Category Archives: Healing

by | February 10, 2012 · 2:40 pm

The Love of My Life Has Renal Failure

It has been a very stressful last several months for me. Care taking for others has been taking its toll on me and now I get some very sad news.

When I was a child I had a stuffed animal. I held onto it so much that eventually, it began to fall apart. There was only so much my grandmother could do to patch it back together. There was many a leg-transplant and arm transplant. And the patches she made couldn’t sustain the continuous amount of holes that kept cropping up. One day I retired it, I was too old and it was also too old. It was a sad day nonetheless.

My old pal Sandy- or what now can only be described as a rag doll

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by | January 27, 2012 · 10:08 am

Abusive Relationships: Leave Before You Leave in a Bodybag


I think Adele’s video, “Set Fire to the Rain,” is a great example of a typical abusive relationship. It is actually difficult for me to watch, but I like this song… It does a very good job depicting the typical dynamics, the physical abuse, the screaming, punching, pushing, but what’s even more important is that it depicts the “making up.” The “making up” part of an abusive relationship is by far the sickest facet of the entire dynamic. In fact it is so painful to be without this person, the very person who causes the pain because, consequently, they’re also the only one who can make it go away- now that’s what I call a dilemna. Try putting up with this awful cycle for months and even years and tell me how your health is faring- non-existent I would say. If they don’t kill you,there’s a good chance you will kill yourself on purpose or by accident. 1 in every 5 female murder victims in the US are first victims of domestic violence.

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by | January 4, 2012 · 4:56 am

2011 The Lesson I Learned: Be Proud of Your Failures

Life is difficult sometimes. Is it just me….or is it true that when things feel as if they couldn’t get any worse something (or several somethings) else goes wrong? I was not joking when I’ve said that the rejection letters I’ve received from graduate school programs and elsewhere came on some of the worst days of my life. Coincidental? I think not…

I have probably failed more than I’ve succeeded. Hasn’t everybody? It’s a matter of statistics really. If you want job X and they are only hiring 2 people but 100 people are applying for it, you have a 1 in 50 chance of succeeding and about 49 chances to fail.

Failing is part of life. You will be dumped, hurt, betrayed, rejected, and disappointed. That doesn’t matter. It is what you do next that counts. Will you go back to bed and stay there for a week? Or will you say, their loss, and try again?

Recently I spoke the phrase “I am proud of my failures,” and meant every single bit of it.

Below is a list of five reasons you should be proud of your failures too.

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by | November 20, 2011 · 4:47 pm

Estranger

Last night before I went to sleep I asked God to help me figure out to do about the source of my guilt. I have eliminated most of my guilt over the years but still have trouble justifying the fact that I am estranged from my grandmother. As you know may know, my uncle has torn the family apart with his endless dysfunction but it’s not just that. Growing up I was at the bottom of the totem pole when it came to favoritism in the family. Despite this status, she still had enough manipulation and nastiness to go around. She is one of those people whom strangers love and wonder why her family doesn’t talk to her because she’s so nice to them.

Despite the long list of justification I had for not really talking to her anymore I still felt guilty. I am not the type of person who can do mean or hurtful things to a person even when they treated me abusively. The reason I stayed away was to protect myself: I couldn’t take the way she made me feel when I was around her. Even if I did something nice or thoughtful she was so mean that I always left her home feeling bad. I didn’t need people like her and my uncle in my life. Somehow, I still felt guilty for this choice.

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by | November 17, 2011 · 1:49 am

I Flunked Self-Esteem Class

Today I flunked out of self-esteem class. And no. I’m not joking.

“I just don’t think I can get through to you. Don’t take it personally, but here’s a list of other therapists that might be a better fit. It was nice meeting you.” Are you serious? Good thing I didn’t take it personally- that would’ve been very detrimental to my self-esteem.

Upon hearing of my expulsion from self-esteem class, my other counselor -the one who recommended me for self-esteem classes- subtly asked me not to come back. I told her what he’d said and how I was confused as to what he meant by he couldn’t get through to me. I am not a child. I didn’t misbehave. I took the class seriously. As we conversed and continued to talk about other things she seemed to become very irritated with me.

 


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Filed under Dating, Domestic Violence, Friendship, Fun, Growth, Healing, Heart, Inspirational, Life Lessons, Motivation, Passion, relationships

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by | November 16, 2011 · 4:20 am

I Lost My Voice (Again)

I’ve been in a lot of abusive situations and dated so many people in which I ended up in some kind of off kilter romance. In these affairs I often found myself on the crappy end of a power play always expending a lot of energy trying to win the other person back. Staying in the situation causes a lot of mental anguish and stress. When you are in the midst of this, it is easy to lose your voice because you are people pleasing. Going through the gamut of emotions that come up in an abusive scenario cause your mind to exist in some sort of mental flurry- perhaps similar to the fight or flight reflex you often react rather than act. This mental flurry makes it difficult for you to live in the moment and you often lose track of your own wants and needs. When you are stuck in the middle of this much emotional stress, you are no longer paying attention to yourself and run the risk of letting others define you.

This happened to me a few weeks ago when I got sent to self-esteem classes by my counselor. I will tell you why she initially sent me. I was obsessing over whether or not the guy I was dating liked me. In fact I was very insecure about the whole thing. My counselor figured that he did. He asked me out didn’t he? She couldn’t understand why I was acting so insecurely and thought that perhaps self-esteem was the root of what was causing me to have insecurities in this new relationship. “You don’t have any self-esteem, Hayley. You don’t like yourself.” I thought about what she said.


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by | November 11, 2011 · 7:46 pm

Taking Self-Esteem Classes at Age 26

I like myself. There I said it. However, my domestic violence counselor sent me to “self esteem classes.” My counselor keeps insisting that I need them. At first I thought she might be on to something. I have been acting pretty insecure lately.  I was dating a guy who has consistently blown me off  (like twice in one week). I think that is a reason to be insecure. Here I was thinking he liked me. Would you blow off someone you liked? Even if he was legitimately busy it still sucked being blown off by someone you were looking forward to seeing.

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by | October 19, 2011 · 3:58 am

When is it Verbal Abuse?

When one is on the receiving end of continuous verbal and emotional assaults, it becomes difficult to tell metaphorically “where one side ends and the other begins.” That’s because when we’re in the midst of an abusive relationship, it’s easy to lose track of what is abuse and what isn’t. That is often because the person who gets to decide what is verbal abuse and what isn’t is the abuser.

I received a copy of “Victory Over Verbal Abuse,” by Patricia Evans. From the moment I opened it, the words made perfect sense and brought me to a new cognitive level of viewing the social interactions around me. A letter inside the book poses the question, “When is a cutting remark abusive and when is it merely callous?” Continue reading →

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by | October 17, 2011 · 12:43 pm

Are You Hiding From Life Inside an Abusive Relationship?

Sometimes when we don’t trust ourselves, we feel very insecure about stepping out into the world to live life. I know I was afraid to go out and be my own person because of the abuse and rape I experienced at a young age. I feared that I, again, wouldn’t be able to protect myself if put in a compromising situation. As a result, I entered into an abusive relationship and subsequently continued this pattern for years. I was attracted to these types of relationships because on a subconscious level the aspect of control imposed limits that made me feel “protected” when everything around me felt very out of control. Alone, I felt vulnerable; like I could become a victim again at any time.

Like a text book abusive relationship, the imposed limitations ended up including a list of things he didn’t want me to do, people he didn’t want me see, and places he didn’t want me to go.  Somewhere in my psyche I knew this and permitted it to happen because I felt more insecure out of the relationship than I did in it. Ironically, I ended up existing in this cocoon for several years instead of navigating the world on my own.

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Filed under Addiction, Dating, Domestic Violence, Growth, Healing, Life Lessons, Love, relationships

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by | October 14, 2011 · 2:06 pm

Rescue Animal of the Week on The Veggie Stand

At The Veggie Stand, we’re creating a new weekly feature “Rescue Animal of the Week.” If you (or any of your friends) would like your pet to be our next Rescue Animal of the Week, please provide us with the following information by emailing it to me at HRH@TheVeggieStand.com

A picture of your pet

Your pet’s name

Your name, city and state

Where did your pet come from?

How did you come to adopt/ rescue your animal?

And anything else you would like us to include about your animal.

Come back on Monday to meet our first Rescue Animal of the Week, Kya, a Yorkshire terrier from Vancouver, Washington!

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Filed under Animal Rights, Friendship, Healing, Heart, Inspirational, News

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