Top Ten List of My Most Stellar Online Dating Experiences

Okay so it’s still a bit taboo: online dating. Since I work from home 90% of the time, online dating has been an effective way to meet members (or at least talk to) of the opposite sex. Everyone told me not to do it but as usual, I found a way to rationalize it and convince myself that it was a good idea. Half the people I work with I’ve never met in person. I have never met any of my editors, colleagues, or readers and from what I know of them they all seem like pretty stellar people. So what’s wrong with meeting potential dates online?

Well as it turns out it is different and the same. For one, it differs from the other people I’ve worked with online in the sense that they were decent and the guys I met online all seemed to be self centered man-children. Yet it is similar to actual dating in the sense that 99% of the guys I meet in “real life” end up being jerks. Online 100% of the men I’ve met (thus far) have turned out to be jerks. Statistically the success rate of relationships with men I met online is virtually the same as the success I had with the men I met in person. Shocking, I know!

Though the experiences I’ve had since I began online dating would make a great book, today I’ve decided to share with you some of the highlights of my online dating experience. So below is my Top Ten List of My Most Stellar Online Dating Experiences

10. I received an email from a guy who was several years younger than me. I was a little iffy about talking to him because even when I was his age, I didn’t want to date guys his age. From what I remember they were very immature and horny. Anyways, one day he casually asked me what my hobbies were. I listed a few off and then he told me about his hobbies; baseball, football, working on cars, and sex. Ummm….ya that was the first and last time I talked to him.

9. A very attractive muscular guy messaged me. We began to talk back and fourth through email, but something about the words he choose and his profile pictures gave me the feeling he had some sort of anger problem some sort of edge. I knew it was probably a good idea to stop talking to him at that point, but I wanted to know more. I am very intuitive and for some reason, I began to think that maybe he was some sort of convict. The more we talked, the more I got him to tell me about himself, well, you know what they say about curiosity and the cat. He finally spills it, he was in prison for 6 years. 6 YEARS! I wondered what he did but didn’t want to find out, somehow I got the feeling whatever it was was violent. Manslaughter maybe? I gave him some lame excuse as to why it would never work out between the two of us. For the next week I kept my fingers crossed that I didn’t piss him off and that he wasn’t going to track me down and kill me…

8. A girlfriend of mine who happens to be a lesbian also joined the dating site. Occasionally she would send me links to the profiles of different women she was interested to see what I thought. Though she never listened to my opinion, I always checked out their profiles for her anyways. One day one of the women started instant messaging me. I hadn’t realized I was logged in when I viewed her profile, therefore she knew I had visited. She asked me why I visited her page. I told her about my friend and how wonderful and attractive she was, but it all fell on deaf ears. She very blatently said, “She’s not my type…but you are.” I tried to steer the conversation towards my friend to no avail. The woman continued to ask questions about me. Needless to say, my friend was not very pleased.

7. It’s funny that you sometimes bump into people you actually know from real life on these online dating sites. One person I bumped into was a guy who dumped me after I told him that I’d been raped. He sent me a message apologizing for being a jerk and then a few weeks later asked me on another date! I didn’t think I looked that good in my profile pictures…Talk about ulterior motives…

6. Then there was the guy who invited me to go with him to a beach party on Block Island. I was really excited somehow I had never been there. At the last minute he implied that he was now doing something else that Saturday. “You mean the day we’re suppose to go to Block Island?” I asked.

“Yup,” he responded and then began to speak in vague terms “Block Island will be there all summer. Can go anytime.” Where did his pronouns run off to? That Saturday I was pretty miserable. What was interesting was the increased frequency with which he began texting me. Out of guilt perhaps? He told me that he was now he was partying in New London. That’s strange. New London is where you catch the ferry to Block. Maybe he went without me? The next day someone posted a picture on Facebook. It was a picture of a beach party. In the background of the picture a man was passing by. There was no doubt in my mind that it was him and his unmistakable bald head. The next day we arranged to go on another date: and just like Block Island, he went without me, because this time I didn’t show up.

5. Then there was the guy I befriended. We talked for months, met up for coffee on occasion and went hiking together. He was much younger than me and very full of himself. I didn’t find him particularly attractive but he thought I did. I preferred to keep our relationship on a friend level. I visited his place one time and as I was leaving he said “ Now that you know where I live you won’t show up here uninvited will you?” I raised my eyebrows in disdain, “Don’t worry,” I began, “Not only will I not show up uninvited, but I won’t show up invited either,” and walked away.

4. I received an email from a man who had the “pushing forty and lives in his mom’s basement” look down to a “T.” I went to his online profile to find out a little more about him, yup he was in his thirties, and under his profession he had listed his job as “Stay at Home Son.” Boy, I’m good.

3. One guy I met online was cute but had weird eyes that were a little creepy. I can’t judge someone based on their eyes, I told myself and proceeded to talk to him. It wasn’t long before the conversation moved towards sex. He was freaky, he told me, and wanted to know if I was too. I thought about it for a minute. To me, freaky mean’t different things. Some people might interpret it as meaning a person who likes to have sex all the time, hence they are a “freak,” while others would view it as a person who enjoys sexual activities and role play that goes against what is deemed conventional by the masses. Curious about what he was getting at I responded,

“Depends. What is your definition of freaky?”

“Well,” he wrote back, “I like to watch porn like 2 Girls One Cup.”

“Seriously ?“ I asked hoping he was joking, hoping to give him the benefit of the doubt

“Well regular porn gets boring after watching it for so long,” he replied.

“Hmm…well that’s a little too freaky for my taste, bye.”

I told my therapist about this. She had never heard of “2 Girls One Cup.” She was going to go home and Google it after our session. I spent the next few days chuckling at the thought of my therapist watching “2 Girls One Cup.” After watching that, my therapist was going to need a therapist.

2. I received a message in my inbox from a man who said, “On our first date, I’d like to give you a licensed massage.” Though he may have been a licensed masseur the thought of a person getting a sneak peek of my body on only our first date really creeped me out. After reading the message, I went to his profile to look at his pictures. One of the pictures caught my eye, it was of him and Eliot Spitzer being chummy. I don’t mean to be judgmental but what sort of message was he trying to send potential dates by putting up pics of him hanging out with Eliot Spitzer?

1. One of the dates I went on was with a doctor. We went to a local sushi place. He started off the date by texting and ignoring me. When he did talk, he talked about himself and medical school. Not only did he not ask one question about me, but he barely made eye contact with me the entire night. As we were leaving the restaurant, he offered gallantly to walk me to my car. Oh great, I hope he doesn’t try to kiss me. Of course, he made a move to kiss me. “No,” I said. He looked at me like I was nuts.

“No goodbye kiss?”

“Umm. No.” I repeated.

“Whatever” he said and stormed off to his own vehicle. We got into our respective cars and left. He didn’t know I was behind him, or at least I don’t think he did because a few stores down from the restaurant was a porn shop. He immediately pulled into it’s parking lot, got out of his car, and walked in. I watched in my rear-view mirror in horror as I drove away.

So most of those stories were pretty epic in my opinion. Bad epic of course, but epic nonetheless. I have come to no conclusion. Perhaps online dating is a bad idea but I’m pretty sure if I thought hard enough, with ease I could muster up an equally awesome “Top Ten List of My Most Stellar “Real Life” Dating Experiences.”