them, the abuse began.
In the end you will leave the relationship one way or another. Whether you leave willingly or he ends up putting you in the hospital or murdering you, it will one day end. When you leave willingly you will see that you are still the same person you were when you went in. The whole experience didn’t help you or change your life for the better. All it did is waste your time. The void he filled is now empty just like it was in the beginning.
The truth is, you are not a half-person, you never were, and you certainly do not need him to survive. In fact, though you may have been miserable before he came along, in retrospect after experiencing his abuse, you realize that he only complicated matters and gave you something to cry about. You are starting again from the place you began before he showed up. In fact, he may have even set you back a little. Now you have the choice to save yourself or wait for the next Knight in Shining Armor to come along and whisk you away to his beautiful castle in Never Never Land, where your personal growth will be stunted until you come back to the real world again, if you make it back this time. Existing in Peter Pan time is safe because you always know what to expect because nothing much ever changes yet everything stays painfully stagnant forever.
Next time a Knight in Shining Armor offers to whisk you away on his horse called Promises, just tell him you have a bridge in Brooklyn you’d like to sell him.
people do help save you but the individual still has to do the heavy lifting. if no one could help save you we wouldn’t need sponsors, therapists, doctors, support groups, ect, one should not look to another person to do the work which only you can do. a person’s partner can help bring focus and stability to one and even be a muse and spur. history has numerous examples of this. i think this type of thing not only occurs in relationships but on the larger stage as well. people look for the man on horseback who can rally the nation in it’s time of trouble. and like in relationships sometimes it doesn’t work out so well.
In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.
Albert Camus
All those occupations you listed are great points! As you know, I am more specifically referencing how a weak person can get involved into a codependent/ abusive relationship. Thanks for commenting Paul!!
no problem HR. i didn’t take you for a disciple of Ayn Rand. the problem is how can one help the weak person build the confidence to stand on their own. if i had an easy solution i would be rich. when i sat in on some group sessions for a psych class the thing that amazed me most was how many in the groups had such incredible Low self esteem. the Psych Prof. said that this was not uncommon. some was likely for biological reasons but most he felt were the result of family dynamics growing up. the old saying ” the child is the father to the man.” may be too true
It is really too hard to comment,as i would not like to comment;as i have to mention only that “It is the bearer who exactly knows where the shoe pinches”.
Hayley you are really having the most daring genes and i simply say that “you be blessed always”….