For all the times somebody broke my heart, I’ve broken my heart three times over. What am I talking about you ask? Coveting. I should’ve paid attention in Sunday school (sorry, Mrs. Fredericksen), as I’m pretty sure there is a Commandment against this. Coveting is worse than it sounds, in fact I didn’t even realize that I’d been doing it for all these years.
I am the master if relationships- relationships in my mind, that is. I meet a guy, date him, talk to him, things are all around going well. In my mind, however, I am already picturing the progression of this not-even-a-relationship’s relationship. In my mind I am imagining how he is going to fall hard for me, so hard that it will pain him to be away from me for long. On top of that, I picture that he will be a guy who actually treats me with respect, for once.
It starts off good, but then suddenly comes a landslide and he falls off of a cliff. He stops calling. I can’t figure out why. Doesn’t he want everything to fall into place the way I’d pictured it? Doesn’t he want to fall in love with me and see how wonderful and caring of a person I am? Especially to a guy who deserves my adoration… Doesn’t he know what he’s missing? Doesn’t he want to go with me to Vermont for the weekend like I’d planned we’d do in a month or two? And what about Valentine’s day? Wasn’t he going to be my date? This is my internal dialogue, I want to make that clear. He did not disappear because I vocalized this, no. These thoughts never left my mind, until now, of course.
Is it sad that Scarlett O’Hara, Vivien Leigh’s character in Gone with the Wind, used to be my idol? Is it ironic that I too grew up to be emotionally unavailable and heartless? I’m not really heartless (my boyfriend has dropped the H-bomb a few times during heated disagreements) but I am without a doubt “emotionally unavailable.” I can be compassionate, caring, concerned for others, but when people show the same feelings towards me, I am often just plain cold, and unsure of how to react. This is a common defense mechanism adopted by many who have experienced excruciating pain and rejection. It is just one of the results of abuse and neglect. I think this is why I idolized Scarlett O’Hara. It was not just her beauty and tenacity, but the strength and power she gained from being unfeeling. As a young girl who had already experienced much sadness, I too thought I could just put up an emotional wall like she did; rather than internalize the pain, I adopted her “I can’t think about that right now. If I do I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about it tomorrow,” attitude.