Scars

1. One small candle holder that says Sanda and Dean’s Jack and Jill

 2. A picture frame from Nick and Beth’s Wedding

3. A small black guitar pick.

4. A chip on one of my front teeth.

5. A small scar above my left eye

The items I could throw out, I didn’t, and the scars on my person are reminders I’ll never be able to get rid of.

1. The candle holder sits on my desk by my computer. It symbolizes the first time I should’ve left one of my ex boyfriends, when he lost it at a wedding and refused to give me my purse and phone back unless I sat in his car (where my items were). I told him, I will sit in the car if you promise not to drive anywhere. He floored it. It was a rainy night, he was wasted, and I will never forget my fear of death as his Mustang fish-tailed up and down I-91 sliding from one lane to the next.

2. This was the event ended that relationship. See “Have you ever had a Tina Turner Moment.”

3. The guitar pick was given to me by the last guy who said he loved me and didn’t mean it; he of course, also happens to be the last guy who said he loved me.

4. The chip is my own fault. Years of anorexia and bulimia. Well my dentist seemed to think I “bit the fork”…well I guess that’s an interesting way of describing it.

5. The small scar above my left eye also stems from the ex boyfriend, see “Have you ever had a Tina Turner Moment.”

While there’s nothing I can do about my tooth or the scar above my eye, I could very well throw the other objects out and never have to look at them again, so why don’t I? Like the scars resulting from a painful accident, every time I look at these objects I am reminded of the emotional pain; in my mind I relive certain memories from the night’s where I received the objects. The first two trinkets are painful reminders of the sheer hatred and evil that my ex-boyfriend showed towards me. I feel the terror and pain I felt those nights every time I look at them, yet they still serve a purpose in my life.

The guitar pick causes a different kind of sadness. At the time I was very hopeful about this new relationship, after breaking up with the psychopath. The new guy and I got along well, but more importantly, it was the first time I felt anything for anyone in years, so when he said he loved me I believed him. It didn’t last very long, and he was just lying to me. The pick just makes me feel sad because my hope for the new relationship ended in such disappointment. That paired with the other items and incidents was devastating.

Still I cannot throw these objects out. They are reminders of my past; reminders of where I should never go again.

When I was in college I had a boyfriend who was a bad alcoholic. During that relationship, I put up with a lot of crap and should’ve exited it within the first week of dating; though I ended up staying over a year. A few nights ago I had a dream about him. I was back in the dorms and it was the beginning of our relationship all over again. His drinking was getting out of control and I said, “see ya,” and walked out without thinking twice. The way I acted in my dream was so out of the ordinary from any way I ever acted in real life with these men. I immediately woke up panic stricken because the decisiveness I exhibited in the dream felt so real. I knew that I would never allow this to happen to me again.

The items are reminders that I embrace. They remind me what I will never put up with again. Most of them are sitting right on my desk.

I have come a long way. Though my tooth will never be whole, it too is a reminder, a reminder for me to take care of myself always.

Though I have come a long way and grown as a person, I am still single. I don’t need a man in my life but I want one, yet haven’t met the right one. My career and my heath have far surpassed the condition of my love life. Perhaps it is because for the most part, I never doubted these areas of my life, but when it comes to men, I have no such luck. A few days ago, I finally realized why: somewhere in my brain was the deep seeded belief that a nice guy doesn’t actually exist for me.

In the past, when I had a job interview, I went in knowing I would get the job, and ended up getting it. With dating I don’t have the same assurance. It does not stem from a lack of confidence; I have confidence. It stems from my scars, the past, and all of the pain and conditioning that went along with it. I finally realized that until I believe that there is really a wonderful person out there for me that will one day enter my life- it’s not going to happen. After realizing this, I began to truly believe.

This morning I had a nightmare about my past. After I awoke, I went outside for a breather. As I sat by the flower garden, I wondered why certain things, bad things, had happened to me. The universe promptly answered my thoughts,“You came so close to death so you could be reborn. Only calls this close can make one truly appreciate life. Like the legend of the Phoenix you have torn down the old you and been reborn into something the old you could’ve never imagined.” What was spoken didn’t just apply to me but to all of us who actually took those bad times and used them to grow rather than allow them to destroy our lives and spirits permanently.

Though they fade, we can never really get rid of our scars, but sometimes this is a good thing. Are there any “useful” scars that help keep you on the right path?