Ass Clowns Are Forever

I will never understand why some people end up marrying the first people they date and why people like me can date a million men and have all of them turn out the same- never finding one guy that ends up being decent. After the first handful of weddings of friends and relatives that were so limited in gene pool that in most states it would be illegal to marry the majority of the people in the room- weddings when you sometimes end up having to dance with your cousins (of the same sex even!) it started to wear on you. Especially when you become older then the bride. That really sucks. But you had to go because somebody’s got to be there to miss the bouquet!

I have missed the bouquet several times and for several reason. Many a wedding I drank too much and happened to be in the bathroom when it was thrown. Aw shucks on the first time that happened (as my cousin had it rigged and was gonna throw it right to me!). Then there was the time my friend’s thrice-divorced aunt stood right in front of me at the last minute and ended up catching it. There is no way I would’ve missed if it wasn’t for her Walmart-loving tank ass. Sorry. I’m still a little miffed about that one.

Since then, I have arrived at my physical and sexual peak. I have never felt better and more confident than I do now. What really sucks about this is that I am single! I feel like my body is on reserve in the same way a person stores pantry items and bottles of water for some sort of natural disaster- a hurricane or something-just hiding the goods in the basement until the right time. However, sometimes hurricanes pass by or die out and these products expire before they ever see the light of day. That’s what I am afraid is going to happen to me.

I don’t really care about sex, that much. After you don’t have it for a while, you grow accustomed. You almost become asexual and after a long period of time those feelings become easier to turn off. It’s just a shame in the sense that I see myself at a physical, mental, and emotional high point. But then again perhaps I shouldn’t complain. I certainly would be regretting it now if I slept with any of the assclowns I went out with this summer. In fact, you could say 2011 was the Summer of Ass Clowns (read about it here). The last one was such an idiot that he didn’t even make the cut for my book about failed relationships (there’s more to the book than that of course, will tell you later). Nope. He wasn’t good enough.

I am actually pretty picky when it comes to hopping in the sack. Probably more conservative than most. I just can’t handle it emotionally like some people claim they can. Call me old fashioned, but I need to know that the person might actually call me the next day, because when they haven’t it’s been devastating. This is me we’re talking about. Not Hayley Light or Hayley Low Fat. Nope Intense 100% Hayley.

A few weeks ago I had a dream I was in the middle of a raging inferno. I had never had a dream about fire before. It was extremely vivid. In my life it probably correlated with the beginning of being jerked around by the guy I was dating and my subconscious didn’t know what to make of it. Everything felt so out of my control- because it was. How could someone talk such a good talk and then when I show interest (though I wasn’t so sure at first) act so incongruently? This is how it went.

He said he wants to get married, have kids, is looking for a relationship. None of what I was looking for or wanted. He hates living alone, is lonely, wishes he had a girlfriend because he would’ve liked to throw a Halloween party. Wow, he is whiney, but I am kinda feelin’ him. Says he is looking for a best friend first and wants to take things slow. He would’ve won major points with me right there if I wasn’t so cynical, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt regardless.

I didn’t want any of that- marriage, kids, not even a relationship. I am a busy woman! But like an informercial early in the morning, when one’s will has already been worn down and  common sense is taking a nap, the Miracle Mop starts to sound like a great idea- cha, like the best idea ever! It was a long summer full of heartbreak and disillusion. If only I wasn’t so stupid. Good thing my grandmother isn’t alive to see me now. We all have our weaknesses I guess. After the Summer of Ass Clowns, meeting someone like him was a breath of fresh air, until he started to become Mr. Unreliable.

I respected him so much at first. The way he wanted to take things slow physically or so he said. The way he didn’t try to kiss me on the first date. The way he kept his hands in check. It would be nice- to actually wait and really get to know someone before having sex with them; for it to mean something. In fact, he said that himself! In my head I agreed and thought that it would be equally nice not to burst into tears after having sex with someone for the first time (my last two long term boyfriends both pressured me sooner than I was ready- me sobbing and running out of the room and taking off in my truck was the result- I hope it was worth it lol).

Yup he easily wore down my iron will- I didn’t really need to follow through with my plans for next year- going on the road to become a busker- did I? All he had to do was drop a few key words- and my imagination did the rest. Damn subliminal messaging! Suddenly I was thinking maybe kids were a good idea and a formal wedding wouldn’t be that bad.

Though being unmarried and alone had plenty of perks as well, he said all these wonderful things but with every new date he called and texted me less and less until he finally fell off the face of the planet only to resurface ask me out and cancel on me at the last minute. I guess one of the perks of being single would be not ending up marrying someone like him. Boy I was pissed. No, not really. It’s sad. I don’t get mad, I get hurt. I internalize everything. I was really disappointed to be honest because when I met him, my love life appeared to be looking up, at least momentarily. Then there was a lot more of leaving me hanging and blowing me off. Then he got my wrath.

I don’t usually put up with that much consistent bull shit- but I was still thinking that this was a nice guy. He kept canceling on me for work related reasons- oh and when he left me hanging it was because he conveniently fell asleep. Things were fishy- but still I didn’t want to believe that my prince was a sorry excuse of a toad. Because if that were true, there would be no holidays together or going to see Christmas lights together, no gifting him cute Christmas ornaments for his apartment (as he complained on several occasions that he doesn’t decorate for Christmas because he’s alone and being alone on Christmas is depressing so why bother?).

I never found being alone on Christmas to be depressing except for the year I broke up with my first boyfriend. I was doing relatively well but was still a little sore and then I unwrapped a gift from my mother, the book, He’s Just Not That Into You. As always, thanks, Mom! No, Christmas doesn’t usually phase me, nor does Valentine’s Day. There’s one holiday that has me spinning my wheels to find a date however, one holiday that since I was 16 I have maybe been alone one time on it and that holiday is the Fourth of July.

I cannot bare to watch fireworks alone. I can’t picture myself sprawled out on the grass on a blanket all by myself. This issue didn’t do me very well this year- in fact Fourth of July kicked off when Ass Clown #1 made a brief appearance in my life. I would be lying if I said I didn’t dive head first at the chance to watch fireworks with him from his beach house on the Connecticut shoreline. That relationship died like a screamer firework initially makes a loud noise and quickly fizzles out leaving barely a trail of it’s existence in the sky.

So maybe next year I should reconsider this tradition. It’s not like I learned nothing at all from all this…well maybe. For one, I will not get emotionally involved until a man had thoroughly proven himself- if I give him the chance. Yes, I am going to be like that traditional female character in most movies who swears off dating and perpetually turns down the cute leading man no matter how many fire escapes he climbs to give her roses and what not. I will be single on the Fourth of July and I will go to the fireworks. It will be just me laying there on a beach blanket looking up at the sky maybe not without care in the world but certainly without a nosegay!