“Look, I want to be honest and real with you because you deserve it sweetie… I am attracted to you and yes I want you to be mine one day if God is willing, babygirl. My wife and I would love to get to know you sweetie… You are a beautiful woman and getting to know you would be a pleasure. We, as a married couple, are seeking to have a committed serious relationship that could lead to family and children one day. We want to be upfront and real with a fine sexy beautiful goddess like yourself, sweetie, and by the way, we are new to this also, so hit us up when you have a chance ok. Take care babygirl!”
This is by far one of the oddest messages I have received via my online dating profile. Through the years, however, I have encountered many swingers. For a long time I was a waitress at a sushi bar and during that time I saw some of the craziest stuff and met some of the craziest people- these people, of course, included swingers. There was the nude photographer who offered me $50 an hour to sell my soul (aka to pose nude for his smut photography). “Well, you’re just a waitress,” he assumed, “I’m sure you could use the extra money.” As if! This self-proclaimed “photographer” was a married man and often visited the restaurant accompanied by two other couples and his wife. They invited me to join in their “after dinner festivities” several times. I flirted with them to up my tip, but would never ever participate in an orgy (and if I did, they would certainly be my last choice of partners).
This recent message from the married couple online, wouldn’t be the first message I’ve received from a couple on the dating site that inquired about some type of group sex/ relationship arrangement. The first was from a guy who had a girlfriend but was seeking a threesome. The first time he messaged me he was upfront. The second time he messaged me, his profile no longer mentioned that he was in a relationship. I envisioned that he still was with the girl and that meeting up with him would inevitably get me jumped and possibly murdered by them both. I promptly ignored his message just like I am going to ignore the one from the married couple who wants to make their couple into a triple (that could possibly lead to “a committed serious relationship that could lead to family and children one day”).
This reminds me of the time I almost joined a commune. When I lived in Arizona, one of my best friends, who also happens to be a mega-Christian sorority girl, brought me to a place called Arcosanti. Because of my friend’s extremely conservative background, I never suspected that anything at Arcosanti was awry, being a devout Christian, she would die before she went against her Bible-given principles.
Arcosanti is an art commune of sorts that focuses on building an Earth friendly society with urban planning that focuses on sustainability (architecture that goes along with the grain of the terrain rather than dominate it). From what I gather, it is an independent community that self-governs and self-regulates (such as the Vatican). The place is gorgeous and built within the desert in a way that doesn’t seem to alter the land as it reaches towards Arcosanti’s goal of a sustainable environment.
There are some who might say that I have had way too many sexual partners in my life. I have been tested and do not have any STD’s, yet I know I have taken chances. I think it has been a rather normal progression of people in my life and I like to think I have played it safe. I look back at the journals I wrote during those times and I wonder what I was thinking. I know I was imagining that this was the way to love. My journey and documenting the stops continue to this day and I feel close to some personal truths. My path is not for everyone but I don’t regret my life.
I had been divorced after twenty five years because the sex was terrible. That really was the bottom line in addition to religious, personality and astrological differences. So when I was free I went looking. I actually found an affair while I was still married. The Internet swept me into a world that still intrigues me. Bruce was my first fellow and he gave me the kisses I was missing. My ex is still a fine friend but I needed more. I found it and never looked back.
In moving a lot I’ve had to adapt to many different jobs. After moving from Idaho to rural Minnesota I tried selling Real Estate again, but the home prices were so low that I was barely covering my gas and advertising.
One night I attended a PartyLite party at the home of a new friend. Lisa, the consultant, showed us candles and gift-ware and mentioned that she averaged $100 in income per party. I listened closely. I couldn’t afford to buy anything, but asked her to contact me. Two weeks later I booked my “starter party” (and the 6 parties I’d give as a requirement to earn a free kit). We were new in a town of under 1100 people. I knew only the ladies who worked at the bank in town so it was a tough start. I didn’t know, at the time, the impact Lisa would have in my life. I was the first consultant she sponsored that made it past the first 6 parties. It wasn’t that I was great at it. I was desperate.
The card from Lisa thanking me for the guest list for my starter party. She says "I'll think we'll make good partners - and I know you have what it takes to be successful." Powerful words, I looked at them often and they lived in my heart.
I was honored in my first year when our Sr. Regional VP, Susan, called to ask me to do my first training. She had the national sales averages and said my number of guests per party was higher than the regional or national average. When you have low income women, they don’t spend much so you need higher attendance. I adapted my hostess routine to make sure there were more guests per party. Susan wanted me to train on what I was doing.
1997 my first full year and the first note I got from Susan on the monthly magazine page. I was number 7 in sales out of over 20,000. She wrote "Feel Proud of your Success Doris" Powerful words, I was walking on air.
What a challenge! Susan had a healthy 6 figure income and a large productive region filled with dynamic Leaders. She was also caring and genuine. It was important to me not to disappoint her. I was nervous about standing at a podium in front of at least 150 women with pens poised. I had handouts of the document I adapted to give each hostess as a checklist, and one I created to ensure I didn’t miss a single extra step. I wasn’t doing anything special, I was just regimented. My goal was that my hostess always got $100 in free product. If I made it happen for her, I earned $100, and my happy hostess would have more parties in the future.
At the podium that day, I forgot my nervousness as I focused on the importance of what I was passing on as I spoke. Later, consultants came up to ask me more questions. The following month something magical happened, many came to thank me for helping them increase their guest count. They were sincerely happy and proud that they had done the work and it paid off. Home sales isn’t an easy business. There’s lots of rejection and though it’s hard work, you don’t get much respect for doing it. You must constantly push yourself but you can never be pushy with others. I had a warm glow for days knowing I helped others meet their goals.
I had found it under your bathroom sink again. I found it behind your printer once. I found it in your file cabinet. I hated that you hid booze in the house. Once you poured it out. Once you let me put it in the cabinet. Once it killed you.
I put the last four bottles I found under the bathroom cabinet in the back closet. Then I cleaned that closet out and put the Vodka in the kitchen cabinet. It has been there a couple months. Tonight I am having a cocktail. A Pineapple/Vodka drunk. An ode to your life. A time to take you away from this world and out into the universe. Unfortunately the crash back to earth is not worth it. I don’t like the payback but you didn’t seem to mind.
It took me all this time to buy some Pineapple juice. Today at Walmart I found some cheap and that is just what I wanted. You and I had wonderful fun with our Pineapple Cocktails. We added a red cherry to mine and you switched to Grapefruit Juice because you were that kind of guy. We loved our cocktail hour. We loved to play but you had to have more. You had to have a pint of this Vodka a day. A pint. You wanted to transcend. So tonight I am transcending in your honor. Tonight I am remembering the joys of alcohol.
I remember standing by the window in the parlor looking at the evening sky in the Blue Hour. It was the winter of our first year and I loved standing in the empty room watching the colors change before my eyes. I never noticed in L.A. or San Francisco, was I too busy, too young, was it smog? What the hell was I doing in middle of nowhere Minnesotain winter on a farm, broke, bruised, tired and so damned cold. Memories that flash like photographs, still frames of my life that suddenly become a movie in my mind.
That day the snow was different, it looked like whitecaps on the ocean from the wind, the sun had warmed the top then nights froze the waves in place. There was a crust and I’d gone out to walk on it earlier, to feel it crunch and see how far I sank. God how you laughed at me, sinking thigh deep and struggling, the stubborn woman who wouldn’t turn back. Get it while I can, enjoy what I have, this new world and life I chose with you. I’m cold and tired but I have a new world. No, we have it.
Like the nights I had off in summer and fall when the colors soften and change, the birds settle in and the world gets quiet, I waited to watch that unbroken ocean of white. There were so few nights off during the Holidays but this night I had my time and my sights, I’m a watcher and magic is free. Slowly the night turned Indigo, deep, heavy purple-blue and the world was still early, no voices, no birds, no tires on the highway. Finally the yard light came on and I saw it, the ground sparkling everywhere I looked. It was as if someone had thrown millions of diamonds across the acre of lawn. It took my breath away and I stayed standing in the dark room, I didn’t want to look away.
What is it like to grow up with a parent who is not only abusive but a martyr? Hell. That’s what. I told myself I wouldn’t do it, but today I am going to write about my mother. She has pushed me over the edge. I want to make it clear that I do not have that mommy complex that causes a child to constantly try to win her mother’s love and approval (although my mother actually has this complex, but that’s another story). I gave up on winning my mother’s love and approval years ago because sadly, she is incapable of those emotions. I am not saying this to be snarky, it is true. She has some type of mental and emotional disorder that she refuses to seek treatment for. In addition, my mother is suffering from multiple sclerosis and refuses to take care of herself or her medicine. Instead she prefers to bitch and complain about it all day long, every day, about how much pain she is in- and then refuses to take pain killers too.
She doesn’t want to do anything- she is depressed and this is one of her symptoms. However, she refuses to take medication for her depression. Additionally, over the years she has degraded and knocked me when I took it upon myself to seek counseling for issues I had. She made fun of me and called me crazy- and this is something that has continued into my adult life to this day.
When I was leaving one of my last abusive relationships, a friend had to lock me in his kitchen to keep me from going back. Before he “let me go” the next morning, he sat down with me to make a checklist called “Things Hayley will Do Starting Now!”
One of the things on the checklist was “Stand up for yourself.” At the time I didn’t feel I could. In the midst of making this checklist he asked me why I let my now ex boyfriend swear at me. I paused for a moment to think. “My mother talks to me even worse.” Now mind you- I was 23 years old when this happened and my mother was still talking to me this way! Even at that old age my mother still yelled at me, called me names, and swore at me whenever she felt like it!
In recent news, Chris Brown was caught acting like Chris Brown, again, and I’m not surprised.
As you know I rarely say anything bad about anybody, minus Chris Brown, my uncle, and that horrible ex-boyfriend I bring up every once in a while. I don’t really hold grudges against people either…well okay, there are a few, and one of them happens to be Chris Brown. Though I do not know him or Rihanna personally, I cannot stand him for what he did to her. I never saw a black eye that bad in my life, the fact that it was on the face of a petite girl only amplifies its intensity. Though it’s not my place to judge, after his appearance at the Grammy’s this week, I find myself wondering if someone like him deserves forgiveness or should be doomed to a life of social purgatory.
A friend once told me a story about a time that they were waiting for their flight in an airport terminal. Airport terminals aren’t loud but they can be fairly noisy. As he was waiting for the plane to board, the room suddenly became completely silent: you could hear the cliched pin drop. Why did everyone stop talking? He wondered, and then he got his answer when he saw OJ Simpson walk by.
There is no doubt in my mind that this is the way OJ was greeted every time he went out in public- until he was incarcerated, again. Does Chris Brown deserve this kind of treatment? Again, it’s not for me to say, but I know if I came face to face with him, I certainly wouldn’t give him the time of day. I think the only way to judge a situation like his is to think about his character and if it has improved since he got caught beating Rihanna. I say got caught because it is pretty hard to believe, with the severity of her injuries, that this was the first time in his life that he slipped and lost control of his fists.
I have a variety of friends. Friends from different countries. Friends with different values. Friends from many cultures. They are all very unique, but what is even more unique is their love lives. One of my friends is polyamorous- have you ever heard of this? I didn’t until she told me about it. Polyamory is the practice of keeping several lovers at once; having several intimate relationships going on at the same time, and being completely honest about it to everyone involved. I could never do this. I don’t like to share…my men. I also wouldn’t really have an interest in sleeping with several people at once. It’s just not my thing.
Another friend of mine recently suggested I get a few “fuck buddies.” This made me wonder if he ever listens to anything I say or reads any of my blogs. I have had enough meaningless relationships to last a few lifetimes, I’m not about to begin participation in meaningless sex as well. He is cool with this idea and has several “fuck buddies” himself. A lot of guys and girls would probably appreciate this type of no strings attached arrangement, I am however, looking for someone who feels quite the opposite.
When I decided after my last terribly abusive relationship that I was done being abused by men, I figured making the change from dating abusive men to dating normal ones would be as easy as flicking off a light switch. My life, until that point had been so dramatic that I decided to chronicle the journey in my book, I Know Why They Call a Shell a Shell: Tales of Love Lost at Sea. I’d planned on writing about my unbelievable relationship past and then write a very happily-ever-after ending based on what I foresaw to be my sunnier dating future. Par usual, I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Though I made a conscious decision to no longer involve myself in unhealthy relationships, the rest of me still had to catch up with that thought. There really is a common personality trait in people who end up in abusive situations. A lot of these victims and future victims of abusive relationships have low self-esteem, but other personality traits can lead to this situation. Being vulnerable, too trusting, or not assertive enough can entrap you in a variety of unhealthy situations not limited to romantic, (also friendships and work-related scenarios).
Today I am going to talk about Rihanna and how she is rumored to be back with Chris Brown- how did that happen?
There is so much stuff going on psychologically in an abusive relationship that I could talk about it for days (and probably will if you let me, ha). When Rihanna was successfully removed from the Chris Brown situation, it was not entirely on her own accord, but through court ordered restraining orders and likely the intervention of family and friends. The fact that she did not willingly choose to leave has a lot to do with why she’s back.
She went on Barbara Walters shortly after the relationship was over, and after hearing her peace, we all believed that she was done but did she? Usually a person knows when it isn’t over and that is why they go back months, and in Rihanna’s case, years later. The longest I was away from an abuser was a month or two and then I went back. It was through intervention of family and friends that got me out of one of the relationships and almost being murdered that got me out of the other. The first guy I was with, who was also abusive, I walked out of on my own, but my strength apparently went downhill from there. So wouldn’t one or more years be enough for Rihanna to gain enough perspective to get away? You would think so.
When you’re in an abusive relationship, deep down you know something’s not right, that it’s not the right person for you, and that you are doing the wrong thing. However, you are paralyzed to do anything about it mainly because for one reason or another, you’ve become invested. You have given away a part of yourself to this person and you are not ready to give the relationship up, because in your mind you believed by giving the part of you that you gave, you earned the partnership, so why should you let them go now? The more drama and the more issues of theirs you put up with, the larger your investment becomes and the only interest you earn is the opportunity to hang out with them. You think that they want to be around you after all you’ve done for them but then they push you away- and you can’t wrap your mind around why.
Now here comes the second facet of this scenario, they leave you- or leave you hanging. They cheat on you, hit you, call you a bitch, cunt, fat, and you stay. You stay and you cry and cry. The pain caused by their words and actions is agonizing because let’s be honest, both of you know that you’re not going anywhere. So in the midst of your tears, somewhere in the back of your mind is this realization, this knowledge that you will be staying for the duration regardless of what they do or what names they may currently be calling you.
Sooner of later, when your mate is done blowing off their steam or maybe they’re bored, they come around. They might even apologize- though usually, it’s more of a pathetic excuse for an apology than anything. The sea is calm again. You’re exhausted but feel the physical relief that comes when the tears have finally stopped. You sniffle a little, your tears are drying up, your body is tired. The both of you spend the night cuddling on the couch watching whatever show he wants to watch. He hands you the remote control and urges you to choose something, “Really?” you ask, shocked and honored, as if you’d just been handed the key to the Crown Jewels of something.
You vaguely remember having the same dynamics with your mother or father. The way they abused you when no one was around. The way they acted wonderful and charming in public, to family and friends, always made you sick, even though someone would’ve thought you were to young to comprehend what was going on, you did. For days the abuse continued, and you begged them to stop, begged them. They caused you that same feeling- the crying that never ends-sense of urgency and panic-feeling. Then when they were tired or bored they started to be nice to you again, for a few minutes at least. The second you fell into their placation the abuse started all over again, as did your attempt to appease them.
So why do people end up in abusive relationships? Because when abusive dynamics are the same dynamics that have bonded them to their parents, their brain has grown to believe that abuse is actually love. The abused brain has never experienced love from their parent- the typical thing that bonds one to their mother or father- instead they have been trapped and bonded to their parent within the cycle of abuse. Therefore, the cycle is actually comforting and familiar to the abused in an abusive relationship.
So that is why Rihanna thinks that what she has with Chris Brown is love. I understand where she’s coming from, but she really needs a conservatorship so someone can legally lock her in her room til she comes to her senses, the man beat her face in already, he is not going to stop there. So now that she is back, you are probably wondering why. So back to the investment I spoke about I the beginning. She has made an emotional investment in him and in a relationship- a relationships that she knows is very dysfunctional and wrong. The longer she stays in this dysfunctyional relationship that she knows is wrong, the longer she feels she has to stay in the long run, for a few reasons.
Firstly she is trying to prove herself right and everyone else wrong. She is trying to justify her choice to be there and is intent on staying until she has proved to herself and the world that it was a good choice. Mainly, she is staying out of guilt. There is likely something “wrong” with her- not just Brown. It is likely that like most of us, she is damaged and has confided in him some type of mental issue or something very upsetting and personal that happened in her childhood. It is also likely that when she told him about it, he listened sympathetically and even metaphorically took up arms against whomever had hurt her in the past. This gesture has helped her heal a bit, as far as the previous issue was concerned, and because of it she feels that she owes him because he helped her. She subconsiously does not want to leave him because she feels guilty about doing so because of all he did for her regarding her past pain and helping her work through it. This is also why she feels that others don’t understand their love- they ave never seen this sympathetic side of him, which he has moreso shown to her in order to keep her rather than to help her. She doesn’t realize this and believes he has been sincere. She doesn’t want his help to go in vain and she doesn’t want to break up with him because that makes her feel like she was using him to be comforted- which maye she was- but she doesn’t want to admit that to herself, the world, or him, so instead she will just stay and this is the biggest reason she got pulled back in.
They were unwillingly seperated, so when he came sniffing back around she was too weak to stay away from him because subconsciously she felt indentured to him because of whatever he’d helped her with. There is a large guilt componenet in abusive relationships in general, and this is where it comes in. It is guilt not love that brings women back into a situation with an abuser and guilt that keeps them asking for more.
