What is it like to grow up with a parent who is not only abusive but a martyr? Hell. That’s what. I told myself I wouldn’t do it, but today I am going to write about my mother. She has pushed me over the edge. I want to make it clear that I do not have that mommy complex that causes a child to constantly try to win her mother’s love and approval (although my mother actually has this complex, but that’s another story). I gave up on winning my mother’s love and approval years ago because sadly, she is incapable of those emotions. I am not saying this to be snarky, it is true. She has some type of mental and emotional disorder that she refuses to seek treatment for. In addition, my mother is suffering from multiple sclerosis and refuses to take care of herself or her medicine. Instead she prefers to bitch and complain about it all day long, every day, about how much pain she is in- and then refuses to take pain killers too.
She doesn’t want to do anything- she is depressed and this is one of her symptoms. However, she refuses to take medication for her depression. Additionally, over the years she has degraded and knocked me when I took it upon myself to seek counseling for issues I had. She made fun of me and called me crazy- and this is something that has continued into my adult life to this day.
When I was leaving one of my last abusive relationships, a friend had to lock me in his kitchen to keep me from going back. Before he “let me go” the next morning, he sat down with me to make a checklist called “Things Hayley will Do Starting Now!”
One of the things on the checklist was “Stand up for yourself.” At the time I didn’t feel I could. In the midst of making this checklist he asked me why I let my now ex boyfriend swear at me. I paused for a moment to think. “My mother talks to me even worse.” Now mind you- I was 23 years old when this happened and my mother was still talking to me this way! Even at that old age my mother still yelled at me, called me names, and swore at me whenever she felt like it!