Only Chuck Norris Can Destroy… Chuck Norris

Great news! Today, Amazon’s Deal of the Day is 50% off Walker, Texas Ranger the COMPLETE series! In a recent public service announcement, Chuck warned us of the impending doom we may face should President Barack Obama be reelected in November. Warning first of socialism, Chuck repeated the most common anti-Obama talking points and demonstrated that even more than a decade after Walker’s season finale, he apparently take the fictional title of “Texas Ranger” too seriously. Mrs. Chuck soon took Chuck’s sentiments a step further and put the fear of God in viewers when she quoted a bone-chilling verse reminiscent of an end times pamphlet Jehovah’s Witnesses left on my doorstep last weekend.

“You and I have a rendezvous with destiny. We will preserve for our children this last best hope of man on earth, or we will sentence them to take the first step into a thousand years of darkness.”

Six years ago, I loved reading the hundreds of humorous Chuck Norris “facts” that were swirling around the Internet. If you haven’t heard of them before, the premise of these jokes are that Chuck Norris is very tough. The facts claimed that Chuck Norris is so tough that only Chuck Norris could destroy Chuck Norris or as he vindicated in his recent PSA, only Chuck Norris could cause Chuck Norris to lose whatever shred of dignity he had left after publicly supporting the Boy Scouts of America’s anti-gay policies.

The truth is I like Chuck. Instead of seeing him as a fearful anti-gay survivalist, I’d prefer to remember Chuck the way I used to think of him: that guy on the infomercials who looks damn good for 70 years old! Because who could dislike a man who says things like “All that is necessary for evil to triumph is that good men (and women) do nothing” (in reference to our President), and actually means it? Um… Sure Chuck, whatever you say… We cannot dislike this man. Just smile and nod, people. Smile and nod...

My late Polish grandmother used to love watching Walker, Texas Ranger. I didn’t exactly understand why she liked the show as there was no correlation with Walker and the other genres of television she enjoyed (she also liked to watch The Jerry Springer Show, General Hospital and Supermarket Sweep). With that point made, I will have to describe her taste in television as eclectic. Yes, we’ll go with eclectic. And I will never forget the day I came home after high school and my grandmother, who was 80-something at the time asked me,”Hayley, what is a ho?”

“What did you say?”

“A ho. What is a ho?” I was stunned by her response. Apparently I heard her right the first time.

“Babchi, where did you hear that word?”

“On Jerry Springer.”

Shortly before my grandmother died, I printed out a stack of Chuck Norris “Facts.” I would read them to her while she sat in her rocking chair. I’m not sure she quite got them, but she looked amused all the same. So below I’ve posted some funny Chuck Norris “Facts” in honor of my late grandmother who’s actually died six years ago today and Chuck Norris as I’d like to remember him (even if it is just an ignorant persona created by my imagination).

Here are some very amusing “Chuck Norris Facts.”

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got one.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about changing his clock twice a year for Daylight Savings Time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a joker, 2 of clubs, 7 of spades, green number 4 from Uno and a Monopoly “Get Out of Jail Free” card.

Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.