Heaven

Last weekend, I called a phone psychic. Yes, go ahead mock me, I know, what a waste of money, yes yes… Anyways, you are right- what a waste of money indeed! Especially since I am psychic and can read my own fortune (with the help of the local Chinese restaurant’s cookies, of course). Anyways, I asked her about my dog, would he be okay? “Hayley your dog is very sick and in a lot of pain. You need to do the right thing and put him to sleep.” Silently, I balked at this comment, as QT Pie has been to two different vets at least once a week for the last several months. He was not in pain, both vets assured me. And to put him down? Was she crazy? Send my dog to an executioner? He would be so scared, to go to the vet again and get a needle, or to have some stranger come to my home and give him a needle. I was not going to pay someone to murder my baby.

QT Pie has not been sleeping well and Saturday morning after a night of him waking me up several times, I woke to him gazing at me lovingly. It was like the first time we met. My parents took me to a farm where there were three white puppies playing in a playpen. I was hell bent on buying a girl puppy so I could put bows in her hair. The breeder asked me to help carry one of the puppies into the house. She handed me the puppy and I cradled it in my arms like a baby.  The the puppy looked up at me with this loving gaze and my heart sunk. It was the first time I ever felt this- this love at first sight, this feeling that if I don’t choose this spirit, and instead choose to walk away and choose someone else, it will be something  I regret for the rest of my life. Immediately I knew that this was the puppy I wanted. I sighed and hoped it was a girl, then looked down and saw that it had a penis. Damn it.
Once inside the house I debated. Would I get a girl or the boy. The two girls were yippy and annoying. They tumbled around attacking each other and the little boy who sat silently not really interacting much with them. It was a tough decision, but I decided to go with the boy (and to put bows in his hair when no one was looking). So Saturday morning I awake to him giving me this same look that he did when we met. I said to him that he was such a good boy and I petted his head and ears. I gave him a kiss and wrapped him in blankets. Then I moved him to another room in a dog bed so I could get some sleep but about 20 minutes later I checked on him and he was shaking. I picked him up and tried to calm him down but it was as if he was looking through me. Like I wasn’t there. I begged him to stop shaking, but it seemed that he was having a seizure and about 15 minutes later he died in my arms. I could not believe it.

Grief stricken, I did not want to bury him and began to understand why, as strange as it is, people get their dead pets stuffed. I held his lifeless body in my lap for a while. As soon as he died, it was as if he lost weight and became lighter, like a spirit really did leave his body. He was no longer QT Pie, but as listless as a teddy bear. His face did not look the same as it kind of twisted and contorted into something strange when his spirit exited in his final moments. When my father helped me bury him later that morning, I was truly one of those people who throw themselves on the casket and do not want the lid closed.

When I checked my email later that afternoon, I had an email telling me I had a free 5 minutes from that psychic. So I called her, why the hell not. I told her my dog died and she started to tell me about dog heaven. Ummm… I know I have a youthful sounding voice but I assure you, I really am 26 years old, not 11. Then she told me that dogs spirits go into something called an energy pool. This is total bullshit in my opinion. Well at least it was a free five minutes… My mother tried to console me and tell me that he was in heaven with my grandmother. This only pissed me off more, “Fuck heaven,” I responded. Why did heaven need my dog?

I started to wonder where he went. Seriously how can someone be here one minute and then completely gone the next? How could that be? I stopped seeing a point to life. If the point of life was to help other people and perform good deeds as some sort of fulfillment of a test I didn’t see the point was regardless of how well you scored- because in the end you just die, so isn’t it all in vain anyways? And for a while I lived life trying to have as much fun as possible, thinking that maybe the point of life was enjoying it- but soon it became clear that this theory of mine was also incorrect- as the things I wanted I did not get, and that of course, not getting what I wanted was no fun at all.

I think I will die young. Not because I am suicidal (I’m not) but because I just have that feeling. Also I worry about my gynecological health. When I got the ASCUS result on my test last year I was terrified. I know that it is usually a body part or something that caused you great mental pain in life that can kill you. I know that because I was raped there is a good chance something in that region will eventually kill me. There is too much focus down there and it is not a good kind of focus. This region of my body has been violated and I have never fully come to terms with that. It is something I have to deal with because it is part of my body a part that will always be with me, but it is focus like this that turns into cancer- the pain it has caused me can turn into a physical illness one day if I don’t get over it. Unfortunately, I cannot get over it and it will always affect who I am. How can I get over that? I imagine that if I ever get married I will die fairly young and that my husband will be sad because I was a nice person. Regardless I see an early grave in my distant future. My friends hate when I talk like this. At the same time I do not want to get old and sickly, so dying young and beautiful almost sounds like a pleasant experience. I only hope that I can finish everything I”ve set out to do before it happens and that I can write all my books, make some films, and meet and marry someone who will actually care about me.

I do think we truly stick around until our purpose in life has been accomplished. I guess my little dog QT Pie did a good job of accomplishing his. Though I don’t think I will ever truly believe that last sentence as I am greedy and want my friend back… Like I said before, fuck heaven.

(Oh and I apologize in advance for my blasphemy- I do not believe in Heaven or Hell- I believe that your karma is balanced in this life one way or the other and that Heaven and Hell are just excuses to justify actions -or non-actions- )

QT Pie Summer 2011