by | August 10, 2011 · 3:41 pm

Are You Your Own Worst Critic?

My Article “Are You Your Own Worst Critic” is now on All Things Healing. If you haven’t read it yet, make sure you check it out!

Many of us consider ourselves to be our own worst critics, and I used to think so, too. I was always so hard on myself to the point of perfectionism. Then one day I began to see things differently. I started to realize that other people’s opinions of me and what they thought I should be doing were so embedded into my mind that their expectations became stronger than my own wants and needs. I inevitably realized that the self-criticism that tortured my mind for years was not in response to my voice. In actuality, it was self-criticism and self-punishment for not living up to expectations of others. Slowly I began to eliminate their opinions.

If you have felt this type of guilt and thought this way, the truth is, you’re not really disappointing anyone through your actions. These people are only disappointed in you (when your actions differ from their vision of what you should be doing) because they are losing control of you. These are not friends, nor are they people you should be taking advice from.

Think back to the things you always beat yourself up over. Do you beat yourself up over failures that caused you disappointment or are you being hard on yourself for not living up to other people’s desires for who you are and who you should be? I guarantee that the majority of failures and things you hold against yourself belong to the latter category.

Finish reading here…

 

 

 

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by | August 9, 2011 · 12:48 am

The Case Against Free Will: Part One

If there is such a thing as free is it really “free”? And don’t you think destiny always wins out in the end? Destiny really exists, in fact I think destiny actually exists in our minds- you may know it by it’s more common name- your conscious. We all know what we should be doing- we all know what feels right and what feels wrong- whether we will listen to our conscious or not is our own choice- this is where the free will part comes in. You have the free will to not do what you know you should do and to do things that you know you should not.

Every time I have gone against my conscious, not left a relationship when I should’ve, done something careless or stupid, things not only derailed quickly but sometimes violently.Things turning violent may be an extreme example, but sometimes destiny does what it has to do to get you back on track. How many times have you heard a story about someone who came down with a terrible illness; an illness that derailed all their plans yet ended up leading them to a more suitable path?

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by | August 8, 2011 · 9:08 pm

Hey, Jealousy!

“Hayley, when are you going to get a real job?”

Last week someone who claims to be my friend, asked me this. It’s funny how the people who end up in your friend or family circles take the liberty to be such assholes once they think they’ve secured a spot.

“Hayley, when are you going to get a real job?”

Happens to be one sentence you should probably never say to my face; though I’ve heard it countless times. The comment does not anger me because of the implication- that my job is lesser than other people’s. I am secure with my life’s decisions- aka my choice to not have a “real job.” The comment only angered me for only one reason- because this was not the first person that said it to me.

“Hayley, when are you going to get a real job?”

Never. That’s when. But it’s not that simple. I didn’t think to say that at the time. I was, of course, off put by the rudeness and insensitivity of his words, especially since I always treated him with respect and kindness. Never would I drag his job through the mud the way they tore apart mine.

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by | · 10:00 am

Hey, Jealousy!

“Hayley, when are you going to get a real job?”

 Last week someone who claims to be my friend, asked me this. It’s funny how the people who end up in your friend or family circles take the liberty to be such assholes once they think they’ve secured a spot.

“Hayley, when are you going to get a real job?”

Happens to be one sentence you should probably never say to my face; though I’ve heard it countless times. The comment does not anger me because of the implication- that my job is lesser than other people’s. I am secure with my life’s decisions- aka my choice to not have a “real job.” The comment only angered me for only one reason- because this was not the first person that said it to me.

“Hayley, when are you going to get a real job?”

Never. That’s when. But it’s not that simple. I didn’t think to say that at the time. I was, of course, off put by the rudeness and insensitivity of his words, especially since I always treated him with respect and kindness. Never would I drag his job through the mud the way they tore apart mine.

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by | August 2, 2011 · 6:02 pm

Does Gender Bias and Victim Blaming Put Both Sexes at Risk for Sexual Assault? Now on HuffPost Crime

A friend recently brought an article to my attention about a seasoned sexual assault detective who, after years on the job, was sexually assaulted. Aside from the irony of the victim’s profession, I read the article to see why else this story had attracted so much attention. It was not surprising to read that the officer-turned-victim experienced the same shame and anxiety that is common for most victims of sexual assault. Additionally, like 95% of sexual assault victims, the officer did not want to report the crime to the proper authorities. There was only one outlier in this story: the rape victim was an adult male.

When most people hear the term “rape victim,” the image of an adult male is not what typically comes to mind. In cases of rape, men are usually associated with assailants rather than victims. Perhaps this is because 90% of rape victims are female, and the majority of rapists are male. These statistics do not make men immune from rape, in fact, 1 in every 33 men are sexually assaulted in their lifetime. In the US a sexual assault occurs every 2 minutes.

Why is it that most people think of women when they hear the term “rape victim?” Is it because of statistics, or has the media and culture accepted this as the status quo? Globally there are still many cultures that shun female rape victims. Victim blaming occurs, even in modern American society. Think back to two of the most common excuses made by victim blamers and rapist sympathizers: “She was dressed provocatively,” and “She had a bad reputation.” Both excuses not only sexualize rape crimes, but place the blame of rape on the female victim’s sexuality.

Check out the rest of the article on The Huffington Post

 

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by | · 9:40 am

Why Did Kat Von D and Jesse James Break Up? A Look At the Psychology of the Bad Boy and How Women Get Sucked In

I came across this headline the other day “Why Did Kat Von D Tattoo Jesse James’ Face on Her Body?” Wow, good question! You would think that someone who makes their living as a tattoo artist would know that tattooing someone’s name or face on your body is considered bad luck. Tattooing someone’s PII on your person is never a good idea. As a child, I couldn’t help but wonder why my uncle had “Nancy” tattooed across his arm when he was married to my Aunt Helen…

After I was done rolling my eyes at the headline, I was compelled to read the article, why would a talented and well-known tattoo artist like Kat Von D walk right into this well-known curse?

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by | August 1, 2011 · 7:24 am

Forgiving My Rapist

I received a tweet a reader in regards to my article “Confronting My Rapist.”

In the tweet she stated,

“I read your article about facing your rapist. You are a better woman than me, I couldn’t have acted so politely and diligently.”

I found the tweet to be extremely thought-provoking. Though I responded to my rapist with expletives and warnings to never bother me again, it was through email and not in person. By the sound of my reader’s tweet, when faced with the same scenario, she might’ve kicked the guy’s ass (or at least cussed him out). This thought made me smile, I can’t say I don’t blame her.

When it comes to my situation, I never really thought about vengeance. I was too caught up in hurting myself and messing up my own life because of the pain. Thinking about it now, it might feel good to go to his house, smash the windows of his car, and break everything he owns, but would that solve anything? If I destroyed all his belongings he would still be more reparable than how he left me.

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by | · 7:13 am

Announcement

So I’m in the process of moving—my site that is. I am moving Hayley’s Comments and The Veggie Stand to a new host- they would’ve been there this morning and already settled in nicely had Hayley read the directions…. I am still hoping to launch The Veggie Stand sometime this afternoon.  Stay tuned…and send good vibes that the WordPress technicians have enough patience for the mess I made….Thanks!… and btw I was just  kidding…there were no directions!

Hayley

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by | July 30, 2011 · 2:05 pm

I’m Launching a New Site: The Veggie Stand

Since vegetarianism and animals rights are such specific subjects, I decided to branch out from Hayley’s Comments and create The Veggie Stand; a site devoted to both those things! I will still write about these subjects on Hayley’s Comments but I will be writing more extensively about them on The Veggie Stand

I will be officially launching The Veggie Stand on Monday August 1st. The Veggie Stand is going to be a place that not only supports animal rights, discusses the benefits of vegetarianism, and shares recipes, it will also have comic strips, discuss some of the spiritual aspects of vegetarianism and nature, and sometimes have environmental discussions as well. If you are interested in subscribing to this blog please enter your email address into the righthand corner at The Veggie Stand.com and hit subscribe or you can follow me on Twitter @TheVeggieStand.

Have a great weekend!

Hayley

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by | July 29, 2011 · 2:08 pm

Why Do Smart Women Date Abusive Men? Now on HuffPost

Good Afternoon Everyone,

If you haven’t yet read this article please check it out and by all means, feel free to share and comment!

Why do smart women date abusive men? I was asked this question countless times as I found myself stuck in an abusive relationship that began to spiral even more out of control. He didn’t seem abusive in the beginning, but the longer we were together, the more his abusive behavior began to seep out. It started off with frigidity and verbal abuse but it soon became evident that the man I was dating was very spiteful and would go for the jugular in the most minor of disagreements. Even after all these warning signs, I still didn’t believe anyone when they told me that one day it would escalate to physical violence. I will never forget that day, the day I almost became a statistic — another homicide victim resulting from domestic abuse.

Certain family members continuously asked me why someone like myself, a person with a seemingly high IQ, would allow themselves to be treated this way? How could a smart person end up in this situation? Every time I was asked this question, I cringed. The inference that I was stupid or ignorant because of my poor relationship choices did not help make my already out-of-control situation any better.

Anyone who is familiar with the dynamics of an abusive relationship knows that falling prey to one has nothing to do with a person’s intelligence or even their socio-economic status; rather their vulnerability.

Vulnerability leaves a person wide open to falling prey to an abuser. When I fell prey to my abuser, I was at a very mentally and emotionally weakened state because of all things I’d been through. In addition, I had just been dumped by a guy after confiding in him that I’d been raped. I had never felt lower. This vulnerability allowed for easy manipulation and I was inevitably sucked into a relationship by a man who made himself out to be my Knight in Shining Armor. In retrospect, there were many things I could’ve done differently to prevent this situation.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Read the rest of this article at The Huffington Post

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