Category Archives: Love

by | December 10, 2011 · 7:47 pm

I Want You to Want Me

(This is actually from my first completed book- that is not yet published)

I remember when I was a teenager, I could never remember how old I was because I was always lying about my age (depending on what I was doing or who I was talking to). If it was an older guy I was dating, I’d say I was a few years older than I was. If it was a job that I needed to be legal for, it was 18. If it was a friend, it was my actual age. If I was trying to get into a bar it was 21. My lying about my age got so bad that there were times where I actually couldn’t remember how old I actually was.

At the time, I worked at a few bars under the pretense of being old enough to serve alcohol. One of the bars I worked at was pretty big and hosted different bands and radio stations every weekend night. After working there long enough, it became evident that the cover bands all played a lot of the same songs, Cheap Trick’s “I Want You to Want Me,” seemed to be on every band’s set list.

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by | December 2, 2011 · 12:04 am

So The Holidays Are Depressing for Some People?

So The Holidays Are Depressing for Some People? That’s what I hear…and this year I might be joining the ranks of the Scrooges and the lonely who curse the holidays all the way to New Year’s Day. Why? Many reasons, but today I am going to talk about one reason in particular.

A week or so ago when I was tuning my guitar, I broke the E-string (the little one on the end). I have been so busy this past week I did not have time to get a new one until tonight. I finally made the long drive to the music shop, upon pulling into the plaza I was very confused. I looked from one side to the other but did not see the sign for Daddy Junky’s anywhere…Crap…So then I drove to the mall where I was lucky to find a set of generic strings at one of those big box “music stores” where not one of the clerks could help me figure out what strings were best for an acoustic/ electric- in fact, no one on staff knew anything about guitars or instruments at all!

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by | October 24, 2011 · 5:49 pm

No Such Thing as Love Like in the Movies?

I have been told there is no love like in the movies. I disagree. For example, this weekend I went with my boyfriend to his family’s cabin in Vermont just over the border of Western Mass. It was a beautiful weekend, the fall leaves cascaded from the oaks and maples like delicate Chantilly drapery. Saturday afternoon, we road our mountain bikes to a summit where we had a picnic. It was perfect, he’s so sweet, he even brought my favorite, lavender champagne! To be honest, most of the weekend, we were cut off from the rest of the world holed up in the cabin’s foyer under its vaulted ceilings. It was so cozy by the roaring fireplace. The heat lit the room like a grenade in a fox hole.

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by | October 17, 2011 · 12:43 pm

Are You Hiding From Life Inside an Abusive Relationship?

Sometimes when we don’t trust ourselves, we feel very insecure about stepping out into the world to live life. I know I was afraid to go out and be my own person because of the abuse and rape I experienced at a young age. I feared that I, again, wouldn’t be able to protect myself if put in a compromising situation. As a result, I entered into an abusive relationship and subsequently continued this pattern for years. I was attracted to these types of relationships because on a subconscious level the aspect of control imposed limits that made me feel “protected” when everything around me felt very out of control. Alone, I felt vulnerable; like I could become a victim again at any time.

Like a text book abusive relationship, the imposed limitations ended up including a list of things he didn’t want me to do, people he didn’t want me see, and places he didn’t want me to go.  Somewhere in my psyche I knew this and permitted it to happen because I felt more insecure out of the relationship than I did in it. Ironically, I ended up existing in this cocoon for several years instead of navigating the world on my own.

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Filed under Addiction, Dating, Domestic Violence, Growth, Healing, Life Lessons, Love, relationships

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by | October 3, 2011 · 12:58 pm

Disproving Free Will, Again

For a while I have been thinking about free will versus destiny. I believe that in a way they both exist, but I also believe that using free will isn’t always in your best interest. I see destiny as the path you’re meant to take and free will as the option to go off course. In my experience, going off course has only led to set backs, that for myself, resulted in wasted money, time, and opportunities. I had the free will to do what I wanted, to go off my path, and made decisions that I knew were bad for me at the time. I did what I wanted, and ultimately destiny’s pull was too strong to resist, and I ended up back on it’s path. I believe that following your destiny is in your best interest, and that while free will exists, utilizing it is not always a good idea. Below is an example of what I’m talking about.

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by | September 12, 2011 · 8:30 am

You Could Be My Silver Springs?

  Silver Springs? Hayley Rose 2011

 

Have you ever been exhausted from dating? I have! At first it felt great- to have so many dates lined up with men that seemed decent, were often cute, and successful too! And even better, they wanted to go out with me! Ah, naivety, it never goes away does it?

What ended up happening during this time in my life was much more bleak than the excitement I just exhibited (surprise, surprise). One lying man-child, two pretentious professionals, a normal guy, and a drug addict. Let’s start with the lying man-child who barely put effort into our dates. On the second date, we met at a sports bar, he showed up as if it was Super Casual Friday wearing track pants a purple T-shirt! Ugh. Then the professionals. We never made it to a second date. The first, a doctor, talked about himself the entire night and barely made eye contact with me. Then when he walked me to my truck, he tried to kiss me! He was extremely pissed when I didn’t let him. Then there was the lawyer, who also happened to be in love with himself but was considerate enough to ask questions about me, occasionally. He abruptly stood up while we were having coffee and cited that he had to get up early the next morning for work. Right. I didn’t feel bad, he was an atheist, I always question their motives. I feel like they are not so much non-believers as they are individuals who are angry at God for something and retaliate by denying his existence. Then there was the normal guy. We still talk, meet for coffee, and go for hikes together. We have become friends and have great conversations about all sorts of things like Native American spirituality and nature. Now for the drug addict, here’s where the story gets interesting.

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by | August 26, 2011 · 4:40 am

“She Ain’t You,” Damn Strait She Ain’t Me, Chris Brown

What happens when a man loses the love of his life? Well, if you’re Chris Brown, you whine about it in a song. Sorry Chris. I don’t have any sympathy for you. The title of Chris Brown’s new song “She Ain’t You,” brings back some melancholy emotions from my relationship with my first boyfriend. He thought I could be easily replaced, he took me for granted in every way possible, and when I finally broke up with him, he kept coming back to me. By that point it was too late- it was too late way before that point, actually. If he loved me so much and thought I was so incredible why did he mistreat me in the first place?

 “She Ain’t You.”

Those three words express an entire story- a story of longing and lost love- and possibly something that went terribly, terribly wrong. As you can probably guess I am not a huge fan of Chris Brown, but the title of the song and the infamous beating he gave his ex-girlfriend Rihanna is enough information for us to piece it together ourselves.

Have you ever known a batterer? A man who was angry enough to hit or punch a woman? If you know anyone like this personally, you know that their anger issues are not caused by their victim: the person they take their rage out on. It is something darker within their own person, something that has never been addressed. So why would someone with an issue like this get involved in a relationship in the first place? Good question.

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by | August 23, 2011 · 2:26 pm

Is Honesty Really the Best Policy?

Well it all depends what you are trying to accomplish. If you are looking to forge meaningful friendships and relationships than yes, it is. If you prefer to dodge real connections and fear vulnerability, then no it isn’t. Let me explain.

When you are honest it is very easy for you to spot dishonesty. On the contrary, when you are dishonest, the lines become blurred and it’s more difficult to spot lies. Since I began writing and sharing some of the most painful and humiliating memories, many people have contacted me to thank me for expressing what they could not say. Don’t you sometimes find that when you leave yourself open and vulnerable and say what is truly on your mind, those around you nod in agreement?

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by | August 18, 2011 · 12:47 am

Scars

1. One small candle holder that says Sanda and Dean’s Jack and Jill

 2. A picture frame from Nick and Beth’s Wedding

3. A small black guitar pick.

4. A chip on one of my front teeth.

5. A small scar above my left eye

The items I could throw out, I didn’t, and the scars on my person are reminders I’ll never be able to get rid of.

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by | August 17, 2011 · 8:26 am

The Lump in My Throat

I have been writing pretty irregularly this week because I’ve been going to a lot of doctor’s appointments. One of my concerns happens to be a lump in my throat. Every time I swallow I can feel it. I told the doctor a little bit about when I started to notice it.

Around the time I broke up with the guy who almost killed me, I began having trouble breathing. It would only happen when I was driving alone in my car and when there was nothing in the car for me to drink. At first my throat would become dry and I’d begin to choke.Then I wouldn’t be able to breath. I’d begin to panic, and inevitably my breathing would come back, except for one time, where no matter what I did I could not breath. I became terrified and gasped for air as I choked on nothing.

A friend pointed out that it was interesting that I was having panic attacks in which I was unable to breath because when my ex-boyfriend almost killed, it was through suffocation.

I ran into a friend yesterday, a cancer survivor. Talking about her illness and surviving stage three cancer, she spoke these poignant words, “You just never think it is going to happen to you.” This is how I felt about almost being murdered by my ex-boyfriend and ending up in a domestic violence situation in general. Like an unexpected diagnosis, no one ever thinks it will happen to them.

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