Category Archives: relationships

by | October 19, 2011 · 3:58 am

When is it Verbal Abuse?

When one is on the receiving end of continuous verbal and emotional assaults, it becomes difficult to tell metaphorically “where one side ends and the other begins.” That’s because when we’re in the midst of an abusive relationship, it’s easy to lose track of what is abuse and what isn’t. That is often because the person who gets to decide what is verbal abuse and what isn’t is the abuser.

I received a copy of “Victory Over Verbal Abuse,” by Patricia Evans. From the moment I opened it, the words made perfect sense and brought me to a new cognitive level of viewing the social interactions around me. A letter inside the book poses the question, “When is a cutting remark abusive and when is it merely callous?” Continue reading →

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by | October 17, 2011 · 12:43 pm

Are You Hiding From Life Inside an Abusive Relationship?

Sometimes when we don’t trust ourselves, we feel very insecure about stepping out into the world to live life. I know I was afraid to go out and be my own person because of the abuse and rape I experienced at a young age. I feared that I, again, wouldn’t be able to protect myself if put in a compromising situation. As a result, I entered into an abusive relationship and subsequently continued this pattern for years. I was attracted to these types of relationships because on a subconscious level the aspect of control imposed limits that made me feel “protected” when everything around me felt very out of control. Alone, I felt vulnerable; like I could become a victim again at any time.

Like a text book abusive relationship, the imposed limitations ended up including a list of things he didn’t want me to do, people he didn’t want me see, and places he didn’t want me to go.  Somewhere in my psyche I knew this and permitted it to happen because I felt more insecure out of the relationship than I did in it. Ironically, I ended up existing in this cocoon for several years instead of navigating the world on my own.

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by | October 11, 2011 · 5:29 am

Top Ten List of My Most Stellar Online Dating Experiences

Okay so it’s still a bit taboo: online dating. Since I work from home 90% of the time, online dating has been an effective way to meet members (or at least talk to) of the opposite sex. Everyone told me not to do it but as usual, I found a way to rationalize it and convince myself that it was a good idea. Half the people I work with I’ve never met in person. I have never met any of my editors, colleagues, or readers and from what I know of them they all seem like pretty stellar people. So what’s wrong with meeting potential dates online?

Well as it turns out it is different and the same. For one, it differs from the other people I’ve worked with online in the sense that they were decent and the guys I met online all seemed to be self centered man-children. Yet it is similar to actual dating in the sense that 99% of the guys I meet in “real life” end up being jerks. Online 100% of the men I’ve met (thus far) have turned out to be jerks. Statistically the success rate of relationships with men I met online is virtually the same as the success I had with the men I met in person. Shocking, I know!

Though the experiences I’ve had since I began online dating would make a great book, today I’ve decided to share with you some of the highlights of my online dating experience. So below is my Top Ten List of My Most Stellar Online Dating Experiences

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by | September 29, 2011 · 3:25 pm

“Are You Mad at Me?” On HuffPost

Please check out my new article about the residual effects of domestic violence.

I will never forget the dread I experienced when I was honest about my feelings with my abusive ex-boyfriend. Anything and everything can and will offend an abuser, especially when you disagree with him. What an abuser chooses to get upset about is their choice and is as unpredictable as the weather; something that was benign yesterday can be infuriating today.

Disagreeing with him was never a good idea. After doing so, I remember that sick pang I’d get in my torso as I awaited his imminent reaction. And even when there was no reaction, I found myself wondering and even asking him if he was mad at me. Why? Because that’s what I expected: He usually did get mad at me when I voiced my opinion. Why wouldn’t I worry? Anger was the typical response I got when I was honest with him about my feelings or frustrations. Even with no response, the push and pull of his abusive dynamics prevented me from thinking properly; I was left emotionally “hand shy,” inwardly wincing before each anticipated strike.

You can read the full article here on The Huffington Post

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by | September 26, 2011 · 3:04 am

Are You Mad At Me?

I will never forget the dread I experienced when I was honest about my feelings with my abusive ex-boyfriend. Anything and everything can and will offend an abuser; especially when you disagree with them. What they choose to get upset about is at their volition and as unpredictable as the weather; something that was benign yesterday can be infuriate them tomorrow.

Disagreeing with him was never a good idea. After doing so, I remember that sick pang I’d get in my torso as I awaited his imminent reaction. And even when there was no reaction, I found myself wondering and even asking him if he was mad at me. Why? Because that’s what I expected: he usually did get mad at when I voiced my opinion. Why wouldn’t I worry? Anger was the typical response I got when I was honest with him about my feelings or frustrations. Even with no response, the push and pull of his crazy abusive dynamics incapacitated my mind with fear and left me emotionally “hand shy.”

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by | September 12, 2011 · 8:30 am

You Could Be My Silver Springs?

  Silver Springs? Hayley Rose 2011

 

Have you ever been exhausted from dating? I have! At first it felt great- to have so many dates lined up with men that seemed decent, were often cute, and successful too! And even better, they wanted to go out with me! Ah, naivety, it never goes away does it?

What ended up happening during this time in my life was much more bleak than the excitement I just exhibited (surprise, surprise). One lying man-child, two pretentious professionals, a normal guy, and a drug addict. Let’s start with the lying man-child who barely put effort into our dates. On the second date, we met at a sports bar, he showed up as if it was Super Casual Friday wearing track pants a purple T-shirt! Ugh. Then the professionals. We never made it to a second date. The first, a doctor, talked about himself the entire night and barely made eye contact with me. Then when he walked me to my truck, he tried to kiss me! He was extremely pissed when I didn’t let him. Then there was the lawyer, who also happened to be in love with himself but was considerate enough to ask questions about me, occasionally. He abruptly stood up while we were having coffee and cited that he had to get up early the next morning for work. Right. I didn’t feel bad, he was an atheist, I always question their motives. I feel like they are not so much non-believers as they are individuals who are angry at God for something and retaliate by denying his existence. Then there was the normal guy. We still talk, meet for coffee, and go for hikes together. We have become friends and have great conversations about all sorts of things like Native American spirituality and nature. Now for the drug addict, here’s where the story gets interesting.

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by | August 29, 2011 · 1:32 pm

Are You Only Attracted to Jerks?

Is there a pattern in your life? Does everyone you date end up being a total waste of your time? Are they nice at first but then after the first or second date (or sometimes even before) you start to see their true colors? And somehow you still keep picking them.

Are jerks generally more physically attractive and fit than their kind hearted alternatives? That could be part of it. I know that 100% of the jerks I’ve dated were decent looking or muscular. Maybe this is because jerks have to work on a superficial level to attract potential mates. When they have nothing going on on the inside, pumping iron and developing an appealing physique may still win them some points with the ladies. Am I calling nice men unattractive? Of course not, but I am saying because jerks lack substance, their looks are the only thing they have to attract women, and if it’s not their looks, often a flashy car will do the trick.

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by | August 26, 2011 · 4:40 am

“She Ain’t You,” Damn Strait She Ain’t Me, Chris Brown

What happens when a man loses the love of his life? Well, if you’re Chris Brown, you whine about it in a song. Sorry Chris. I don’t have any sympathy for you. The title of Chris Brown’s new song “She Ain’t You,” brings back some melancholy emotions from my relationship with my first boyfriend. He thought I could be easily replaced, he took me for granted in every way possible, and when I finally broke up with him, he kept coming back to me. By that point it was too late- it was too late way before that point, actually. If he loved me so much and thought I was so incredible why did he mistreat me in the first place?

 “She Ain’t You.”

Those three words express an entire story- a story of longing and lost love- and possibly something that went terribly, terribly wrong. As you can probably guess I am not a huge fan of Chris Brown, but the title of the song and the infamous beating he gave his ex-girlfriend Rihanna is enough information for us to piece it together ourselves.

Have you ever known a batterer? A man who was angry enough to hit or punch a woman? If you know anyone like this personally, you know that their anger issues are not caused by their victim: the person they take their rage out on. It is something darker within their own person, something that has never been addressed. So why would someone with an issue like this get involved in a relationship in the first place? Good question.

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by | August 18, 2011 · 12:47 am

Scars

1. One small candle holder that says Sanda and Dean’s Jack and Jill

 2. A picture frame from Nick and Beth’s Wedding

3. A small black guitar pick.

4. A chip on one of my front teeth.

5. A small scar above my left eye

The items I could throw out, I didn’t, and the scars on my person are reminders I’ll never be able to get rid of.

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by | August 2, 2011 · 9:40 am

Why Did Kat Von D and Jesse James Break Up? A Look At the Psychology of the Bad Boy and How Women Get Sucked In

I came across this headline the other day “Why Did Kat Von D Tattoo Jesse James’ Face on Her Body?” Wow, good question! You would think that someone who makes their living as a tattoo artist would know that tattooing someone’s name or face on your body is considered bad luck. Tattooing someone’s PII on your person is never a good idea. As a child, I couldn’t help but wonder why my uncle had “Nancy” tattooed across his arm when he was married to my Aunt Helen…

After I was done rolling my eyes at the headline, I was compelled to read the article, why would a talented and well-known tattoo artist like Kat Von D walk right into this well-known curse?

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