The Royal Baby Blues

I have the Royal Baby Blues. Yesterday, my mother and I tearfully watched the appearance of this new born royal on the public stage. Why am I crying? I wondered. An easy question to answer. In my brain I was calculating that Kate dated William for six years before they got married and had this baby. I am single and the last few years of my dating life has felt like I’ve been a stumbling zombie going bar to bar through some mediocre pub crawl. Sure it got me out of the house, but was it worth it?

Age is a factor. My fear of being single forever has really kicked into high gear in the last year as Prince Charming continues to elude me. I’m back at the pub crawl, I can’t just sit there and enjoy a beer as we go from bar to bar. I’m slamming down shots. I have an objective. I know what I want in the end and I am trying to get there as soon as possible. I no longer feel like time is on my side. I don’t have time for guys who want to “take things slow” because their idea of taking things slow still entails sex, companionship, and getting together yet no commitment. That was cool when I was 22 and the idea of marriage literally made me nauseous, but I’m not 22 anymore. Unlike what their packing, my eggs cannot live forever.

I never really wanted children. I was all about the career. I’m a career woman! I wrote a book! I have awards! I have all those things, but try cuddling up with a book each and every night alone. I’m starting to hate reading. I am thinking realistically. It is not that I want children, but I want the option to have them if I decide to want them and with no steady relationship in sight, it is scary that I don’t even have the possibility.

Well, it’s another day at the office. I am slamming perv guys who are emailing me on Plenty of Fish in between finishing up my work. One guy messaged “when are we gonna sweat together.” At this point I have no expectations, but I was curious if he was truly just being a perv.

“Sweat together? Where?” I asked, giving him plenty of rope to hang himself.

“Go hiking or something over near me,” well the guy lives the next state over. If he thinks I am driving to see him he is crazy. And a hike for a first date? Not only dangerous, but cheap. I have had it. It takes me over an hour to get ready for any date. I am a beautiful perfectionist and I will not look better than my best when I go out and time after time I spent hours getting ready to end up on a date where the guy doesn’t even want to pick up the tab for a $2 coffee. I have become an expert at screening them ahead of time and not even bothering.

“Something near u?” I innocently asked, ready to come in for the kill.

“What do u recommend?” he responded.

“Not going hiking on a first date.”

He then suggested coffee. Aw how thoughtful.

I am too busy and certainly not bored enough to drive a half hour across town to meet this fool for Dunkin Donuts. I would rather stay at my desk writing and pop in another Keurig than bother. It’s not about money it’s about effort and objective. At this point I would refuse the ritziest offer if I sensed it would not be going anywhere. I will just spend my time doing what has got me the farthest (work) and let the relationship chips fall where they may. You never know how your luck can change. So I beg the question: can you relate? Please share in the comments section.

So about that royal baby. Good for them. And for me, I will stay optimistic. You never know, maybe I will just find a baby like in The Hangover?

Stu Price: So, uh, are you sure you’re qualified to be taking care of that baby?
Alan Garner: What are you talking about? I’ve found a baby before.
Stu Price: You found a baby before? Where?
Alan Garner: Coffee Bean.